I've been slowly digging at this one over the past few days - I'm pretty sure my H saying he is no longer attracted to me has got me a little messed up. I keep poking at that issue a little bit trying to uncover the deep down effects of that comment, but I almost feel an inner shield being put up like I don't want to go there. Maybe I'll revisit that one AFTER this weekend is over.
Rule number #1.....Don't believe anything they say.
What is gnawing at you is fear.
Fear that he "just is not into you". (puleeze)
Fear that there is something wrong with you. (doubt it)
Fear of why he is not attracted to you. (so he says)
We could go on and on....
Stop worrying about what YOU THINK he is saying or thinking...(words of advice to myself also)
Don't measure your progress, your growth, your journey based on what he is thinking or saying.....(this was pointed out to me yesterday so I am just passing it along)
Glad you are going to do some digging, that is exactly where the work lies that needs to be done.
Face those fears and conquer them and you will find that you once had walls built up around you. What you will realize is that you did not even know they were there and when they crumble a whole new outlook on life will be openned up to you.
On another note: Mandatory "Little Friday" equipment includes Wine Bottle openner and at least one bottle of "something" in the house at all times. LOL.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
More serious thoughts now that my fun weekend is winding down. So in the current set up, I am trying to find a job, but essentially am still operating as a SAHM and relying 100% on my H for financial support. When he is in town (which isn't often these days due to work travel), he comes over in the evenings and on weekends to spend time with D.
I've been thinking about setting up something similar to a visitation schedule, where he would actually have her overnight on the weekends or something like that. I know that right now its my 'job' to care for her during the day, but I guess I'm looking to ease the burden of always being here or being responsible for finding child care on weeknights and weekends.
So how would that work? Being that we haven't had a R talk since my little outburst and subsequent return home, I don't know where his head is - and that is okay, but if I push for him to actually care for D in his apt (which really only consists of an airbed and TV - seriously), that may appear like drawing a line in the sand for him. I haven't even voiced to him that I am standing for our M.
My other thought is do I just ask him to stay at our house some nights so he can watch her in a setting that has all of D's stuff, and then I can come home (or not) and get my 'break' in that way? I don't mind him being here - we're comfortable around each other and he still looks after the pets and other household things if I'm not available.
Sorry for this but I have to throw this out to the group before I go on….Am I the only one getting totally confused between lala and lola? LMAO….Sorry Lala – I had too.
Quote:
I know that right now its my 'job' to care for her during the day, but I guess I'm looking to ease the burden of always being here or being responsible for finding child care on weeknights and weekends.
Although taking care of children is a first priority for many of us, you also need to take care of YOU. Your DD is the child of both YOU and YOUR H. IMO he needs to share in the responsibility of raising your child and that sharing should be more than just financial.
Personally, I think you should have the discussion. At the end of the day, you guys will need to co-parent your DD no matter what happens.
I think you need to stop worrying about what he is going to say, how he is going to feel and sit down and figure out what you think works for the both of you (with your DD best interest in mind). Come up with a plan that you think is fair. You should not try to punish him BUT he should bear some responsibility.
In terms of having him come over. I still live in the same house as my W and I have to tell you that it does present challenges. Can it be done. Yes. Is it ideal. Not IMO.
If you are comfortable with him in the house are you SURE that you do not want this as a way of maintain a connection? If you are, then know that you may be setting yourself up to be hurt. I understand that he only has an air mattress and TV in his apt. That is HIS choice NOT yours. Your DD should love him and be comfortable not matter where he lives.
My advice (FWIW) would be to focus on getting a job, figuring out what that schedule would be and then having a sit down with him to agree to what YOU want for YOUR DD.
In my stich as we are moving forward, my plan is to pick up my D everyday M-W at 6:30 and bring her back to my house (when I decide to leave), on Thrus, pick up her and my middle son after school and bring them to my house, on Friday pick up my oldest and have all three F – Sunday.
It can be done Lala…just think about what YOU want and don’t worry about what HE wants.
Good luck Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Lala Sorry for this but I have to throw this out to the group before I go on….Am I the only one getting totally confused between lala and lola? LMAO….Sorry Lala – I had too.
No problem, she is a great girl to get confused with!
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
If you are comfortable with him in the house are you SURE that you do not want this as a way of maintain a connection? If you are, then know that you may be setting yourself up to be hurt.
I'm sure that it is not to maintain connection - I really want DD to be in a good routine without things changing so much and for her to be comfortable. Perhaps that the control freak in me! It is funny though, since I've been back, I don't count down the hours until H arrives here and find myself not being sad when he leaves. Baby steps!
