i hear what you are all saying...but i can't help to feel like i have taken her back and she got off scott free and i was/am devistated but she faces no recourse...i know silly isn't it.
i guess over time i will learn to accept it for what it is worth.
gman
No, she should be "filling your cup" like crazy, and just about every day you are in the air of someone who show they appreciates you because they messed up.
Now some men get back a wife who stopped doing alot of the things they used to show that they appreciated them, and got back an evil witch of a woman who continually tears them down and shows no remorse or respect.
It doesn't sound like your wife is like this, it sounds like over time your pain will fade. but like I said, she should be "filling your cup" like crazy and happy to do so.
Part of letting her back in 100% is letting yourself forgive her for the pain she's caused you. Don't wait til you feel ready to forgive her, it'll never come. Forgiveness is an act as well as an emotion. I've forgiven my wife already, though she may never come back. Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free, and discovering you were the prisoner.
I've always had a hard time with forgiveness until someone taught me that it isn't just for the other person. You can't really let go of something until you forgive. Otherwise it keeps popping up. Forgiving is something you do for yourself.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
What your feeling is completely normal. When my W's EA was exposed she was ashamed and embarrased. She was very remorseful but it was me that couldn't let it go. The betrayel I felt consumed me and ultimately pushed her further away.
Trust needs to be earned and this will take time. I'm no expert but I would need the re-assurance that she is there for you and only you. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Are you two in counselling? This is a must so that she can understand what you feel and you understand how she feels. Right now that's not happening.
She's not going to feel like "filling your cup like crazy" and you shouldn't expect her to. That's a naive way of thinking. It starts with communicating the right way to each other.
The fact that she has apologized and has shown remorse is a huge thing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Are you two in counselling? This is a must so that she can understand what you feel and you understand how she feels. Right now that's not happening.
She's not going to feel like "filling your cup like crazy" and you shouldn't expect her to. That's a naive way of thinking. It starts with communicating the right way to each other.
The fact that she has apologized and has shown remorse is a huge thing.
Words without action mean nothing. The key is a spouse in an affair will compartamentalize the LBS. In part of this, they will turn off or stop doing certain functions they used to do for the LBS. Also they will create new boundaries for the LBS ( friend zoning ).
To restore a fruitful marriage, alot of this compartamentalization will need to be undone. It cannot be done by trucking along like nothing happened, and issuing the words "I'm sorry".
Part of the reason we get married, or I hope for most of you is that you "take care of each other". Much of this is lost during the affair. Part of being "taken care of" by your spouse will "fill your cup". Its the actions, the thought, knowing someone is there that does it.
Showing remorse is an action. Look how many spouses here are unrepentant...period.
Showing remorse is not "trucking along like nothing happened". It's understanding the hurt/pain/shame etc. of what happened. That's why counselling is very important at this stage. To learn how to move forward and not being stuck in the past.
If you are expecting the WAS to "fill your cup" it's like saying, okay, so you OWE it to me to do what I want now. And that is going to lead you right back to repeating the same problems that started the mess in the first place.
Heal the RIGHT way. It's going to require a leap of faith on both the WAS and the LBS. And a heck of alot of trust.
Apologies and remorse is a good start. Now build on that momentum.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree with you for the most part. I believe "they do owe it", and they should want to do it. I know I would if I got out of line, I would do what I could to ensure the other party realizes how much they meant to me, and that I'm sorry that it happened like this and I truly value them.
My actions would show it. Its not grovelling either, I wouldn't expect anyone to grovel. She should do what love would do.
It is good hearing that she's somewhat ashamed about the entire incident and that she's opening up torwards him. His story is an inspiring one for a LBS.
And let's be frank here. Whenever something happens like this, there were problems caused by both parties. So does that mean that gman has to keep "filling her cup" to show his remorse for the things he did in the past? Of course not. You can't keep rehashing stuff from the past and have this constant battle of "well you OWE it to me". You do it because you WANT to. Not because you're OBLIGATED to.
And you're saying she's OBLIGATED to do it. If so then R isn't going to last.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And let's be frank here. Whenever something happens like this, there were problems caused by both parties. So does that mean that gman has to keep "filling her cup" to show his remorse for the things he did in the past? Of course not. You can't keep rehashing stuff from the past and have this constant battle of "well you OWE it to me". You do it because you WANT to. Not because you're OBLIGATED to.
And you're saying she's OBLIGATED to do it. If so then R isn't going to last.
Not at all, sir.
Speaking from the love perspective and respect in relationships... If I screw up, and I value this relationship - I got short sighted and caused pain, wasted money, etc... I'm going to do what I think I should do to restore the relationship and make up for my error. No grovelling at all.
We do it because we want to do it. So we are saying the same thing.
Couples counselling is a great idea at this point, the counselor will focus on bridging them past the affair.
On the "cup filling", its a mutually benefitial thing. You do it for each other, because you want to - and you trust them.
