PEI - We all came here broken, we all came here and screamed "I will wait forever", we came here and we said BOLDLY "I will STAND". Yet, when the going gets tough, when our feelings are hurt, when things do not GO OUR way, well then we start the process of reassessing our M.
Then we begin to "feel" like we are done. We begin to "feel" like our spouses will never change. That maybe they were never the mate for us.
IMO - It is the easy f'in way out. It is a way that some of us can get out of doing the work. The real work of finding out who we REALLY are. The real work of true HEALING. The real work of becoming people of true character and morals. The real work of understanding that EVERYONE is entitled to make their own choices. Including our spouses. The real work of learning what it is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. That is the real work....not the "regurgitating" the DB principals of detach, GAL, etc. that sometime I can see on these boards.
Eric honey, are you talking to me or to yourself? Are you worried about me and my choices or are you worried about yours?
I would wholeheartedly agree that if someone is revising history, rationalizing and justifying because they are hurt and scared and angry, or because the control freak in them can't handle the loss of control ... that IF SOMEONE HAS NOT DONE THE WORK, and bases their actions on feeling like their spouses will never change and feeling that maybe they were never the mate for us, then they are not making choices or decisions from a healthy place of growth, compassion and love ... then yes, I would absolutely agree that they took the f'in easy way out.
However (that's my fancy word for BUT ), if this person is making choices based on unconditional love, truly letting go in love, and then choosing their own path based on being true to themselves and honestly and objectively evaluating what they want and why, IMO that's a whole different ball game. If they have done (and done is not really the right word because IMO we are never DONE of the work) "the real work of finding out who we REALLY are. The real work of true HEALING. The real work of becoming people of true character and morals. The real work of understanding that EVERYONE is entitled to make their own choices. Including our spouses. The real work of learning what it is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY" and then objectively and honestly evaluate what their spouse has said (ie look for the sting) and come to some honest and fair conclusions then NO, there is nothing easy about that path, it's not an easy way out. Letting go in love if far harder than letting go in anger or resentment.
I have chosen to live my life and give my husband what he wants because I love him unconditionally, because I want him to be happy even if that means a life without me, because I truly looked at anything that stung. I now understand that he has a right to live his life, make choices and live with the consequences of those choices.
I have not slammed the door shut. Really, as far as I'm concerned my life is full of open doors for the first time in a long time. I don't have a crystal ball, it would be fortune-telling to pretend to know what is going to happen a month, 6 months or 5 years from now. But neither am I waiting to see if he comes back, or hoping for it to happen. I am moving forward, open to living my life and experiencing the opportunities that present themselves.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Now, I think I remember you posting that the door is not closed for you H – this to me sounds like you and I are in similar sitchs…we are moving forward and living life BUT leaving the door open.
I think yes, we are in very similar sitchs. I've said before that it isn't my door to close, and right now that is true, but there is one exception to that statement: when I choose to commit to someone, at that point then yes, I will have shut the door completely.
Cat said it best ...
Originally Posted By: cat04
I do not have anger or unforgivness for my H. It is completely the opposite. I love him still. I always will. I hope that he can get himself together, to a better place for him.
As a final thought, I would also agree that we get caught up in the terms and forget that each individual definition may not be exactly the same. Standing ... Done ... closing the door ... moving forward ... moving on ... all could mean slightly different things to each of us.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
), if this person is making choices based on unconditional love, truly letting go in love, and then choosing their own path based on being true to themselves and honestly and objectively evaluating what they want and why, IMO that's a whole different ball game. If they have done (and done is not really the right word because IMO we are never DONE of the work) "the real work of finding out who we REALLY are. The real work of true HEALING. The real work of becoming people of true character and morals. The real work of understanding that EVERYONE is entitled to make their own choices. Including our spouses. The real work of learning what it is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY" and then objectively and honestly evaluate what their spouse has said (ie look for the sting) and come to some honest and fair conclusions then NO, there is nothing easy about that path, it's not an easy way out. Letting go in love if far harder than letting go in anger or resentment. 
