You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling -- a long one.

Girls are asleep and I'm a jumble of emotions -- although on a more even keel.

This was the final day of my last vacation week of the year. So it's back to the Wednesday, every other weekend rotation.

At least I have some good things left on those days. Medieval Times for D7's birthday this Wednesday.

We have rain check tickets (free) for the outdoor water park good for the rest of the year.

I plan on using the Great America tickets the Aug. 7-8 weekend.

The last weekend I have them before school I have a softball tournament out of town, but they want to go and stay in the hotel room and swim in the hotel pool -- an adventure. Then I have them that Monday, last day of summer. Their school year starts on a Tuesday.

That's still a lot ... but I've had them 50 percent of the time in June and July. I invested a lot of emotional energy in preparing for it and ... now it's over. Life marches on. I was comforted by the fact it's less than 45 weeks until next summer and I'm going to take all four of my vacation weeks in the summer next year.

That is going to be wonderful. Still, a small part of me is glad I can get back to a strict budget and saving, saving, saving.

D7 on several occasions said I was a great daddy today. My favorite is we were watching Hannah Montana. She looked from the screen and said "he's a great daddy, but you're the best daddy in the whole world."

Today's day was another cookout and I knew it would be good for the girls. There was an 11-year-old boy there that D11 likes and she spent quite a bit of time hanging out with him. He's still more interested in baseball than girls so it was safe. Still, more glimpses of the future.

D7's friend was there as well and they are exactly alike. They were hilarious running around.

It was the church singles group. 35 showed up, but I didn't get much of a vibe from her. Certainly not like the group dinner we had back in May when we talked for more than an hour. 31 didn't show. This is the second straight group thing she's missed. I have a feeling she's going to drop from the group. It's too bad. She was nice to talk to and take my mind off things. We haven't texted in two weeks.

Several others did show up and I was the second to last to leave. I learned more about the founder of the group. He was a $150k a year guy three years ago and basically blew it all on bad financial decisions and drugs. Now he's a pastor in the celebrate recovery group and is rebuilding from scratch.

Compared to the group founder, my demons are very small.

He has his kids on the same schedule as I do and he's living with his girlfriend, who's about 15 years younger. I get a weird vibe from her. She's extremely nice, but she's uneasy around kids and her boyfriend's kids are young. She's talking marriage. I don't see it. But then again, what do I know.

After the cookout, D11 wanted to just veg out and play Facebook games. D7 and I took a walk to the park and did one short last round of swimming. We butted heads for about a half an hour -- that's normal. It happens almost once a day. At the end of the night though I told D7 how proud I was of her. We spent 7 days together and she didn't have one full-fledged ADHD meltdown. There were tense moments because she's so strong willed, but she has made tremendous progress.

I was wistful about STBXW. It's like a terminal illness. You know the end is coming so you keep going over memories. D11 wanted to wash the dishes -- I don't have a dishwasher -- so I let her, I dried while also making dinner. And I started to remember the various places STBXW and I have lived. We didn't have to do dishes at her parents' place. At our first apartment, we had to do the dishes together. I don't remember much of that place really.

At our first house, we had my mom's dishwasher.

Then at the house, we didn't have a dishwasher for a couple of years and we traded doing the dishes. I think I did them more often than she did. We remodeled the kitchen to get a dishwasher and have gone through a couple.

Back to the even keel. I've been taking the St. John's Wort for five days now and I think it's helping. But it may just be the placebo effect. The last two days I've taken two in the morning because I wake up anxious. Then one with every meal and I've taken them when I've gotten correspondence from my L.

I have a hearing coming up in less than two weeks. It will be my first time in the court room with STBXW. My hope is to just be curious about the process. Give short and truthful answers to whatever may come up and not take the bait from STBXW's L.

I have nothing to hide. I feel I've conquered more demons and I'm putting in the work. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't fail in this M. This is her doing.

I was thinking of asking STBXW to come with us Wednesday to Medeival Times. I know I have to interact better with her and not make the girls choose on special occasions. I may still do it, but the phone rang at 8:30 p.m. tonight and it was her and my free and easy feelings drained from me as soon as I saw it was her.

She was reminding me about camp stuff and forms. And I didn't say much. She asked if I wanted to pick up some signed camp forms or just have her drop it off at the camp (which is near her work). Right away, I said drop it off. I didn't want to see her.

Just typing this I realize I can't invite her on Wednesday. I am still not ready. Perhaps after we are no longer married. Not yet. If she invites me over on Thursday, D7's actual birthday, I'll accept because I don't want to look petty. But I'm not giving her the opening to reject me anymore than she already has.

[whatisis]

St John's Wort should be minimum 300 mg 3X per day, my naturopath says away from meals. It can take 4-6 weeks to kick in but sometimes it takes 2 or so. If you can, check with someone who has some experience administering SJW because some brands really suck and also if you don't get results from one you can switch to another. Anyway, I'm on my fifth week and I'm taking 1200 mg a day and all I can say is that I have no side effects. Another way of dealing with anxiety is to SLOW down ( I know this because I get told it often enough!). Slowing down is tough because when you live alone your stuck with your racing brain but if you go out and do things you have distraction. Now, distraction is not bad but if it wears you out it basically reinforces what you're trying to prevent! I'm trying meditation to see if that helps in the evenings.
So, good luck with the SJW and let us know how it's working. There are a number of others on the BB using or have used SJW so I've discovered. Also if SJW doesn't do the trick there are other naturopathic remedies you can use also like Sam E, 5 HTP, GABA etc. but I'd really check with someone who knows what they're doing before messing with too many of these things on your own.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks, Wii, I was really down this morning after dropping the girls off. I'm not going to see D11 much at all for the next two weeks. She has a horseback riding camp next week out of town and is at STBXW's campground in two weeks.

