Not trying to butt in, but I think LL hit on a little red herring a few posts ago. Unfortunately, I think it’s a red herring that becomes a kinda self fulfilling thing.
Quote: thing is this... don't appologize for buttin' in, that's why we post after all isn't it? to get many opinions.
I look at my parents m and don't want it...of course it ended so what's to want about it?
I look at h's parents m and though they are still together I don't want anything like their m either.
thing is I don't have any examples of the happy medium and I don't think h does either.
so how to know, where to go, what to do...how to find that happy medium and is h even willing or is this as good as it gets?
LL
FWIW, I don’t think you need a model. If a person (or couple) want to build their own model, then why not? One doesn’t have to have their parents’ M. Nor do they have to have their spouse’s parents’ M.
The unfortunate part is (as you’ve been exploring in the rest of the posts), that in order to build your own model, you need to cooperate, and dare I say it, negotiate.
Is that a possibility for you? As everyone says, you cannot change your spouse, but you can ask them to change themselves. you can ask til you're blue in the face...but if that person just doesn't want to change then all your asking does is send them the message that they aren't good enough and then they leave to go be with ow...
I know you’ve done this before, and the results were less than impressive. I’m in the same boat, and I can certainly tell you that at this point in time, there’s no possibility of negotiation for me. maybe we can negotiate ourselves for a bit longer?
But if you step back and take a look at things from time to time, you may find that things have changed (or could change). If your spouse is caught up in the “I can’t help it… I don’t have any other model to follow” attitude, then you’re kinda stuck.
LL... I think your H hasn't seriously thought about how restrictive your lifestyle is. nope! he's forgotten what he learned during our seperation when I left him alone to deal with the kiddos from 10 am to 8pm on sundays...best fathers day gift I ever gave him was to walk out the door that day and let him become a daddy. But do you honestly believe that he can come and go as he pleases? YUP! he is his own boss...if he wants a day off to go somewhere he can schedule it..if he want's to go get a hair cut he just goes and does it...if he wants to go take a shower he just does..if he has stuff to do around the house he is exempt from child care and just does it...if he's going to a football game or going to be late getting home (what is late anyway there is no typical time for him to arive) he doesn't have to get a sitter or check with me first he is safe to just assume I will be there. If he wants to sit all day and watch football he can with little regard for the kids and I...sure he's not free in the sense that when he does this it can push a wall between us but he is free to do it and now that he has the benefit of a dbing w that doesn't complain about it he's even more free.
I know that I've given more lip service than actual thought about the limitations on my W's days. But at the same time, she has refused to cut me any slack either.
maybe we can negotiate ourselves for a bit longer? 
