I agree 100% with Gatsby. Last night at the custody class, we each had to share something positive about the other spouse. There were about 9 men and it was terrific to hear how they talked about their kids' mothers:
+attentive to needs +excellent caregiver +involved +knows children's likes and dislikes +organized +loving and affectionate +patient
Since people stop or don't tell us (as mothers) that we are doing a good job, it made me feel good to hear these compliments to other mothers!
My point? These men actually lit up with pride,I swear, when they were describing their ex wives' mothering skills! So being the best mom you can be is good for your daughter, good for you and good for your H's admiration for you.
Since your H only has eyes for OW, might as well try to look attractive for yourself, try to become more interesting for yourself, but not expect it to draw his attention!
And I think it wouldn't hurt to practice good communication skills...where were you weak before with your H? I am really trying to be better at not interrupting, paraphrasing/repeating back to make sure I understood right instead of "assuming," and allowing stbxh more time to respond. I do this with him still, with my friends, and with the men I am getting to know! BUt habits are tough to break!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks guys, i did my best today to be a better communicator, but the fact is I am talking to a brick wall.. I mean, literally, he is silent and doesn't answer ANY of my questions, even to do with parenting. I ask him why he is moving 1.5hrs away when he could stay in our apartment so he could see more of bub - no response. I ask him what sort of involvement he would like with baby while he is here so I know where to pitch my 'expectations' and to know when to ask him along to thing (such as appointments) or not - no response. I ask him what sort of father he wants to be from 17.000kms - he did repond to this one...he wants me to email updates and send photos etc. I mean, he is just not normal. I was nice and asked him about his job prospects, sympathised about how hard it would to be unemployed for this long. He cried at one point and said "I am so sorry, I am so sorry". Also talked about being really unhappy and just wanting to go back to Europe. Then he really got up my goat when he said "Well how would you find it if I brought OW to live here?" and I wanted to say I would skin her alive (sorry, not elegant) but i managed to say something like "well do what you like but without her speaking english, no prospects for work, nor a working visa that seems a bit stupid no?". He still doesn't accept that OW has ANYTHING to do with our marriage breakdown. What kind of loser is her? Then I raved about how he could dare expect me to accept someone who thought it was a good idea to have an affair with a married man expecting a child....blah blah..doh!
Anyway, there I go again!
You know, if only he'd TALK BACK I woulnd't monologue. It's just not in my nature to sit there in silence.
1. Questions, no answers 2. "Nice" convo 3. His tears 4. OW prospect 5. Rave
Going to be honest and give advice: if I were you I'd ask WH NOTHING. If there's anything else you can have in the room to distract-- a movie, TV show, music, other people, changing the baby's diaper and playing with her-- I would really focus on that stuff. There's not much you really have to communicate on right now, in my opinion.
Go to doctor's visits, etc etc without WH. If he's interested in going, he will ask you.
I am glad that you heard about how he wants to get emails and pictures. I wouldn't send them that often, though, if I were you. Maybe once a month. It's better if he asks instead of if he doesn't respond to what you send.
Ok, advice over.
I hope bub is almost done wearing that harness!! I've heard that infant crying peaks between 5-8 weeks. Have you noticed that? If so, yours should be getting out of it!
Totally agree with Gatsby. IT IS LIKE TALKING TO A WALL...don't bother asking WH any more questions from now on. He truly sounds mixed up Piano!
How is the brace thingy going with your bub? When will they check the hips next?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
my opinion is to show parenthood as a joy and don't expect anything from him. You're probably already doing this.You could try to liven things up, but that would really not help with your detachment. I say do whatever you can to detach and then focus on bub!
I agree with Gatsby...
Basically, just be yourself, be genuinely happy and the glow will exhude from you and if nothing else you will feel better about yourself... (hopefully H will notice and taste the sweetness).
I wish you continued stregnth... i would imagine its hard to see him go, and make such a move. But put yourself first! Take care of yourself. Do things out of the goodness of your heart, no spite work, and if you have something to say before he goes, just tell him.
Sorry, dont know if my opinion makes sense...
I really want to say, Club him upside the head and drag him into your home and never let him go...
I am wondering if I should be heading back to the Infidelity forum... I am thunderstruck by my WH's comittment to the other woman and his lack of interest in any 'up close and personal" contact with me and the baby for 7 months now. He's not even spent a night with her to know what he is missing out on.
I am even wondering if I need to send a new Protection Phase letter. I know that's something you do early on in a sitch, but it's like I've only got to the point now where I could really detach for the first time.
Is it too late to make any moves, I guess is what I am asking tonight?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Yes, I think you should go over to Infidelity, Piano - Allen and Puppy and Sandi should be able to help you.
As for your WH, the "high" of the affair lasts for approx 18 months before it peters out. With your husband, I don't know - I think it's more about running away from fatherhood than being attracted to OW. I could be wrong, though...
Thanks Red, Not even sure this morning that I shouldn't move straight to Surviving the Big D. In a lot of pain this morning after a phone call with WH. He sent me an email insisting on seeing the baby, without me being present. I rang him to explain to him that his behaviour has been so harmful to me that it's very hard for me to get on with my life as a single & first time mother, that his visits upset me sometimes (there is no visitation plan - he didn't want one), and that I would like him to leave the country sooner rather than later so that I can heal (all he is doing here is packing up his stuff). I reminded him that he did not want to do seperation counseling with me and that we would be in a better place now had we done that. He tells me that leaving me pregnant was the right and honest thing to do and he was schoked that I was still "stuck" as I was in January (bomb) and that I was "unable to move on".
Words cannot explain how violated I feel. Not only did he leave me under the most terrible circumstances, it's my fault that aren't in a better place!
Unlike you Newmama, Gatsby and Babydoll, my WH has been a drop in drop out father, never once spending more than a few hours with us during the pregnancy or post birth... because he was 'teaching me to live life without him'.
I would like to add that I no longer wish to save my M. I want to save my future relationship with him as some sort of Father, so he can see his baby once a year peacefully.
And above all, I want to save ME from the grief/disbelief at how I am being treated after 15 years of a loving marriage that is gripping my heart.
