A new day ... or something equally cliche ....

[PEI]

I also believe that it is a process to get to this understanding and is what I believe is part of healing and growth.

So yes one may need boundaries until this happens. BUT

When it happens maybe you don't need them anymore???

I'm gonna have to say I disagree with you here Grit. I think boundaries are a healthy part of any healthy relationship and learning to properly execute them is part of the journey. I would hazard a guess that most of us who found ourselves here were not good with boundaries ... with our spouses, familes, extended families, friends etc. I know I wasn't. IMO, a lack of boundaries shows a lack of self respect, or at least it did for me.

Someone hurt me do I

1) Run away and call it healhy
2) Stay and face my fears

So very black and white today Grit .... there really is a third option IMO, to stick with the format from earlier let's call it 1.5) lovingly detach, have compassion and set a boundary. Boundaries ... compassion ... loving detachment ... none of these are mutually exclusive. Stay and face my fears? How does letting someone continue to behave disrespectfully towards you help you face your fears?

I agree with you in that this process needs to begin with Standing for your marriage in order to discover the strength and courage inside oneself that is necessary for growth and healing. Some marriages will be saved along the path, some will not, but the ultimate goal is truly saving oneself and I think we all agree on that. We just have slightly different beliefs about what may help us get there.

It is healthy to recognize that you cannot control others.

What others choose to do they do to themselves.

Ultimately, what they choose to do can have very real consequences for someone else. Physical, financial, etc. Emotionally we can and should detach, and that detachment will protect us, but I maintain that sometimes we need to set healthy boundaries and not accept/tolerate certain behaviours.

FTR, I believe that boundaries should only be set when you are ready, willing and able to enforce and accept the consequences
of setting said boundary. And yes, especially when dealing with MLCers, they need to be set without an expectation of producing a certain result. I agree that boundaries and MLC is tricky ground.

I also believe that there is a difference between WAS and MLC. Ultimately I believe that the advice given over here, to work on oneself and grow and learn and heal, is the the right advice for anyone at any time.

You can only control how you react to them.

Once you learn that then you are on your way to being healthy and free

... and guess what?

You don't have to walk around scared about the next time someone "harms" you and you have to

Run away...

Again.

Absolutely. Setting boundaries is in fact a choice one makes about how to react to someone.

If I know that "letting" someone behave in a certain manner towards me makes me "feel hurt, etc" then I can CHOOSE to no longer tolerate that behaviour. This, IMO, is not an attempt to control someone else but actually taking control of ones own emotional health and taking responsibility. I have set a boundary. I have not run away, I am no longer scared. I controlled myself and what I would and would not allow.

Crap, I'm tired ... I'm all over the f'in map ... I'm going to post and then revisit tomorrow ...

Peace
PEI