WAW Using God III

[pigskin]

Creating a new thread as I noticed WAW Using God II is now locked.

Here are links to my prior threads:

WAW Using God
WAW Using God II

Here's text from the original post on my old thread along with a brief summary of my situation for reference:

Long story short, I'm Catholic and at the time of marriage, my wife was an atheist. This was not a deal breaker to me as she is a wonderful woman and mother who would do anything for anyone. I figured once our kids got involved in growing up Catholic (she agreed we would raise them Catholic, otherwise it would have been a deal breaker) she would feel somehow she was missing out on something and it might get her to come around.

It didn't help that I was pretty strong in my beliefs and every time the subject came up she'd get frustrated when I would refute her arguments against existence of God (we're both scientifically educated through college, so I'd use a lot of fact based debate and "reasonable doubt" points). So I just let it go to see what happened over the years.

Well, she found God, through the OM she works with. He heard of her atheism and wanted to find out why (he's Christian), and took it on himself to see if he could convince her otherwise. Complication - he is in a miserable marriage with kids and has been for years. They commiserated about each others marriage problems and - voila - fell into an EA.

Now her confusion - she found God through OM, so OM must have been sent to her from God, and meant for her to be with him. He makes her happier than she has ever been, etc. etc. just like all other EAs. She thinks God brought myself and her together to produce our wonderful kids and now He's going to provide her with her own happiness.

Our marriage was Christmas card perfect on the outside, but like many LBHs the underlying unhappiness she was feeling was not apparent due to my being oblivious and explaining her behaviors away on other things - depression, aging, being a mom. I am a "Clint Eastwood" type, always feeling I needed to be strong, like most men, and was not a big sharer of feelings although they have always been strong for her.

Everyone, even her mother, sees me as a super dad and husband for all I do, but emotionally, I've been lacking. I've made great strides in this area, but like many hear, "It's too late."

A Brief History of [Pigskin's] Time:

--W suffers from depression but thinks it is "situational", on meds and counseling

--W wanted separation from the date of bomb drop to "figure out what I want"

--Pigskin resists separation out of fear EA will escalate

--Made usual newbie mistakes during first few weeks

--Attended Retrouvaille and all post sessions but W was still deep in EA

--Attempted DB tactics but still too much Mr. Nice Guy

--Finally took DB/detaching seriously after all else failed

--Delivered ultimatum that EA stops or W moves out

--W loses job where OM works

--W moves out, says OM contact has ended but has no hope for R

--OM contact never really ended, affair is ongoing

--June 2010 Pigskin tells W he's going to talk to lawyers

--July 2010 process of dissolution begins

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Recent interactions with W have been cordial. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that she brought OM up to the in-laws to have dinner. I have no proof, but she had taken the kids up during the week (Wed through Thursday night) then went back to see them Sunday. They live 2 hours away, and she is going up again this Friday, so that is why I think the Sunday visit sounds fishy.

The only reason it bothers me is the feeling of a bit of betrayal by my in-laws. I guess I don't want them to accept the OM, or even welcome him into their home. But I suppose they feel over a barrel, and don't want a strained relationship with their daughter, so they have to take a bite from the sh*t sandwich.

Like I said, no proof, so it could just be me doing some mindless speculation.

Spoke to my lawyer yesterday, as he had gotten through reviewing the financial questionnaire I completed for him. He doesn't feel like there will be any big sticking points for our dissolution. He expects to have the documents drawn up for me to review within 2 weeks.

No word from my W's church on whether they sat down with the OM. They recently had a major upheaval in leadership, so they may be caught up in that. In any case, I put no stock in that effort at all. I'm moving on. Short of my W doing a complete 180, she will just be a speck in my rear view mirror.

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Had a good, quiet weekend. W had kids at in-laws. I spent most of the time cleaning the carpets and straightening up our house.

Had weekend plans with a friend of mine, but they fell through, so I didn't do anything "fun".

In a holding pattern with my situation as I await the paperwork from my L on his first run through of the dissolution agreement. I'm really interested in how my W will react when I hand her the papers. She still says nothing about the logistics of divorce, and is driving nothing.

I don't think of my W much, when I do think about us, it is more along the lines of "what a shame, and a senseless development".

I think I would love to have a girlfriend, as that would help me move on completely. I feel "ready", not for something serious, but more of a fun hanging out relationship. But I think it would definitely be best to wait until the dissolution goes through. After all, I don't really want to have to tell potential girlfriends I'm still married. I don't think I'd date a woman who was still married, no matter how estranged she was from her husband.

[idontunderstand]

Hey, Pigskin.

Just wanted to say thanks for following along and for the support. I can't imagine where I would be without you and everyone else.

I have to take a break for a while and get busy with the really hard stuff. I can't live like this anymore. I do hope she "sees the light", but I can't count on it and just wait around anymore. I'm sure I will have some questions and will still mess up. We have to do some things on our own, you know?

Good luck to you. You sound like you are in the right frame of mind. You are doing what you have to do and you have done all that you could do to save your M.

Continued prayers to you and your family. I hope to find the peace that you have soon.

