Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[Dazed&Confused]

First, I would like to say that I am so glad that I ran across this site. I was desperately searching the internet for help, and this is the site that I found myself returning. I have been lurking here trying to read and absorb as many ideas as I could until my account was approved. It has been one of the longest 24hrs of my life. My situation has just started to develop. From my reading here, I have had a hard time finding someone in a similar predicament as myself. Thanks to all who are reading this, I will try and keep it as short as possible. Here is my story…..

I am 33 years old and my wife is 31 years old. We have been together for 13 years and have been married for 8 years. We have two children, a 6 year old son, and a 7 month old daughter. We have, at least to me, been happily married until this last year. I think I might have been a little depressed after my daughter was born. I wasn’t happy with my job, even though I liked the people and the work I did. I felt alone at home. I didn’t feel like I was getting the attention that I needed, and had a lot of guilt over it. I had a good job, a wife and kids that loved me. What else should I want! My wife went back to work after a few months, so I was watching the kids most nights and weekends. It just felt like I was treading water with nowhere to go. It felt like we just high fived at the door and that was it. I missing the intimacy in our relationship. After a while, things got a little better, but I was still missing the affection and attention. With my unhappiness at work, and probably home, I started looking for opportunities overseas. I figured it would be a good way to get my family ahead in this world, and let me work out my issues at the same time. My wife and I talked about it, and both agreed that it would be great way to get our family ahead. She didn't second guess me one time. So things happened really fast after this, I applied for a job, was hired, and was out of the country on a one year assignment in three weeks. Before I left, I decided to talk to my wife about us and some of the feelings I was having. I wanted to make sure that I left on the right foot. We had a nice heart to heart and I felt a lot better. I just didn’t tell her all of my thoughts. I was too ashamed to tell her about my feeling bad after my daughter was born, and being stressed from working and taking care of the kids most nights and weekends. I was afraid that she wouldn’t understand and just think that I was lazy.

I have been in Iraq for about a month and a half now. Things were going pretty good, but I was struggling with loneliness. During the little heart to heart, we talked about how our communication skills sucked and how we needed to work on that. This was my motivation to open up and tell her everything that I was feeling after my daughter was born. I told her that I was feeling bad, stressed, lacked attention, and even told her that I felt like I was a distant third in priorities, that I was becoming a burden to my family, and maybe it was better that I left. This is what I was feeling at the time, and I was trying to communicate that to her. I was trying to tell her that I felt a lot better now, but was still a little emotional, and asked her for help with this. What I was really trying to do was just make her aware and to realize that I needed her. I think this might have been the worst mistake of my life. I think this made her hit her breaking point. I didn’t hear anything from her the following day, so I let it sit. I called her the following day and asked her if she read my email.(it was one of the hardest emails that I had ever written, so I was a little nervous.) She told me that she was still processing my email, and she didn’t know what she could do to help me. Then things started to get weird. She stopped saying I love you in emails and was being unusually short on the phone, waiting for the chance to hand me off to my son. I think she might have hit her breaking point or something.

She was going on a road trip with my Aunt to visit some cousins in Florida, so I called her once she got to my Aunts house. This is when all hell broke loose. She told me that she couldn’t do it anymore. That she was done. I did all of the wrong things and begged and pleaded with her. Told her not to do me, to our kids, that I didn’t want to loose her. She said that she would never take my kids away. That of course she would want to move back home. (far way) But she wouldn’t do that to me. That and she was afraid that she was going to push me over the edge and told me that I couldn’t kill myself. I couldn’t do it to my kids and my family. That made me think that maybe I screwed up in that email. I didn’t want or mean for her to think that I was suicidal, just what I was feeling. I didn't want her to get upset because my feelings were getting hurt. I just wanted to let her know that I was working through my issues, and needed a little help. I never done this before, ask for help straight out, and felt bad for asking, but it was going to be a long year, and just thought I would need some extra help in the beginning. I thought that maybe she was just stressed and caught up in the heat of the moment, but she texted me the next day to see how I was doing. I told her that I would be lying if I said that I was doing well. We chit-chatted a little bit, I told her that I loved her. She responded with “I know, I do too.” I joked around and said what, you love yourself? That’s when she said no, I will always love you, but I do not want to mislead you. This freaked me out so I told her not to give up on us and our family, and that is when she told me that she was done, and that there was nothing that I could do or say to change her mind. It killed me. I asked her what she would do if she was in my shoes and told her that I couldn’t give up on her and my kids. This was two days ago, and I haven’t initiated contact since. It is killing me because I am going to have to call to talk to my son, but I am afraid. I am trying to get my mind right. This has happened so fast, that I do not know what to do. Literally a few days ago, things didn't seem better. I pictures from her, I love you's, everything. Now I can barely eat, I feel sick to my stomack, and I just wish i could manage more than two hours of sleep at a time.

