I cannot answer the question of why you allowed this. The answer is really in YOU. What I can offer you is some perspective on what your H MAY have been going thru.
I don't know if I ever posted this before but sometime I wonder if I was not the one in a MLC right before the bomb. I can tell you this - prior to the bomb I was very depressed. Very. So maybe I can "understand" what your H may have been feeling.
His treatment of you was similar to how I treated my W. What he cannot tell you is that HE is the one that is insecure. He is the one that is not worldly. He is the one that has some issues that HE needs to deal with. In order to deal with them, your husband would wear a mask. A mask of strength. A mask of worldly. A mask. This mask allow him to maintain the aura that YOU felt attracted to. He may have felt that he needed to keep this facade up or he would lose you. He was scared and so he needed to control you.
To control you. He needed to belittle you. He needed to make YOU feel not worthy. He needed to feed his fear. When his insecurity would act up. He needed to control you. To keep you in that place where you just kept trying to love him. You have no idea how scared he was. None. You think he is strong and on one hand he is BUT his strength is spent wearing his mask. His strength is spent controlling you so that you would not see the real him. The real him that is sooo scared.
As much as we tell you....you need to realize that this is really an issue that your H will need to deal with. Nothing you do can help. On the contrary - show him all this love, keep showing him that you will be there for him and you do nothing BUT feed his insecurity. Don't feed it. Is it hard? Yep.
If you love your H. Let him go and let him go NOW. The sooner he can start his journey the better off he will be. He may run, he may not wanyt to deal with it for a long time BUT one day he will. I am almost sure of it. How can I say this - cause I'm living breathing proof.
Finally, while he is doing his thing - you do yours. You keep digging.
Are you the oldest child? Did you have to play the role of mommy? Did you always put others before yourself? Were you too nice to everyone? Why are you a people pleaser?
Maybe somewhere along the way you too became lost. Maybe you never grew in some areas? I don't know. What I do know is this...
You keep digging until you find the answer. Do not run sweetie. Face this. Face this for YOU and.....for the man that deep down you still love.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
