though I may move beyond the a and the seperation and the almost tearing apart of our family...
how will I explain to dd why her baby book isn't as filled in as son's? myself being the last of three children..I didn't even have a baby book..so I swore that all my children would..with son I was dedicated and wrote in it each month his little milestones or just some motherly banter...with dd I started to do the same despite the fact that I was tired and strained and depressed and knew something just wasn't right...her baby book stopped being filled in about the time I discovered ow...she was just three months old...her first year of life was a blur to me...though I was determined to take lots and lots of pics..I am saddened to look at them now for I am reminded of how daddy wasn't even living here for her first birthday.
I know there is the future to look toward and plenty more years of memories and pictures but the most precious time of my dd's life was stolen from her and I.
She of course was a happy little baby (though she kept me up at night) she was my strength and joy during my turmoil..what hell we went through.
here's another bit of my tunnel dwelling...as many of you may know my father cheated on my mother the final cause of their d was my mom's having enough when discovering yet another ow and his not being able to make the choice...I don't draw many similarities between my h and my dad but can't help but think "what if", in looking at pics of myself and having seen many pics of my mother when she was young..the resemblace is uncanny...not just looks but mostly expressions...am I destined to live the same life? I know I cannot dwell in such thoughts all I can do is tell myself I am my mothers daughter but I am not my mother..and though my h is a man and has made some of the same mistakes my father made he is not my father...our future is not related to THEIR pasts...of course other than to note that each my mom and dad have made the statement that the other just didn't love them.
So I suppose I should learn from their (and my) misfortune and realize that no matter what if there is love we cannot allow it to be masked by the hurt that comes with love.
if I am angry I need to let it be known that it is the act or words that anger me and not the person.
if I am hurt I need to let it be known that it is the action or the words that hurt me and not the person.
if there is love I need to let that love be known despite the hurt that comes with it.
all that may make sense to some of you and the rest should just understand that it is just another one of those LL moments.
here's a re-cap of today...
what h did that I didn't like...
while I was preparing to clean the kitchen floor h was taking son only outside thus putting dd into a little tiff...begrudginly h was convinced to take dd out.
h let son go off to neighbors by himself (there are kids there but they are a couple years older and up)
h finished working outside conveniently at 1pm and left son at neighbors.
h starts watching football promptly upon entering house with his walki talkie phone chirping every min talking to buddie. (I just shut the damn basement door as it was annoying)
h watched football from 1pm - 8pm and as far as I know is still watching though he did stop to eat dinner and then later to shower and put son to bed.
ok think that's enough of the grrrrr stuff...so what did h do that was nice (or ass kissing cause he knows he's being a turd)
send dd up with a soda for me at a random time. said "I would have taken that up" when I picked up the empty plate from the sub I made him while he was watching football.
cleaned up the table and floor after breakfast
cleaned up the table and floor after dinner
folded his own laundry (well I wasn't about to do it this time as he again dumped a load of the kids stuff from the dryer on top without folding it...grrrr I hate when people do that fold it or leave it there damn it)
fixed the fire I started when I wasn't looking
ok so here's a neg linked to a positive...h has bad habbit of smoking all my ciggerettes when he runs out..I was going to go to the store and buy more but he said "with your eye? I'll go" so he's off to the store.
I suppose it's really not a big deal that h chooses to watch football and ignore us all day...and maybe if we didn't have little ones I'd join him (though I don't feel very welcome when he's got that damn walkie talkie going all the time...it screams to me...I don't need your company plus he didn't ask me to at all this time) but I do feel a tad resentful toward him when on his only day off he spends vertually none of it with son. While I was down stairs playing with the kids he refused to get off the couch and play with us despite the fact that son asked several times..just kept promising when mamma takes dd up to bed he'd play..I think that game lasted all of five min cuase by the time I got downstairs son was alone watching tv upstairs while h was back to watching football in the basement.
