Hm...may look into a free consultation. That's a good idea.
I'm going to my sister's for some much needed R and R. She is petsitting at a MANSION with a couryard villa/pool thing--we can swim all afternoon she says! And of course I have S who is so excited!!
And the clincher? My H is home alone all 4 days. Poor thing!
I just had the BEST 4 days, and then the WORST 4 hours.
First about the Best part--had 4 days with my sister and had such a good time. My S 14 FINALLY was with me for a little R and R and we went to a water park, and he got to play paintball, we saw a couple of movies and went out to dinner--it was just great!
Then I got home and everything seemed fine--my H had been somewhere but I just figured he went to his parents. He and S go get some dinner, and when they get back he wants to talk to me for 10 minutes. I said sure. I figured it was about my staying in the spare bedroom--he brought up how unhappy he was about that before I left and also how he had to go to a L because I made him scared about losing S. So I said, look, let me go on vacation and if you want to talk about it when I get back, fine. But I'm going on vacation and don't want to think about this stuff then.
But instead of THAT conversation, he proceeds to tell me that he's taken me off all the savings accounts, the home equitey account, the business account, which, I guess I was just a person that could sign and these weren't "joint accounts". All I have access to is the personal account which has very little in it right now! And I have to discuss what I want and why with him when I go to put money in the personal account.
Well, I lost my flippin mind pretty much. I said a lot of stuff--then went to a neighbor's house and spoke to them about it, then came home and went nuts again. I found that to be completely HOSTILE of him (and neighbors agreed) and just want him to leave. I just told him over and over, a MAN would make arraingements to LEAVE.
His attitude the entire time was one of complete smugness--like he was just TOOO superior. I hate him SO MUCH for the games he plays not only with me, but my poor S who had to witness this nonsense.
I will lose my mind if my H doesn't go. He has the trailer that is literally across the street he can go to. There is NO REASON for him to stay--how creative can I get to make him leave?? I read some fun suggestions over in Infidelity one time--I can do plenty, let me tell you--like putting a lock on the master bedroom door.
Listen, he is abusive. You can get a restraining order. And you can file immediately for D or Legal Sep and for fair alimony. Talk to a L = they give free consultations and get going to protect yourself and S. He is punishing you and pulling a control tactic and power play.
This is my new favorite reading on anger - since my H is such an anger junkie - and I tend to react so easily - very wise when you calm down and have the time to absorb.
Here is the part I would like to put in front of both our Hs:
"Discovering the True Nature of Your Anger
At the moment you become angry, you tend to believe that your misery has been created by anothe rperson. You blame him or her for all your suffering. But by looking deeply, you may realize that the seed of anger in you is the main cause of your suffering. Many other people, confronted with the same situation, would not get angry like you. They hear the same words, they see the same situation, and yet they are able to stay calm and not be carried away. Why do you get angry so easily? You may get angry very easily because of your seed of anger is too strong. And because you have not practiced the methods for taking good care of your anger, the seed of anger has been watered too often in the past."
I just copied and pasted that and it is going on my fridge. Is that pursuing?? I actually do not care a bit!
Hope, I am so, so, so glad to be rid of this soon--it's just my S I am so worried about. I completely lost my mind yesterday and said a BUNCH of horrible things. And how he had to leave, over and over and over, and he just sat there so smug and said he "wasn't leaving".
He has off work for another WEEK!!!! I can NOT imagine him being here--just can not imagine it. I am supposed to write a paper today and I HAVE to focus on it!! When he is here my stomach is in KNOTS!!
The sad thing is that he probably won't even think he has an anger management issue. I am sorry that you are so stressed. Ignore him if you can, don't let him have that sort of power over you. Oh, and document everything. Your L will need it.
hang in there, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
The L I was told to use is out on vacation for a week!! Do I wait or get another one in the meantime?
Ok, confession--I was so livid yesterday I got his ugly stupd shoes (he has a bit of a shoe fetish--and has these crocs that I DETEST) and put them in the garbage. I meant to take them out, really ! but I forgot!! So he asked me politely not to put his shoes in the garbage. lol. And is anything else in there? I just looked off into space and said Hm...(that was all.lol) so he was out there digging in the garbage for a bit.lol.
Ugh--I know this is childish. I can't believe he is able to get to me like this. I should go dark, or dim, huh. I have not been on "this side" of the spectrum with him. But I think it's time--let him see what this REALLY means!
I'm working on my paper--it's coming pretty easy actually. Thanks Kat!!! Thanks Hope!! You guys are great!!!!
Document that he took you off of all the accounts. Make a notation regarding what you were able to do on these accounts before. Document that he took your S to see the L with him...really a child has no place there. Date everything as well and also what percipated the behavior.
Make note of your living conditions and take photos too. I can't remember if he makes good money or not and if you have money problems or not. The kitchen should be useable especially when you already have the new appliances. I think is control of this situation is a form of abuse.
I know you aren't sure if you want a divorce, but gathering this stuff plus financials is part of the process if it happens. You need to establish prior behaviors in case he starts being Mr. Nice and fixing things etc. It is difficult to keep emotions out of it, but try.
I am sorry but I liked you throwing away the shoes! lol
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Even my sister-in-law (his side) was laughing at that one!! (the shoes).
And I went walking with my neighbor friends tonight and they are SUCH ENABLERS!!! They were FULL of very, very helpful ideas!hahaha.
I don't want the divorce really I guess-that is why I started coming here 6 years ago--but I feel pretty certain that there isn't much I didn't try. I was a good "DBer" and I know what it's going to take in this R, but I'm just not willing to be that person any longer--it's too much and everything seems to point to this being the right thing for me to do. I hope someday he get his anger taken care of, but it is not me that is going to get him to do it. He's not afraid of losing me enough to stop doing what he is doing.
The only thing I haven't tried is what I'm doing now--really playing tough and then I'm going dark. I haven't done that strategy!lol.
But I'm dangerously close to smelling freedom and not ever going back--and I would like to be the kind of person that would try again if he tried, know what I mean??
I think also an affair may be brewing--not sure about that one but it seems to come along about now, right? There's territory we haven't explored yet either...
I think you are SO RIGHT about the pictures!!! My sink is leaking underneath some way. I told H about it a week ago, he hasn't done anything about it, and I'm going to document the water under there and everything in bags on the floor so it won't get soaked.
Yes, he makes ridiculous money. By working only 11 days a month. It's unbelievable. Horrible black mold in our bathrooms, stained carpeting, a mattress that sags and all my appliances out in the garage and me using a dishwasher that I have to clean most of the stuff as soon as it's done. The new one is so nice--he did get an upgrade and I did appreciate that so much. He can be very decent, and then he has the other side.
I feel very sorry for him. Course, in a couple of days I'm sure he'll do something to make me get over THAT emotion!!
You also document the abusive things he has said and done to you. YOu write down as much verbal abuse and physical abuse as you can, and you date them to the best of your knowledge.
Part of you may never want a divorce. But you are right in not taking his crap anymore.
Yes, you should go dark. You were the one that originally encouraged me to do this - and to do it FOR ME. Now I"m reminding you. Get your space! And if he is around all week - GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Go for walks, the library, friends' houses, movies - anything to get space. You will fell so much better. Go to the library and start documenting everything. You will feel stronger knowing you have your ducks in a row, even if you dont' end up acting on it.