[pigskin]

I hope to find the peace that you have soon.

I pray you do, and you will. The peace comes from prayer, and trusting everything to God. And letting your wife go. Not looking for revenge, or justice even, as that is God's business.

You have to know that He still loves your W, even as she is doing horrible things. You have to love her too, but you don't have to stay married to her. Hand her back to Him, and let Him worry about her. Just continue to pray for her.

Then, understand that God will take care of you. That doesn't mean He's going to lay out a nice comfy path. But you will be taken care of.

If you are at all like me, this emotional trial has brought you closer to God, which is a tremendous blessing. It will pay huge dividends down the road.

[idontunderstand]

pray you do, and you will. The peace comes from prayer, and trusting everything to God. And letting your wife go. Not looking for revenge, or justice even, as that is God's business.

Thanks, I know I will. I remember hearing something on the X-Files of all places . They were debating the existence of God and if He does, indeed, speak to us. Anyway, the answer that Scully gave was, "The problem isn't that God doesn't speak to us. The problem is that we don't listen." That has stuck with me for years. I need to spend more time listening.

You have to know that He still loves your W, even as she is doing horrible things. You have to love her too, but you don't have to stay married to her. Hand her back to Him, and let Him worry about her. Just continue to pray for her.

All very true. All part of letting go.

Then, understand that God will take care of you. That doesn't mean He's going to lay out a nice comfy path. But you will be taken care of.

Also true. I really need to let go of the fear. What about the kids, what about this, what would happen if...........

Let go.

If you are at all like me, this emotional trial has brought you closer to God, which is a tremendous blessing. It will pay huge dividends down the road.

I think I am a lot like you. I have always believed that God brings us closer to him through trials and tribulations. I always thought that I had my fair share of them. Boy, was I wrong. I am sure it will pay dividends in my life. I hope to be able to pay it forward, somehow. Whether on here like Puppy and Coach and Greek and Rob and others-(sorry if I left anyone out. I could go on and on )-I don't know. I do know the things I have learned about myself and this whole process and how it all probably could have been avoided need to be out there for all to learn and understand. They shouldn't have to be found searching the web for "my wife hates me." Or, "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore."

This is too important and anyone who thinks that it can't happen to them needs only to look at everyone here. It happens evey day.

[pigskin]

Heading to the in-laws with the kiddies for the weekend - without my W. Going to get in my first round of golf this year with FIL. Nice to be able to maintain a positive relationship with them, despite all that is going on. They've been squarely in my corner while providing whatever support they can to their daughter.

They are the perfect in-laws. I couldn't have scripted them better myself. This is the first time I've visited them without my W.

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Weekend with inlaws was great. Played golf with FIL and then just hung out with them.

Got confirmation that my W brought the OM to meet them. I didn't ask, in fact, I never initiated any discussion about my W at all with them. FIL and I spent 4 hours playing golf without a mention of her.

My MIL was the one who brought it up. She said my W called and said "My friend would like to see your landscaping" (they just had some work done and it looks great). That's how she said it to my MIL: "my friend".

I could tell my MIL wasn't comfortable with it, but she said that "W is our daughter, and if she's going to be with this guy, we'll have to know him". But she described the entire meeting/dinner with him as "awkward". She said "He said all the right things, but it was so uncomfortable. When they left, W got a hug, but he just got a handshake."

To know my in-laws, that is pretty significant. They are very friendly and open, and they hug anyone. I got big hugs when I first met them. Obviously the conditions of my meeting were much better.

MIL said that FIL never says anything bad about anyone. And he didn't say a word about the OM.

MIL had a few drinks in her, so she was pretty candid with me. I sympathized with her that I could understand that it would be very awkward.

When I was leaving, I got a big hug and kiss from MIL, and a bear hug from FIL. It made me feel good to know they don't believe I did anything to mistreat their daughter.

I know I will always have a good relationship with them; they really love me. I really pity them for what they will have to deal with when my W brings OM around. Their cool reception to the OM won't make my W's life any easier.

[idontunderstand]

Hey, Pigskin.

It's good that you can maintain a relationship with the in-laws. When I told mine about the things my W was doing, they agreed with me that what she was doing was wrong, but her mom said she didn't want to alienate her. I told her I wasn't trying to make her do that and I didn't expect her to dis-own her or anything. I just felt like they needed to know that I loved their daughter and that I had my faults and took responsibility for my part of this but I didn't want a D. They said they understood and told me I could talk to them anytime that I wanted.

I guess the WAW will look back one day and realize how they messed up. Even if they don't, we are better people because of what we have been through.

I'm glad you are doing well. Take care of yourself.

[knittedscarff]

It sounds like you had a great trip with your in-laws. Glad to hear it!

Did they mention anything about the fake church your wife goes to? I'm curious because they would know their daughter better than anyone else.

Do they see a positive and good change now that she's pretending she's a good Christian (who's - all the same - still committing infidelity since you are not divorced or annulled). Or do they view it like you would a teenager that dyes their hair black and puts on combat boots one month and the next month they are wearing high heels and pretty dresses.

Do THEY see this as a phase or a true change?