I'm just curious; is your son's opinion about what you should do based entirely on his mother's infidelity, or does he have any pre-affair marital opinions?
He is a very black and white person when you are talking about anyone other than him. His opinion is that there are some things that just are not acceptable in marriage, and her actions meet that test in his mind. He was just as shocked as I when he was told and has never said anything to make me believe his views are based on anything other than the current situation.
Had a rough night sleepwise, but not for the typical reasons. Struggled getting to sleep and then woke up every half hour. Ended up getting between 3 and 4 hours. However, my mind was not filled with thoughts of her or our R. Instead I was thinking about how to handle issues like dating and sex as I move on. I know I am not ready for either of those right now, but the idea is intriguing enough to hold my thoughts.
Off to a friend's son's baseball game about an hour motorcycle ride away before hanging out at home with the dogs for the afternoon. No bicycle ride today as I try to do 2 on, 1 off for my body. Who knows, maybe I end up back at the swimming pool again tonight.
In the interest of full disclosure, the friend I have been talking with is a woman from my previous workplace whose husband left her for OW about 8 months ago. She is about 6 months ahead of me in this process and has provided some tremendous insight.
Have a great day everyone.
Last edited by lookin4support; 07/24/1012:31 PM.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Instead I was thinking about how to handle issues like dating and sex as I move on.
Cart meet horse, and let horse lead from now on.
Dude, you aren't divorced, and you are already wondering about having sex with OW, and it is keeping you up at night. Ahem.
Honestly, I am not even close to a place emotionally where I would do that to myself or anyone else. Plus, sex to me comes after the establishment of a long-term R. I guess my point is that I am beginning to think about the future without her and it doesn't seem so bad. Frankly, I have absolutely zero sex drive at this point. Things that would have caught my eye 3 months when I was happily married don't even interest me in the least right now. And, there are a number of variables in play with the woman I have been getting help from that would be nearly insurmountable barriers to establishing anything more than a friendship in the future.
The answer does not lie in someone else. The answer is getting a life and becoming someone that others are interested in spending time with and potentially developing a R with. That is going to take a long time, but it doesn't hurt to at least peer into the future and have a plan as I move toward it. Does it?
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Finally back home after leaving yesterday morning for a baseball game an hour away. I was only a half an hour from my parents' home, so I made arrangements to meet them for lunch. However, my mom called me about an hour before they were supposed to be there to tell me she was taking my dad to the hospital because he wasn't feeling well. Dad, like a lot of men, hates to go to the doctor. So, I knew if he was willing it must be bad. The motorcycle ride to the hospital was filled with anxiety and fear, as I really didn't know the extent of the problems. Ended up being a false alarm, but since they kept him overnight I stayed with my mom.
I know I am looking at things from a selfish perspective right now, but my argument with God as I rode to the hospital wasn't pretty. My main question was, "How much more can I take?" If it had ended up being worse, I think I would have had the answer to that question. I know he promises us he will never give us more than we can handle, but right now he is pushing it. Pushing it real hard.
I woke up this morning very melancholy and weepy and was really struggling to get started in my day. I pray in the shower a lot and this morning while I was praying a thought came to my mind that instantly calmed me and brightened my day. God's response to my prayer was "You may be by yourself, but you are never alone."
Rest of the day went like this so far. Dad got released from the hospital with no concerns for his health, I made it to church on time, and I got to have lunch with my son and a friend of his. Now I am going to try to catch up on what I intended to do yesterday before hitting the road on my bicycle to get some exercise.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Puppy, I am going to try something different for me. I am going to ask your advice before I do something instead of telling you about it and hearing your opinion on what I did.
I am changing the rules on her and am not sure how, or if, I should let her know. I have told her up until now that I was going to wait as long as it took, and that she was always welcome to come home if she wanted or needed to. The last two weeks of very limited contact has enlightened me and caused my views to change.
First, I am going to begin with the process of filing, figuring it will end up taking 4-6 weeks before that happens and another similar period before we get before a judge. Also, I have decided that our (my) home is no longer an option for her, even if she leaves the OM. She will need to be in an apartment while we figure out if we can solve the problems that led to her leaving in the first place. This is a drastic change and my inclination is to let her know that the rules are different. However, none of this probably matters in her mind because she is where she wants to be and isn't coming back anyway.
So, do I tell her, or just wait for the off chance that it occurs and address it then? Also, do I let her know in advance to expect info from my attorney, or do I let her be surprised by it? All indications are that the division of assets is going to be painless and she will probably not even use an attorney. She does trust me in this area and I will not betray that trust. Regardless of what she has done, my integrity will remain intact throughout this process.
Interested in your thoughts and those of anyone else who would like to chime in.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Well, I would never advise ANYONE tip their hand legally, but there's nothing wrong with a courtesy "heads up" if she's about to get served, for instance. So on the legal front, I think you tell her AFTER it's too late for her to respond legally, but before she is served by a deputy or other officer, if you want to give her that courtesy.
As for the "conditions" whereby she can move back into the house, I don't think you can really tell her that unless she's ASKING to come back to the house ... do you?
I think you have to wait for the "I have decided that" speech, for it to come up IN CONTEXT. We've discussed this at length on some other threads, including Gucci's "Setting Them Free" one, and the point was made that you can't really PRONOUNCE that "I'm letting you go," out of the blue, because the very pronouncement itself seems to be that you're not, kwim??
Think of Chevy Chase, in that scene from Caddyshack:
Ty: "You're not being the ball, Danny."
Danny: "Well, it's difficult to do, with you talking all the time!"
Ty: "Ok, I'm not talking now . . . I'm not talking. Just be the ball, Danny . . ."
So . . . I am meeting with attorney this week and giving him the details that we have agreed upon concerning finances, assets, and personal items. She is agreeable to me having an attorney and she is going to represent herself. The attorney is a long-time friend of mine that she respects and, as I said before, she trusts me, so we are going to work through it together. She understands that he can only explain things to her, not counsel her, and is fine with that.
We are both professionals. I have an MBA and she has a Master's in Management and works as Vice-President of an organization, and we both have the ability to set aside emotions when dealing with legal issues. I just see no point beating my head against a wall any longer. All it does is make your head sore.
Puppy Dog Tails used the term hell-bent and he is dead on. She said tonight she would like to come out of this as friends, then asked if my goal was to make her pay. I told her my goal was a fair settlement, which I thought we had worked out, and that I didn't see us being friends. Civil, yes, because we do still share a son, but not friends.
I appreciate the help and will continue to update as necessary. Looks like I am going to be moving to the next stage quicker than most. Damn, I must be gifted.
I did get out on my bike tonight. Ended up riding just over 29 miles in 2 hours and 5 minutes. According to my mileage log program I burned over 1900 calories on the ride. Gotta love that. My butt is kind of sore because all of my biking shorts were in the laundry so I wore plain old athletic shorts.
Goodnight all!
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Kind of surprised there were no comments, but I will take that to mean it appears to be acceptable. Another busy day today. Spent the morning and early afternoon cleaning out file cabinets at my new school, then headed off to the golf course where I walked nine holes. Haven't played without using a cart in about 4 years, but it is a lot cheaper and better for my health. Headed to the store and got home in time to watch Matt Garza throw a no-hitter for the Rays tonight.
Staying busy really makes things a lot easier, and I feel like I am getting a lot accomplished.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
