Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow. Its going to be hard because he knows me and my wife, but I think i need to go sooner than later. I would appreciate any advice.....

[sandi2]

Maybe she just got tired of always being the strong one in family.

I think that statement tells where the root of the problem began. If you do go back home, you need to be determined that you will be the strong one in the family. A woman naturally leans on her H b/c he is the leader, the protector, and the provider. It doesn't mean that she can't be strong and have a career, etc., but it's the way she was made.

I think somewhere along the way you forgot this. You would not be the first young father who felt that his W did not have time for him. It is an exhausting job to have two small children, a H, and a job.

You have a difficult decision to make. If you go home and have no income, then that could place you in a weaker position. OTOH, your family is more important than anything else.

It could be that your W was suffering from some depression of her own and the email kind of helped to push her away, IDK. However, if you go home and show her the man she fell in love with, that could change real fast.

Here's the thing, how will you ever know if she was discouraged.....or involved with somebody else, unless you go home to find out?

[Dazed&Confused]

Sandi2,

i know exactly what you are saying. It seems like I am almost in a catch 22 situation. I think i have made up my mind. I am going to wait until she gets home tomorrow and see where things go. If it blows over great, we can start communicating our feelings and take it from there. But if it continues down this path, I am either going to go home home without pay and work things out, or quit. They are too important to me. I was really doing this for them, without them, these paychecks mean nothing.....

[TulsaTime]

Go for it.

You won't regret trying but be as Sandi advised - lead, be strong.

[Dazed&Confused]

Well, today is when she is due back home from her little road trip with my Aunt. Hopefully I hear something today. Either way, I am going to call to talk to my son. Any advice?

[sandi2]

Be careful in the conversation that you do not tell her how she feels. That makes a woman furious! Don't lecture her and try to get her to be reasonable. All those actions point to her needing to be different and makes you look "controlling".

It's more about listening to what she wants. Then it's about what you want. Here's the thing, you want to sound strong and confident in place of being freaked out. You want to sound sure of yourself and not pleading, whiney, etc.

When I was a WAW, the more my H made statements about fighting for our M, or statements like that....it turned me off soooo bad! You don't have to tell her you are standing for the M. If that's what you want....then just do it. I really think the less you say about your feelings....the better.

[TimeHeals]

Be careful in the conversation that you do not tell her how she feels. That makes a woman furious!

Having experienced this myself (throughout my short marriage and recently again last night), I can say with complete certainty that it doesn't make men happy either.

There's nothing that makes you feel more disconnected than realizing that the person you are talking to has made up their mind about what you think and how you feel, and they are sort of playing out that little script they've dreamed up in their own little heads rather than listening and watching.

The irony, in my case, is that STBXW like to think she is very "intuitive", but what that really means is that she is tied up in her own ego, thoughts, and feelings to the point that she projects what she thinks others think and feel onto them, and that... is the complete opposite of "intuitive".

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks Sandi. My plan was to just ask about the trip, how my daughter was doing, just normal small talk and then talk to my son.

I guess this is what I do if she brings anything up? Keep the focus on her feelings. Never say "my feelings...blah"

What if she asks how I am doing? I plan on putting on my game face and tell her that I am doing good. That I am trying to process everything, and that I am taking a long look inside of me.

How does this sound? God, I am more nervous that I was for my first Prom. I am trying to limit expectations. If she doesn't bring anything up, or if I do not get anymore details, I will still feel more lost than ever, but I remind myself that no news is good news. I just really want to know what her plans are, I have never been this rattled before.....

[TimeHeals]

I guess this is what I do if she brings anything up? Keep the focus on her feelings. Never say "my feelings...blah"

You're over-thinking this. If she tells you how she feels, listen and validate from time to time. Even if it's only "I'm sorry you feel that way".

If she asks how you feel, well I guess you had better start being honest with yourself first. You sound so focused on her and saving your M, that I don't know if you can be honest about how you really feel (and it will probably change). Maybe "I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I am still not sure"?


I'm sorry you are so nervous. I think if you spend some time on GAL and such it might help you detach and not be so nervous.

[Dazed&Confused]

I am trying. I am on a small base, and work 12hrs a day. I have been running after I get off of work to burn some steam, but after that, I don't have much time left but to shower and go to bed.

I reopened my facebook account (for all of the wrong reasons, I just wanted to see what the wife had been up to, if i could find any red flags) and it has helped to see the friends i do still have back back home. So maybe that will end up being a positive.

Something I forgot to mention in my initial write up that may be of some importance. When we first moved to where we lived we made a lot friends fast. We had a good group of couples that we did a lot with, even after my son was born. Slowly but surely the divorce bug spread, and before we new it we were the only couple left. We have lost all of our married friends and stopped going out and doing things. I thought it was just the normal progression after our daughter was born. We were now concentrating on our family. I did miss hanging out with other couples, and looking back now, she probably missed it 10x as much. Our last married couple friends split about a year ago.

I will not lie, it scared me. We would even sometimes joke about something must be in the water, and even asked each other if we had anything to "worry" about. It was always in a joking matter, but it now looks like it's past the joking stage.

Any thoughts?