I know and have experience verbatim what you are going through. Where I was at that point that you are now was a cloud of sadness, sorrow and hurt. Then I had to really look into myself. I had to write down what I wanted to change of myself. I never wanted to see myself as a bitchy nagging one of "those girlfriends, wife, ect." But I had to really see my reflection and that I had become what I didn't want to see. The way I conducted myself, hurt the one I care and love unconditionally was not where I ever wanted to get to. I nagged and made a pattern of expressing this publicly and embarrassing him. In addition I had to examine and see how I was ultimately hurting myself. My F has also seen other people while we were on "break" and that has hurt too even me knowing his tract record I have to hush the anger towards what could have been going on this break prior to where we are now. The bottom line is he is ultimately with me and those OW just enhanced my shine and beauty in the world. They weren't and couldn't show him any better nor anything worth "leaving" for something better. F also had to search and recognize his own loss of clarity and lack of truth to who he is. This is something that I have always wanted for him to embrace and discover internally.
Each of us even though F is still on this road, had to find this place within ourselves. I missed him tremendously but then I realized that I really missed myself. Now that he is back in this I can really appreciated him for him and myself as a partner that I have always know was inside me.
I had to write and throw away then write and throw away paper after paper in order to really see physically in writing out of my mind what I wanted to have in my life precisely. I had to really see and look inside myself what I wanted from myself then what I wanted from our relationship.
Watching specific shows and movies also gave me a clearer vision of what is important and how to find the inner strength and clarity of who I am and what I have to offer.
I hope that this finds you well and that the hope is there and faith is the water that allows growth. Know that this pain reps the reward it's a matter of embracing the pain allowing the acceptance to occur then allow the release in order to open the doors for a true path. Our emotions and thoughts do not define us, allow them enter then leave and take a lesson for each that enters but allow them to leave.
I also was not able to see him or run into him but each small encounter I allowed the opportunity to see my improvement and the greener grass. Be thankful for each encounter because it is the limited encounters that allow the truth to surface.
Warmest hope for you!
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months July 15th 2010 happily talking! July 22nd, committed and ready to begin fresh
