*7/25 I sent H a picture of Boxer dog on a recent boat ride. Soooooo cute. *7/26 H texts, "Looks like you guys had fun at the lake:) scaredy cat looks like he's okay with the boat:) Couple of things, I'm gonna move my cable account because that's the only way I can get it here is to move it, which means you'll have to get them to come hook it up under your name. I haven't gotten this moving yet cuz I wanted to tell you first...I'm also gonna go this week and talk to the insurance ppl and get that all taken care of, and I'm gonna do the cellphone thing. I can do that on the net but I have to go to moms to do it...Are you ready for school to start back? From the background of the pictures u sent it looks like you're doing some house stuff I'm happy for u that you are making things happen over there" *I respond, "First question--what insurance things are you going to take care of?" *He responds, "Oh, making my stuff (car life etc) come outta my account not yours" *I say, "I'd check with your lawyer first. When you filed for divorce, that put a restraining order on both of us. There are certain things we can't change until this divorce is final." *He responds, "Oh ok" *I write, "Next thing--he loved being on the boat." *He asks, ":) did he swim?" *I say, "No, he didn't swim. He just stood on the back of the boat and waited for me while I did." *Then I write, "That's fine on the cable. I may go with a different company. Fine also on the cell phone. Just keep me in the loop." *He writes, "Ok" *I write, "I'm not ready for school to start back. I've had a very productive summer. I've done over the den, the bedroom, and now into the kitchen. I'm happy things are happening here, too. It just took me time to get to that point in the grief cycle. It makes me sad and disappointed that you didn't have the patience to wait for me to get there. It's too bad we couldn't survive through it." *I then write, "I also want to say that you were wrong about me. You said a lot of things, but on many of them you underestimated me. You underestimated that things could change. You underestimated how much I loved you, valued you, wanted you in my life, needed your companionship, and appreciated you. You underestimated my dedication to you. I believe that I was very good to you, and I guess I thought my "acts of service" demonstrated my devotion. I was very depressed for so long, and I couldn't even see how I insulated myself by getting absorbed with work, with books, or with my own thoughts. I made plenty of mistakes, and I'm sorry for those. Counseling has helped me accept my role in our difficulties. One day I'll tell you in person that I'm sorry for my choices and mistakes. It has made me sad that when I have written or spoken things to you during our separation, it has been interpreted as having a double meaning or a jab. This made me feel like you thought very little of me. That you believed I would be petty at every opportunity. I also believe that you underestimated my capacity to forgive. [Enter Dobson's "opening the cage door" concept.] I've been through many difficult moments since you left. My love for you made the possibility of life without you unbearable. To someone like me who expected to marry you and remain committed for life, it was a shock to see our relationship fall apart. It hurt so much that you could leave. I felt like I had no value to you. I felt like I wasn't worth the trouble to you. I felt like I wasn't worth fighting for. You married me of your own free will, and you're free to leave the marriage of your own will. I should never have tried to talk to you about why I believed our relationship was worth saving. We had different ideas, and we both thought we were right. This has been terribly painful, but I'm going to make it. We had some good times together. We have lots of good memories. I hope the future holds good things for you."
WOW! A tremendous weight has been lifted. I really needed to do that.
And husband of mine, if by chance you're reading this, I meant every word of it. I haven't deserved any of what you've given me, and I AM worth fighting for.
