you are not at all full of crap...what you say is absolutley true...thing is h put another twist into it all by having his a and leaving. Sure he had some realization and came home (what was his realization? well he always put the children and I first and therefore realized he must love me and therefore couldn't be with another) so now I am not only dealing with the "typical" flowing of the tides I am dealing with the fact that perhaps h in some way feels he belongs in another ocean. I've sat on the beach waiting for the waves to crash in and let them skim over my feet and on occassion the tide would cover me...h had decided he didn't want it to be me as the sand but rather another.
I know I don't always make sense and I know I'm not alone in how I feel about thing..but it seems most often that I have more in common with the waw then I do with the lbs? so go figure.
I do love my h, though I no longer know what kind of love it is...would I be devistated as a w should if something were to happen to him? did I have that same question in my mind before all this? maybe part of me was already headed that way while other parts of me fought it off...now the fight has somewhat been taken out of me.
I believe I love my h and on some level I believe he loves me...does he now love me "as a man should love a woman"? again I don't know. Perhaps through all of this he has gained more love for me.
these were my fears...
when I married h I knew he was basically a workaholic...I had thought before even having kids that he will eventually "wake up" and want a "life" but by then I will be absorbed in the kids lives so he may seek antoher...
because I never really did loose myself completely into my kids worlds, I tried to convince myself that h was just a workaholic and that he was doing it for our benifit. I would defend him when people (his brother and future sil) would get down on him, but I was being duped...h did want more out of life than work and football just not with me.
So now he's back and I find myself often wondering if he's still missing something? does he still want more or are we enough?
so damn confusing.
my current fear...
that though it seems things are good (or actually it seems as if I'm doing a better job of defending him not only to others but also to myself) they aren't all that different than they were before. Each time I sit and think...hey this is great he's helping me...I recall him doing the same back then...does it discount his effort? no I just tell myself to stop it. but for how long can I tell myself to stop it? will I always be telling myself to hush and be happy? what if in telling myself this is good, he is good, he is a hard worker and laid back guy...I am lying to myself? after all I must have been lying to myself before right?
or what if h has learned but still just doesn't HAVE the time or ability (he did make the time for ow though?) and eventually I just don't want to lie anymore. Am I even lying to myself at all? or maybe I just wont care anymore when he finally does have the time (I already feel it happening...I'm not so interested to go out with him or away with him...but usually do end up enjoying myself most of the time so I keep going) and will just continue to go and do my own thing and live my own life...
sad but I contiuosly see h traveling toward the r his mom and dad have...heck they don't actually live together but are not sep or d'd or even heading that way...she is always off doing her own thing and he is alone watching tv..calling here and there to find out where she is. sad and not the life I want and when I have asked h, it is not the life that he wants but I do feel us headed that way.
honestly for all I know he could be out to lunch with ow right now? I never knew then so how would I know now?
