Sometimes it feels (well not sometimes, always) like I've been going through this for years. It's only been 30 days, and I've felt more pain and sadness than I ever thought possible. If only our WASs knew, actually knew how much pain their actions bring us.
I need to learn patience. I need to detach. I need to find God's grace. I need to mend. But all I can do is feel pain. Even during my GALs, I'll see a family walking together and wonder why that's not my family. Or a couple laughing at a restaurant, or walking down the street holding hands.
I never once considered cheating on my wife, though my emotional and physical needs weren't being met. Never once thought of leaving her and our kids. Never flirted with other women, disrespecting the vows I made.
Despair is the worst emotion; worse than fear, worse than rejection. Despair is my mortal enemy. And despair is winning...
pinhead - since you have been helping me let me toss something out for you. These WAS' are most likely responding to something from their past - abandonment, commitment fears, abuse, etc. So what we add to the mix is a very small part. The same is true of the reverse - our reactions are based on our past. But as Michele says it doesn't help to know that unless you do something to fix it now.
Try not to dwell on the sadness and your pain. The minute you start going down that path think of something, anything, that brings you some joy. For me, I thought of DD and, this may surprise you, I thought of an awesome tennis shot I'd made years ago (don't play anymore).
I believe we choose our mates to try to fix our past problems, and at some point we need to stand up and say - hey, I'm better than that past and I'm going to live my life the way I want to be NOW.
I did some bad things to my H. I'm not proud of how I handled things. I HATE what he did to me and the pain he has caused and is causing, but I'm going to focus on today and being the best I can be today. And God give me patience!
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Yeah, sometimes the age diff makes me think it might just be an MLC, not another person. But that's just wishful thinking. Either way she wants out, and doesn't want me.
Yeah, sometimes the age diff makes me think it might just be an MLC, not another person. But that's just wishful thinking. Either way she wants out, and doesn't want me.
Find something else. It sucks to have to think about it. You couldn't have that one back unless you could catch something else anyway.
Hi Pin- wow, there are some similarities in our sitches. I just read through your sitch from the beginning and have some random comments:
that book- Too Good to leave, too bad to stay? Just saying for other people out there, I think is kind of dangerous. Basing your decision to save or end an R on a single question is scary stuff. A friend recommended it to me, but I had to put it aside.
The comments like "I know you don't want me around" could've come out of my H's mouth. He'll say things like: "I know you hate me, but..." What? He's the one who wants a D! The other day, I said in a very matter of fact way: "yep, I do hate you, but I can still...." The passive-aggressives with lots of anger and inadequacy issues- your W and my H sound similar and they constantly want validation, even as they're leaving us!
And I got the "I can't trust you" speech too, many times. I guess these are the hallmarks of the WASs- blame the LBS b/c it's too hard to admit you're breaking up your marriage, you don't want to own your own crap, etc.
I second the things several have said- do not help her figure out her finances- She is a big girl enough to leave you, she is big girl enough to figure out how to support herself. But I understand being worried about your kids- that's tough, but she could always find a female roommate or something- there are options other than being destitute. She may have to take on a 2nd job, like many here have done.
You need to have more fun, real fun. What else do you like to do besides write? It sounds like some of your GAL experiences are kind of empty- what would you really like to do? Does your church have any kind of social group? Do you have other interests you'd like to try out?
I'm puzzled why you're getting rid of your dog at this point? I have 2 myself and am very torn about trying to find a place that takes dogs (hard, one is a GR, both are over 35 lbs) or let H have them with visits. But I can't imagine giving one away Others here will say that you need to simplify and animals complicate things, but they also lift you up when you're down and if you will be without your D's half the week, the company might be good. And as you know, dogs are a great way to strike up a conversation and meet others.
Well, too much typing for tonight- you're on the right track and have some real vets weighing in here- not everyone is so lucky!
Our Golden is basically kept in a kennel crate for most of the day when no one is home, as well as sleeping in it at night. I think it's inhumane, and the dog acts schizo because of this treatment.
I'm actually planning on getting a kitten once the W moves out.
I've really accepted that our differences are irreconcilable. Our marriage wasn't great to start with, our sex life was non-existent after our first daughter, and we just drifted apart and neglected each other. We both care about each other, but she's definitely not in love with me, and I sometimes wonder if she ever was.
That hurts, but at least I'm out of limbo now. I'm staying in my house instead of selling it, so our Ds will have their home. The W will be getting an apartment nearby, and we're both trying to work out how to be great coparents.
I'm going to be helping out financially, just $500/month, even though I'll have joint custody. The money won't be going to give my wife an extravagant lifestyle, but to make sure my girls have what they need.
We're not using lawyers, or mediators, since we pretty much agree on splitting everything. We'll draw up our own papers, and save a ton of money.
Looking back, I made some big mistakes, as did she. We both neglected our marriage when we had our daughters, and we were both afraid of rejection. That's in the past though, and I've dropped the rope. I think someday she'll forgive me, and I'll forgive her for leaving me.
I'm looking forward to being the best dad I can be, and seeing our wonderful daughters grow up. I don't think divorce has to be as damaging to kids as everyone fears, and we're both going to be heavily involved in raising them.
Oh, and one tip to everyone using DB strategy. If it conflicts with your 180s, you need to watch it. My normal behaviour is to avoid confrontation, to withdraw and isolate myself when hurt or threatened. Unfortunately, that matches a lot of the techniques for the LRT. My wife felt like the last two weeks, where I had dropped the rope, that I was becoming cold and detached. So it's a fine line.
Maybe after a few years apart, we'll be one of those happy couples who realize they're better off together. I'd like that, but it seems like a fairy tale. I'll settle for being great coparents who can trust each other, and be kind to each other despite the past.
Others here will say that you need to simplify and animals complicate things, but they also lift you up when you're down and if you will be without your D's half the week, the company might be good. And as you know, dogs are a great way to strike up a conversation and meet others.