Believing (good read for newcomers)

[Piano]

Thanks for this great post Wired. I hope I can overcome my fears in order to create a better future for me and my baby, with or without WH.

[naturallyblessed]

Great post!!!

[MarkIII]

Can I ask you how did you come to the inner peace in yourself? What helped you come to realize?

Thanks from a real newbie who has not read or got the book yet..

[SunnyD]

Great Post!

I will add that for people new to the journey, it doesn't mean you should not take the steps because you aren't there yet, at the point of no longer caring about the outcome. Sometimes we have to fake it til we make it! Action can bring about feeling, so you have to start somewhere. You start acting confident, independent, detached and hopefully you will start feeling that! "Act enthusiastic and you'll BE enthusiastic..."

However, true enlightment and self-respect does not come until you care too much about yourself to accept anything less than what you deserve! That is where a real breakthrough comes: not just in personal thought and action, but the WAS sitting up and taking notice possibly as well.

The biggest difference in "acting" and believing is fear. When you're just faking it, you still act with reserve because of the fear of losing WAS. When you believe you'll be OK no matter what, you act for the best interest of yourself and your family. Doesn't mean you feel no fear, but you're willing to feel the fear and do what's necessary anyway.

God bless us all during the struggle to get to that point!

[SunnyD]

Can I ask you how did you come to the inner peace in yourself? What helped you come to realize?

Thanks from a real newbie who has not read or got the book yet..

A lot of things lead to this inner peace and I'm sure it's different for everyone. For me:

- Reading DR as well as other books that support gaining self-respect and taking the high road to get through this.

- Regular prayer, bible reading, journaling, and support from this forum as well as a good friend that supports marriage and helps me think things through.

- I sought help through a family therapist (FT) for 7-8 weeks.

- Truly getting outside my problems and GAL! I started school 4 days a week, began daily exercise, eating right, finding things to do with the kids whether H wanted to come along or not. I'm contemplating going back to work - either part time or full-time, depending on sitch. I'm doing projects around the house that normally I would've asked H to do. I'm even going to Home Depot to take some classes! I started with all the things I truly felt I need to change - that H had valid points on: keeping the house better, cooking more, better attitude and mood with children. I went for medical checkups and sought help for depression issues.

- Not talking to H about relationship unless he brings it up. Even then, I go into self-preservation mode, not allowing myself to become emotional or upset. I stand strong. I am civil, but I do not pursue. I do not let his moods/actions rule mine. I do not argue with him. I say as little as possible and what I do say, is brief, to the point, reasonable, and unapologetic.

- Mental stimulation: If I start feeling sad, I allow myself a short time to feel sad and grieve, but I set a timer and that's it. After that, I pick up a book or run an errand, or do something that requires my mind to be active and thinking of something other than my marital issues.

- Help other people. Nothing makes you feel better like helping someone who is worse off than you, in whatever way.

These are just some thoughts - certainly not a "program for success" but these things have helped me tremendously.

[lovehurts2]

This is a great post!
baby steps...

[pinhead]

SunnyD, your post is really inspirational. I find that I need to avoid alone time, or I tend to dwell too much on what's happening. I also agree about the faking it part. Spouses can usually see right through it, and when I really gave up is when my behaviour changed. My W notices this too, though she doesn't know what to do with it since it's a real 180. Normally I would be pursuing her like crazy, and I think a part of her wants me to.

BUT!

I can't. I can't go back to being a boy who is too shy at the dance to ask out the girl. This relationship needs to run its course, including separation, and if need be, D. I hope not, but my hope is different than my actions. I have to prepare to be alone, and really just a coparent with my wife.

Knowing this gives me a lot more comfort than when I was microanalyzing every word and action my wife did.

Exercise has been a boon too. Makes you feel much better to see real progress in one area of your life. Church has been essential for me too, though I get very emotional at services. In some ways I hope that doesn't change.

[SunnyD]

You're right about the alone time. It's so natural to isolate but so unhealty, PH!

I'm emotional during services too - can totally relate.

And man, don't you feel better not constantly trying to determine what WS is thinking and feeling?!!!!! That'll bring you down in a hurry!

[RoughTime]

The biggest difference in "acting" and believing is fear. When you're just faking it, you still act with reserve because of the fear of losing WAS. When you believe you'll be OK no matter what, you act for the best interest of yourself and your family. Doesn't mean you feel no fear, but you're willing to feel the fear and do what's necessary anyway.

Thank you. I really needed to remember this today!