A new day ... or something equally cliche ....

[Truegritter]

I know I wasn't. IMO, a lack of boundaries shows a lack of self respect, or at least it did for me.

I look at boundaries as tools to help you down the path. When you first started standing you may not have realized why. You hurt. You start down the path. Part of that is detaching. Detaching in itself is a boundary. You may have to go so far as having no contact for a while (another boundary) Then through the process when you have gotten yourself away from the source causing you pain.

You realize that you control yourself and you do not have to be a victim of someone elses choices or behaviors.

As I have always said this is a process. So until you reach a point of healing and understanding then yes maybe boundaries are necessary. I am NOT saying you go through life letting people walk all over you. Quite the opposite.

What you may have allowed as your old self you will not allow as your new because you have learned your self respect lies within you.

Self respect is NOT given to you by another. You have to nurture it yourself so by definition it does not depend on another.

there really is a third option IMO, to stick with the format from earlier let's call it 1.5) lovingly detach, have compassion and set a boundary. Boundaries ... compassion ... loving detachment ... none of these are mutually exclusive. Stay and face my fears? How does letting someone continue to behave disrespectfully towards you help you face your fears?

I was responding to Time when I said this and in context I mean when you get here you have a choice to make.

Run away (leave your M)

Or

Stand and fight

The latter being a process I have described on my thread and my posts here.

Leaving you confirm you are a victim and you give your power and your self repsect away. IMO.

Staying takes courage. Walking the path takes courage. And in my opnion you only learn these things by walking this path and experiencing it through your trials.

Which choice takes more courage and which leads to greater self respect, honor and integrity?

Ultimately, what they choose to do can have very real consequences for someone else. Physical, financial, etc. Emotionally we can and should detach, and that detachment will protect us, but I maintain that sometimes we need to set healthy boundaries and not accept/tolerate certain behaviours.

Totally agree with this and I don't think my post said that I don't. We (and I) say you protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally first. I would never advise otherwise.

My point is when you decide to heal and gain the understanding that allows you to accept and forgive the actions of another then you can do that. Then you are free from the pain those actions caused you.

If I know that "letting" someone behave in a certain manner towards me makes me "feel hurt, etc" then I can CHOOSE to no longer tolerate that behaviour. This, IMO, is not an attempt to control someone else but actually taking control of ones own emotional health and taking responsibility. I have set a boundary. I have not run away, I am no longer scared. I controlled myself and what I would and would not allow.

Yup.

Look there comes a day that WHEN your spouse is healthy (and you may not want to wait for this because it may never happen) THEN you see the person for who they are and you decide maybe

hey this isn't someone I really want to be around.

Hopefully you have done your own work and make that choice from a place of compassion and loving detachment.

To get there is a lot of work that most people don't have the patience or fortitude for. Statistics would bear this out and I am one of those statistics already.

This is tough road but if you choose it there is an amazing discovery down the path.

And you only get there by walking it step by step.