Honey, I know that you want to understand why your h treated you the way he did and I can understand why you do.
I dont know him so I can only guess. I think, as Eric said, your h has very little self-esteem. And he needed to have total control.
I know that is important for you to understand why. But, to me, it is even more important for you to learn why you felt you had to put up with it.
Once you begin to understand that, the true healing can begin,
You have been and will be going through the stages of grief - denial, guilt, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.
All of the steps are necessary for you to go through in order to come out the other side. Don't fight them.
Just try to remember that your h is broken. You can't fix him. You can only fix you.
Your h doesnt hate you - he hates himself. He needs to use his anger to justify his actions. Of course he doesnt realize what he's done - he wouldnt be able to live with it.
I want to see you take the focus off of him. I want to see you put it on you. What will make you whole again? What can you do to get back to who you were?
Time to dig deep, sweetie. I wish there was a short cut through it all, but there's not. And I wouldnt want you to miss a step of this journey. Every piece of it allows you to learn about yourself. Everytime you accept yourself, everytime you get a little stronger - you grow.
Let your h blow in the wind right now. I dont care about him. I care about you becoming the person you were meant to be. I want so much for you to find peace within yourself.