Lots to do at work. Going to try to focus on getting a ton done here.

I have some great things planned for when I have them -- but I'm like a lot of non-custodial parents on these boards, worrying that as time goes on the bonds will lessen.

The only answer to that is to ALWAYS be on my game when I have them. Not in terms of blowout fun things to do but in terms of attentiveness, listening, staying involved.

D11 and I didn't end the morning so well. She argued over brushing her teeth and then brought up money as an excuse of how she isn't improving as an actress.

D11 wants things handed to her. She wants to be a "star" or "great" or "rich" or "famous" but she doesn't want to put in the work.

Oh, and STBXW pulled a fast one on me. I thought she was going to drop the camp forms off at the camp. It's right by her work. No. She brought them over. The girls were up and getting ready and in a good mood -- the D11 stuff came later -- so it was OK.

The apartment was a mess though and I hadn't showered. I had a softball game this morning. In a way that's OK. STBXW has always been jealous of my job and it's flexibility. I've played Monday morning softball for 13 years and there's never been a peep about it. It's just part of what I do now. STBXW always hated that.

I came down and sat on the stairs while she was there. D7 talked to her for a minute then came up and sat on my lap and gave me a big hug.

It's going to be very interesting how this all turns out for STBXW.

[Gardener]

CTH,
I agree with wii about looking into SAM-e and GABA. They worked better than SJW for me. I also take theanine, magnesium, tryptophan, B Complex (anti stress), extra B-15/Pantothenic Acid (THE ant-stress vitamin), magnesium (nerve-calmer) daily among other vitamins. Valerian Root when I'm particularly anxious. Go to a bookstore and take the few short quizzes in the beginning of The UltraMind Solution by Mark Hyman.

I have nothing to hide. I feel I've conquered more demons and I'm putting in the work. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't fail in this M. This is her doing.

Keep reminding yourself of these truths.

wii is also spot on about slowing down. Simply pay close, deliberate attention to whatever you are physically doing at any given time instead of physically going on auto-pilot, which gives the mind the time and space it needs to race and chatter. This is the root of mindfulness.

And a trick? When the mind races, stump it by asking yourself, "I wonder what my next thought will be?" Your mind will stop and go blank even if just for a moment. A moment of relief. Got that one from Eckhart Tolle. The more often you do it, the longer the chatter-stop lasts.

Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

Jeez, Gardener, that's a lot of stuff. I'll look into it.

Yes, I need to learn more mind tricks. I've tried a few, closing my eyes to listen to the world around me. I actually did that walking in from the outfield today in softball.

Another one, taking three deep breaths then saying to myself, "For this life lord, I am grateful" and working on down to "For this moment lord I am grateful."

I've been saying the Serenity Prayer a lot lately as well. The first line does help me refocus.

All part of the process. After my second softball game I sent both D7 and D11 texts to STBXW's phone.

During the school year I see them so much that I don't really need to taxt them. But now I'm going to go big chunks of time without seeing them and I was thinking of how my dad drifted away over time. I'm not going to let that happen so I think a text every day or every other day until school fires back up will be fine.

I missed them terribly today. I was wondering though if that also isn't a bit of co-dependency?

D11 had a rough day. She got stung by a bee. D7 just responded "yes" to my question of whether she had fun at her daycare place.

[ClingingToHope]

Around 11 p.m. last night I texted STBXW asking if she'd like to go with us Wednesday. I remembered I made a promise to D7 that I'd ask STBXW and now if she brings it up I can say I did invite her but she had to work.

She texted back that she did have to work and then added some stuff about her mother wanting to coordinate my visit to the family campground in August (while STBXW is shaking her soon-to-single *ss in Sturgis).

I didn't respond. I want to think about it.

Feeling a bit freer on the finances. I'm going to have to cut into my IRA some more to get out of the IRS mess and summer. I have 45 weeks to make sure I have more than enough for summer.

I also have to get out and get D7 a small present and make her a Happy Birthday banner for Thursday morning.

Saying the Serenity Prayer a lot lately.

[soleil]

^ Can you post the serenity prayer or the first line?

[ClingingToHope]

Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change; courage to change the things that I can and wisdom to know the difference.

I can't change my STBXW's current feelings. I can only accept my station in life and move forward every day in making it better.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, I know you're dreading her visit to Sturgis. I think women can deal with this type of 'betrayal' a bit better than us we just want to punch out every guy that gets within 2 feet of our spouses/gfs etc. But I think that's where the detachment comes into play she's no longer your wife. You have no control over what she does (or anyone else for that matter). If that's what she chooses to do that's her problem. If she has poor judgement then that's also her problem. You need to focus on YOU and the kids!! She'll have to live with the consequences of the decisions she makes and you'll have to live with yours.

Why don't you plan to do something special and relaxing while she's away. Take the kids fishing or something?

So she said she can't go with you guys to celebrate D7's b.day somewhere? that's fine. You will have the kids all to yourself, enjoy them! they grow up too darned fast!

[soleil]

Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change; courage to change the things that I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Ah, I do know that one. And Amen to that! LOL. It's a good prayer.

And you are right about not being able to change his feelings but to do what's right for you.