In many ways, I look at you and see my W 10 years ago. I look at your H and see me. Seems like KAW sees it too:
Quote: At first we seem as were paying attention to our interests we were in sync and so we seemed to bond very closely. Then our interests began to shift and we no longer saw eye to eye as much and even our actions in M became out of whack. When she wanted to put effort on "fixing" on M, I didn't think there was anything needed fixing. (Sound familiar?) I tried to give her some concessions on what she wanted, but because I didn't see them as important, I really didn't put my heart into it and eventually she just gave up. Then the tide shifted again and as she developed other interest, then I began to want to put attention into "us". Short version, LL ... years later we're still out of sync.
Ten years ago, I thought that my life was as balanced as it could be, considering the circumstances. I worked hard. I didn’t spend much time doing things for myself, but I did what I thought I had time and energy for. We didn’t have much money and no family nearby, so we did very little as a couple and only marginally more as a family. My W worked hard too. I don’t have to tell you that being a stay-at-home mom is hard work. I don’t have to tell you how much it takes over your life.
So there we were. Two people struggling against the flow. Trying to keep our individuality, trying to keep our love alive, and trying to build the best possible world for our children.
All the while, I thought we were doing a good job of keeping all of this in balance. I thought that our love for each other would see us through anything. My W thought so too. Neither of us could imagine how wrong this would turn out to be.
Love isn’t enough, LL. My W was the first to see it. I was still living in a world where I could endure any hardship out in the world, and come home to the loving arms of my wife. I had no inkling that the love I had come to depend on was withering away.
I think your H loves you and you love him. Your H feels secure enough that he doesn’t (can’t?) see what’s happening. Despite what seems blatantly obvious to you, he doesn’t see how your love for him is dying. He sees glimpses of it, and he sees glimpses of what he’s missing out on with respect to his children. But “the world” (work, stress, whatever…) obscures what’s happening. From his perspective, he has to slog on, and so do you. As KAW put it, he makes concessions, but his heart isn’t into it.
My father used to tell me I was a workaholic. I didn’t buy it. I was the sole breadwinner for a family of six, in a world of dual income families. I didn’t have much energy for anything else. Or did I? Now that my wife no longer loves me, I’m doing more to help her than I ever did. My workload is worse than ever, and I’m as tired as ever. I don’t even have the motivation of love to do it. So, looking back on it, I had set the bar too low for myself ten years ago, and out of misguided respect for my wife, I had set the bar too high for her.
Had KAW and I known then what we know now, we’d both still be in that magical world that we thought we were in. If I were posting to your H, I would urge him to set the bar a little higher. I would urge him to push himself beyond the limits he imposes on himself, because he is capable of much more than he thinks.
But even if I could speak directly to him, he probably wouldn’t hear it. My words would sound as false as those of my father.
I don’t like to post philosophical babble without offering some sort if idea on how to use it. Though I agree with KAW’s analysis of phases and such, we could both be wrong and even if we’re correct, there’s no way of telling how long this “phase” will last. Some phases last forever, so I really don’t have anything concrete to suggest to you.
