Another thing to consider, don't get all worked up about this, it is what it is, let her react how she wants to react, agree with her, use the guideline I've provided and the argument will be over sooner and easier than if you had defended yourself against her.
These situations are going to happen... OFTEN ;-)
You know that now, I told you this already, that is your advantage, since you know it's coming, it's not a surprise, it's not unexpected, you can control yourself, show some emotional strength by not getting excited or angry or argumentative and just handle it like a strong man can.
remember keep it short, don't go "melty man" in the email, keep it brief and to the point, let her invest the energy into making this a big issue, you keep it brief and to the point.
Use this as a way of recognizing how she's going to react to stuff. It's kind of fun to be able to predict how your spouse will react, and being one step ahead of her. Not that it's a game, but it will help you feel more in control of yourself since nothing should surprise you. It's really just a game of chess.
[quote=dsh4320]Remember about the arguments, don't defend yourself, quickest way to end the argument is NOT defend yourself.
"You are right, I was wrong"
"Yup, I lied, I can see why you could never trust someone like me"
"I'm a liar, I can't even understand it myself, I had no real reason to lie but I lied just the same and all I can say is sorry for lying to you, it was the wrong thing to do."
Say the ones I bolded enough times and about the third or fourth it loses its meaning completely. It's all well and good to validate and be prepared for her response and to handle it well, but how about you don't DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS WRONG AND IS GUARANTEED TO BE DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RECONCILIATION ATTEMPTS?
? I have him agreeing with what she said, you can call it validating, we're just agreeing with her point of view plain & simple and I told dsh to keep it simple, not overly elaborate, let her lead that discussion/argument and his job is to defuse it by agreeing and not defending himself.
It works, it will work.
It worked several times last week and it will work again this week and next week and the weeks following after that.
Basically the idea is not to defend yourself, she's not going to physically kill him, so all we're talking about basically is having him stop his default reaction which is to defend his ego.
You stop defending yourself in these types of arguments and the arguments don't have any fuel to continue burning, the other spouse has nothing to argue with, plain & simple.
Seriously I don't know. Maybe I am a compulsive liar. Maybe I'm afraid of your reaction to what ever I say or do, maybe I'm afraid of you being angry at me. Maybe I feel like whatever I do isn't good enough on some level. I'm not sure anymore but it definitely is a problem.
Your right, I bought things yesterday, the necklaces and shirt were purchased. I bought something for me and got the bags for free.
I cannot explain why I didn't tell the truth, But obviously lies big or small are a big deal. I have no excuse for it.
You have every right to be angry at me. I can see why you could never trust someone like me.
I understand that. What I'm saying is that if he has to keep agreeing with her about a particular bad behavior, then, well, maybe he ought to consider quitting that particular bad behavior.
I will psot what i sent her, I know she will read it as I am agreeing with her to make her happy. She is pissed, and I can say that I can tell things are working in small strides, or she wouldnt get upset like she is. She talks about me as "if" i am stil the H in this, I need to focus on the fact she is all over the place, and I need to work on the things I need to change in me.
I understand that. What I'm saying is that if he has to keep agreeing with her about a particular bad behavior, then, well, maybe he ought to consider quitting that particular bad behavior.
agreed, personal development is a big part of this also but not for her sake, for his own.
Right now, getting on her good side during these little spats is something he can do now, quickly without taking several months of books, learning cd's, individual counseling, etc. And it helps the other goal as well, learning how to stop arguments because in the end, no one wins an argument.
Example, say he argues every argument she puts before him and let's say for arguments sake that he is 110% right in every situation. He wins the argument, big deal, she's still pissed at him, angrier than before and no where closer to the finish line.
