Hi I’m new here and have been reading the threads for awhile. I’ve never done anything like this so; please excuse any mistake I may make. I’m also very technologically challenged.
I really need some advice and guidance from someone who has been cheated on and lied to so many times and is now working on saving the marriage with the cooperation of the spouse, preferably from the wife’s point of view but I’ll take any help.
I’ll try to keep it short: My H is in a supervisor position in state law enforcement. He is currently on a promotion list for a higher rank. This is his second time on the list as on the last one nothing close to home came up. He also didn’t score as high on the list as he had hoped. He has been at his current location for about 5 years. It is about an hour and 15 min. drive both ways. He chose this location because he could have the days off, (Fri., Sat., and Sun.)And hours he wanted, (day’s aprx. 5:45am to 3:30am.)
In mid February my H (47turning 48 in about a month) started taking a co-worker (She is,27 just about 2 years older than his daughter!) out to lunches/breakfasts and casual talking, with occasional text messages. In mid March he went to training in a city a little farther north of his field office. He went out with some of his classmates, when she showed up and that is when the physical affair occurred. (He led me to believe at first the affair was not physical, lie number 1.) A one night stand he swears. After that they began to talk more and the texts became more frequent. Then the texts began to get nasty, and he says while he felt uncomfortable at first he went along with it. Then the texts turned into discussing sex acts and he found himself enjoying it. He said it was addicting and couldn’t stop. He said as they progressed they became; he guesses what you would call fantasies. They wrote some love letters based on these fantasies, (He says he never loved her, but I think I remember him telling me he told her he loved her in the letters based on the fantasies.) This went on until sometime in May and says he tried to justifie it was okay since the physical part was not there, even though he knew it was wrong. During this time he said he got so wound up and confused in his emotional thoughts that seemed exciting, that he thought about leaving me. It was around this time that he thinks he started to treat me bad, for which he has apologized profusely. He says I’ve never been anything but good to him and did not deserve that. (During this time I didn’t know what was wrong with him; he was cold and distant and hardly touched me. I suspected an affair or that he didn’t love me anymore. I never confronted him on the affair; I just didn’t think he would ever do something like that.) It was also during this time he bought her a friendship ring. Worth about $200 with sapphires, (our birthstones!) He said one day he and some coworkers called in sick and went to the coast and she was with him. They went to the mall and to a movie in a near by city over a period of 2 months. Also around this time he told me a coworker needed to borrow $500 for a rent deposit till they got paid on the first of the month. I felt this was very odd as he has lent money before very reluctantly, to a very good friend and said he would never do it again. He also said he might go and help him move one weekend. Again I felt uncomfortable about this so I told our 18 year old son he should go and help him. He then started to changed his mind and as far as I know never went. When it came time to repay the loan he went and met him halfway. Well you can guess it was the OW but I didn’t find this out till later, (Another lie or half truth.) Around the middle of May he says something hit him like a ton of bricks, “What the hell was I doing, I don’t love this woman?” He started to cut things off and says he can not tell me why he didn’t stop immediately, other than she said to him more than once something like “I will not let go” and “What if you get caught or your wife finds out?” He got scared and did not want to get caught, and did not want to lose me. He agreed to stay friends, (He later told me he was afraid she would try to contact me so, he stayed friends so as not to upset her.), and stopped the sex talk, for the most part. The eating out slowed down but still continued on occasion. Things started getting bad at work while all this was going on and he became a total mess. It was around this time I talked to him while he was on his way to work, about what was wrong. He told me it was work and he didn’t know what was wrong with him and he couldn’t talk about it right now. He wanted so bad to reach out to me but didn’t know how and did not want to ruin our son’s graduation. Days after the graduation,(June 16th), he finally talked to me. He says in essence he was trying to reach out to me, but it came out all wrong. (He told me he loved me and that I was his best friend but that the passion, the spark was gone and he didn’t know where or if it would come back. I was devastated! I’m 49 turning 50 in about two months and have been a stay at home mom since before our son was born.) I asked what does this mean does he want a divorce? He said he hadn’t thought that far and needed time to think. He says he never said he wanted a divorce but that is not what I remember. In fact he made me feel he was thinking about it. We did have a Sex Starved Marriage. I asked if there was anybody else he said no. (Another lie.) I asked if he was having an affair he said no that he made me a promise and wouldn’t do that to me. (Obviously another lie). He was very adamant about it. He left me feeling he was considering ending our marriage and made me feel it was my entire fault. I did a complete 180 and started to be more loving and initiate sex more often. I opened my heart and soul to him and things started to change. After this conversation is when I found the SSM book and read it as fast as I could and totally saw our situation.
After out talk he says the meeting and eating out became even less, though it did occur, and he thought he was close to making things go away. At the beginning of July he took part of a day off and went to a motel room to try to figure things out as he felt like he was drowning. He felt like things would work out and would just go away ant that we were getting back to our normal relationship. Then I hit him with all the questions, (July 15th), and he was not immediately honest with me and kept adding little bits and pieces. I didn’t immediately ask many questions on June 16th as it seemed to upset him but I felt I needed to know just what I was up against and find out where I stood. And I felt it was preventing me from healing and moving on. I kept telling him to be honest and tell me everything. After our talk that night, (July 15th) things just weren’t adding up to me so, while we were cuddling in bed, (July 16th) trying to reconnect, I asked more detailed questions. I told him I looked in his wallet, (I know that’s wrong.) and saw a receipt for a restaurant a couple of days earlier when he was at work and the total was $33. (I had asked him what he had for dinner that night and he told me and I asked if he ate alone and he had said yes, another lie.) He started to get upset and then finally admitted he had eaten with her and then everything else spilled out. The affair and a few other little lies. Finally, he was able to shut her out completely. He says he is so sorry! He hurts inside because he hurt me so much and for what? He says I never deserved any of it. He says he loves me so much and knows we can rebuild our relationship that he will do whatever it takes. He can’t imagine his life without me in it; and doesn’t know what he would do!
So, you say what’s the problem; you got your H back and he wants to save the marriage? The problem is I’m in so much pain. I don’t know if I can ever get over it. The lies, deceit, the affair. Do I still love him and want to save the marriage, yes. But how long does the hurt last, I can’t get the image of them out of my mind. And now that I had started approaching him for intimacy it has awakened something in me. I want to be with him sexual but can’t bring myself to do it. He hasn’t tried; I know he’s waiting for me, in fact I told him I want to but can’t bring myself to because of all that has happened. He says he is happy just to hold me again and that if that’s all I want to do from now on it’s ok with him. I told him that’s what started all this mess in the first place! We’ve already seen a counselor, (July 20th) he wanted to start right away. How do I get over this! I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, that there is still more he's not telling me even though he says he's now told me everything. I know MWD says you need to forgive but, that doesn't mean you forget, that that will happen in time. But how do you forget, or try to move on because how can you really forget? Please if anybody has advice I would greatly appreciate it! It’s been about a week since everything came out. I’ve had some good days and am trying to put on a happy face but it’s so hard. I’m afraid he’s going to lose patience even thought he says it will never happen again and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