I know now that everything I did following my situation was wrong. The one thing that probably pushed her over the edge is probably the last thing that will bring her back. I just do not know what to do. It's so hard to sit by and hope things get better, but I don't want to beg and plead only to push her away. I have ordered the DR and DB books. Hopefully that will help. The one question I do have is that from my readings here, we might have two problems. Everything that I was feeling before I left seem to be a MLC, and now I have a WAW. I can honestly say, the WAW has made me completely forget about any problems I may have had before. I am trying to stay positive, but I do not know how I am going to save my marriage, from half way across the world. I am in the very beginning of my deployment and this is going to kill me. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice.

GoG8trz

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Go,

I wouldn't beat yourself up over the e-mail. Whether your wife is WAW, MLC, cheating, or some combination of the three, I highly doubt it was your honesty in your e-mail that pushed her over the edge. It's almost ALWAYS the case that a WAW was ALREADY unhappy, and just looking for some excuse to flee the marriage.

Her not wanting to work at it AT ALL does set off some red flags for me; are you sure there is no one else in the picture?

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

I'm not sure. I have only been gone for a month and a half. We have two kids, and one of them is a baby. She has a girl who watches our baby daughter sometimes so its always possible. We have always been so close, and the amount of time that has gone by makes it hard for me to believe. That being said, I can't believe that I am on this site in the first place!

I have read a lot of posts these past two days and have not been looking forward to your response Puppy. You are right though, I have to consider it. I just have no way confirming anything, I'm halfway across the globe and have never had any desires to have access to her accounts.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, it could be nothing, but I always like to get people to be wary from the get-go, lest you be blindsided later on.

She was awfully young when you guys first got together; it could just be simple wanderlust on her part, but her stubborn refusal to even TRY does make me wary.

Just be careful.

Puppy

[eeyore_no_more]

I know you have needs, but you just had a daughter seven months ago.

Your wife has been involved in bonding with and taking care of your new baby. Unfortunately, that takes some of the focus off you and your son for a while.

This was a time she probably could have used some extra support and understanding. This was not the time to get hung up on your needs and run away overseas for a year when she needed you the most.

In her eyes, she may be trying to protect herself, because she thinks you walked away first.

[Dazed&Confused]

Eeyor,

I know exactly what you are saying. This is why I had so much guilt over what I was going through. I'm trying figure this out, but I can't. It all just looks like it was a terrible time for me to get needy. It kills me.....I should have just kept my mouth shut. As far as deploying though, I really thought she was good with it. Apparantly she may have been a little too for it....sigh....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This was a time she probably could have used some extra support and understanding. This was not the time to get hung up on your needs and run away overseas for a year when she needed you the most.

I figured it would be a good way to get my family ahead in this world, and let me work out my issues at the same time. My wife and I talked about it, and both agreed that it would be great way to get our family ahead. She didn't second guess me one time.

[john28]

Don't beat yourself up over that email. Maybe it was wrong to send it then - but it wasn't the REASON why all of this happened.

In DR, you'll read that WAW are just looking for that excuse or final straw to walk. "Whenever I get back into school and finish my degree." "When I meet a new man that will take care of me better." "When he leaves for a long weekend and doesn't call me." "When he sends a long email to me explaining how I'm so wrong."

That email wasn't the tipping or breaking point. It was just an excuse for her to be a WAW. Don't beat yourself up on this.

For some clarity, how permanent is this contract in Iraq? Must you stay there? What would it be like financially if you left? What are the effects if you leave?

[Dazed&Confused]

It is supposed to be a year assignment. I am allowed a mid-tour break that I was going to take in January. Now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to rush home, but I'm scared for us. If I do that only to find out that that she dead set on this, then I will loose my family and my job. I am just generally freaking out right now I guess....

[Dazed&Confused]

This was a time she probably could have used some extra support and understanding. This was not the time to get hung up on your needs and run away overseas for a year when she needed you the most.

I figured it would be a good way to get my family ahead in this world, and let me work out my issues at the same time. My wife and I talked about it, and both agreed that it would be great way to get our family ahead. She didn't second guess me one time.

I know puppy. I thought it too. I used to do 4mon deployments years ago and we were always fine. So I never even thought about it. Maybe she just got tired of always being the strong one in family. She was always there for me and I used that......