How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[cat04]

I just want to UNDERSTAND WHY. WHY take a young girl with her whole life full of dreams and ambition ahead of her and destroy her just because you can since she loves you so much and put all of her devotion and trust in you?

Rlay,

Of course you want to understand Why. It would make it easier wouldn't it? Easier to have the explanation and KNOW that it was because of him and not you.

It was because of him and NOT you.

Unfortunately, that is an answer you may never get from him. If you do get it, it will be a long time coming because he has to understand it first.

Abusers, have issues. Deep seated issues. The guilt and remorse that you saw, was the truth about how he feels about his behavior. However, he doesn't have the tools within him to stop it right now. He may or may not ever look for those tools.

What I want to know, is now that you have the only explanation that you are gonna get for a while, why did you remain there and allow it to happen for so long?

Because there was something within you, a dynamic between the two of you, that did allow this to happen.

It could be simply that you were a pleaser, or didn't want to be alone. You don't have to be totally broken to have this happen. But there was something. At the beginning, there was something that kept you from saying "Hell no".

Sort of sucks to not be able to be the 100% victim, doesn't it?

Why did you accept the abuse as a form of love?

How did you feel about it?

How has it affected your self perception?

Your post about the abuse, was very detatched IMO. Which is normal. Normal for someone who has gone through this.

Eric, and others, have the anger right now that you should have.

It is sort of funny because we talk about getting rid of anger here, but you really do need to feel it before you can get rid of it.

Rlay, it is ok if the answer is "I don't know". Often, these things happen and we hope that it will change and by the time we realize it isn't going to, we are already very broken. And really don't know what to do. This is when we really become the victim.

Then the point comes, where we have to work through it, find whatever reasons we can live with, hopefully recognize the behaviors and thought patterns within ourselves that ALLOWED it to happen, and change those. With that, we change ourselves, and it isn't something we will be so willing to put up with again.

So, I am going to suggest that it is time to shift the focus off of your H and onto you Rlay.

You can control your behaviors, you can understand your dynamic in this.

Him, that is a whole different ball game...