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
My advice (FWIW) would be to focus on getting a job, figuring out what that schedule would be and then having a sit down with him to agree to what YOU want for YOUR DD.
So are you saying that I shouldn't bring this up until I secure a job and have more of a schedule?
So are you saying that I shouldn't bring this up until I secure a job and have more of a schedule?
IMO - the first question you need to ask is what is best for you DD. The fact that you do not have a set schedule would mean that you would go back to your H and ask to change it.
So before I continue to answer this question let me ask you a few..
1) How often does your H see his D? 2) How are you doing on the job front? Any good prospects? 3) In terms of employment, what type of work and hours are you expecting to have? 4) Is your H capable of taking care of your DD? Has he done this in the past? 5) You indicate that you are back in the home. Is he covering all of the expenses? If so, do you at least have some sort of disposable income for yourself? 6) How far does your H live from you? 7) Does your H's job enable him to take D during the week?
As a father I can only tell you that IMO your D needs her daddy. It looks like you are tying to do the right thing, which I commend you for.
BTW - no need to tell him you are standing for your M. This is something that you just do. Action my friend speak louder than words.
Finally, I know that you are standing for your M. Do you know if H has accumulated debt? If so, you need to keep an eye on this.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
1) How often does your H see his D? 2) How are you doing on the job front? Any good prospects? 3) In terms of employment, what type of work and hours are you expecting to have? 4) Is your H capable of taking care of your DD? Has he done this in the past? 5) You indicate that you are back in the home. Is he covering all of the expenses? If so, do you at least have some sort of disposable income for yourself? 6) How far does your H live from you? 7) Does your H's job enable him to take D during the week?
1. When he is in town and doesn't have late work meetings, he is here to play with her and put her to bed. On weekends, he is usually around all day. 2. Working on getting my resume out there, have met with a head hunter. More networking planned for this week. 3. Going forward, I'm viewing myself as a single mom, so I'm looking for something with a good work/life balance and no travel. I was really up front about that point with the people I've already met with. H just travels so much that I can't rely on him. 4. Totally capable. He's a really good Dad to D. He has kept her overnight on his own. I definitely think it stresses him out a bit to spend multiple days, all day with her. My take on this: suck it up! 5. He is covering all of the expenses and each month I just tell him what my credit card bill is. He manages our mortgage, bills, checking account, insurance, etc. As far as disposable income, if I want to go out to dinner, or buy some clothes, I do. I'm very open with him about how I spend money. 6. His apt. is about 10 mins away. 7. Again, his schedule is unpredictable from week to week, so it is unreasonable to say 'every wednesday, you have D', but yes, there are some nights and weekends when he could have full responsibility.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Do you know if H has accumulated debt? If so, you need to keep an eye on this.
We have always had separate credit cards. I know that before MLC, he was carrying a pretty high balance on his (like $15K), I have a feeling it may be higher now, but I'm not sure. We've talked a little about spending recently. I broke down my monthly spending to show him where everything goes, and we talked about him eating out for almost every meal...oh yeah, and that apt. rent that is practically the same as our mortgage each month. When I told him that I would be moving back home, he mentioned having to find a cheaper apt. About time if you ask me. It's a giant fancy one bedroom loft downtown, he had been renting furniture, but has since discontinued it to save $$. He also gave up his premium parking space. Like I said before, the ONLY thing in there now is an air mattress, projector and screen.
Thank you for the response to my questions. I am formulating my response back to you so sit tight. How are you feeling today?
Hopefully your off interviewing. Good luck!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hey lala ... I don't have much time now for posting but I wanted to chime in re the childcare stuff.
If I'm reading right then he comes over most evenings, if he's in town, to play with DD and be there for bedtime. If I were you, I'd start by GALing at this time ... you know he's coming, be ready to leave when he gets there. Go to a class, exercise, walk, sit at a bookstore, visit with friends ... whatever strikes your fancy. Also, you could express that since it's important for DD to spend as much time with Daddy as possible, that going forward you would be willing to work on a flexible schedule allowing him to keep her overnight when he's in town (or something to that effect). Whether he keeps her at the house and you choose to leave for the night (what I did to allow for stability for the kids - although I'm ending this agreement after 3 mos as I believe they've had transitionary time and we can alter it now) ... or ... if he takes her to his place and figures out on his own how to make that work is up to you. Oh, or if the weekends is what will work then perhaps it's Friday night to Sunday night ... just remember that "play with her and bedtime" is not parenting ... it's visiting. He and she will both miss out on all kinds of experiences if this is all he's doing.
Chat later, Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
