I am posted in Newcomers, but I have been reading a lot in Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs and I TRULY respect your insight. There is little I can do right now because my H is deployed overseas.
He had and I believe still having an affair. He left in january after saying he was unhappy and didn't believe he can ever be happy with me in the future. He is still paying the mortgage in the house where I am staying. The oW is a woman who worked for hin before he was deployed.
He told her before he told me that he was unhappy and then decided to leave. We went to 3 MC visits together in October 2009. But he was still seeing the OW. Not sure what is happening now with her now that he is overseas. I have not spoken to anyone (including my family in over a week and a half). He sent me an email to my work address earlier this week and I did not respond. I have not charged my cell phone in over a week. I do not want to be available to anyone at this point. I am feeling so alone....although today, I tried to enjoy myself..working out, shopping and now just trying to relax.
I WANT my M to survive and be RENEWED. I made a lot of mistakes, but my H has never admitted fault except only once that he felt guilty. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. While I had my share of issues, I was never selfish towards my H...I always gave him my last of EVERYTHING.
What do I do to change the direction my H wants to go? That direction is Divorce (although, since I have not spoken to him, I have not heard him speak about this for a while now).
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
ok... several questions, most about OW. You really didn't say anything about her at all...
OW. Where does she live? Who does she work for NOW? Is she in the military? How old is she? Do you have her home address, phone? Do you have any contact information on her parents? Contact info on her current employer?
What evidence do you have that an affair has taken place between her and your H?
I can help you with this, as I have some experience with it. JAG officers are ALWAYS happy to smack down unfaithful military members because it REALLY hurts the military's image.
Should you want to go down that route, it is TOUGH LOVE, and your husband can get in SERIOUS trouble.
But if you are willing to do what it takes, Allen and I can help you.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Where does she live? - She lives in the same area as we do, only about 20 miles away Who does she work for NOW? - She still works for the same agency as my H did before he deployed Is she in the military? - She is NOT in the military. How old is she? - She is 40 yrs old Do you have her home address, phone? - I did a background check on her twice, I have her home address, and cell phone number. I also know that she has had several arrests and civil suits against her. She also has a 17 year old son, who was released after a 2-year stint in juvenile detention. Do you have any contact information on her parents? - yes, the background check gave my her parents names Contact info on her current employer? - yes, she still works where my H used to before he deployed.
What evidence do you have that an affair has taken place between her and your H? - I came home early from a business trip and found my H missing. The next morning, he was dropped off by her. I came out of the house and slapped him as he was saying goodbye to her.
I assume your H is in the military? - Yes, he is a captain in the navy.
Who knows about the affair at the moment? - I think his best friend, but he will not admit it because his wife would hurt him...
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I can help you with this, as I have some experience with it. JAG officers are ALWAYS happy to smack down unfaithful military members because it REALLY hurts the military's image.
I have THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SEVERAL TIMES OVER. I am just scared to hurt his military career. It is the one thing he TRULY respects and LOVES. In addition, my H also has an issue with Porn. Last year, when I found out about this and confronted him, he lied and told me he did NOT do this because that is not the kind of person he is - well, I know that wasn't true because not one else lives with us, we don't have children and I didn't do it. Apparently, he has been viewing porn for quite some time. I think he is ashamed of his behavior and for me to know, he cannot handle it.
When I found out about the affair, I threatened to expose him to his family, his boss, and I told him he would be fired. He said he left because I was an evil person who wanted to hurt him and someone else (the OW). WTF?? I could not believe this - he villified me??????
What do I do? I love this man....still.
Last edited by ShellDoll; 07/25/1011:46 PM.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
I assume your H is in the military? - Yes, he is a captain in the navy.
So he is an O-6 (Captain) in the MILITARY? The Navy?
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I am just scared to hurt his military career. It is the one thing he TRULY respects and LOVES. What do I do?
Careers are JUST THAT. Careers. Maybe he should have REREAD the UCMJ BEFORE he was with this other woman. He likely has 500-1000 subordinates under him, and they are supposed to LOOK TO HIM as an EXAMPLE.
HE HAS FAILED MISERABLY.
If you expose, they will likely let him retire honorably if he does so WILLINGLY. Then he can get a great job in the civilian sector and be home more. They might also slap him on the wrist, but he will NEVER FORGET what he did wrong.
If he wants to play hardball, then YOU have to be ready to play too. Contact the JAG office on the base, and let them know a CAPTAIN is having an affair. That will get their attention.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Yes, he is O-6 Navy captain in the Reserves who was called to active duty for 420 days beginning April 30 to Afghanistan (initially Iraq, now Afghanistan). He has hundreds of officers, sailors under his command.
I have always supported his career and I know how much he RESPECTS the military. His father served in WW2. We have his beineget (sp??) from WW2 and other items from his father.
I want to expose, but not sure how to pull it off successfully and with little impact to me. He is still paying the mortgage for our marital home. Initially, when I threatened to expose him, he said he would put me out. Then he realized that there would be no one here to take care of the house when he is deployed and "let" me stay.
I have a L, but I am not happy with him. My H tried to get a separation agreement in place before he deployed, but he left me and my L no time to respond because they gave it to me 3 days before he deployed. My H blamed me for not having it in place before he left.
Since he left, he has been trying to be "nice". Or at least that is what he wants me to think. I decided earlier this week not to respond to any of his emails (no matter how nice they were). I haven't even check my personal email since this past Monday. He has tried to skype me once this week, but I signed off (and haven't been signed in since).
I am not sure what he is thinking about, but I did see that he created a FB page and the OW is a friend. He NEVER sent me a friend invite. So I blocked him yesterday if he would ever try to add me. I also tried to block her, but she apparently cannot now be located on FB. What is that about?
I do not like this woman. When I 1st found out about the affair, I called her and would hang up (I know childish), but I think she is now doing the same to me. So I don't even answer my home phone...
Do you think he is communicating with her while he is deployed?
Last edited by ShellDoll; 07/26/1012:07 AM.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
1. Change your phone number asap. 2. Get a new lawyer if you don't like this one 3. Get legal protection for yourself before you take any drastic actions (such as exposure) 4. Ignore all of his phone calls, emails, texts, etc
He's going to be very busy so you have a few months to plan a solid strategy... Right now you are quite vulnerable :
a. You share the home b. You are dependent on him for financials
Don't want to ruin his career? My dear you arne't.. HE is... the navy just doens't know it yet.
At some point you may have to decide between what's best for you or for him... If you expose you may both end up suffering if you are dependent on him for finances.
Right NOW I think you need to get yourself in a less vulnerable position. Either get a good lawyer who will ensure you get regular income each month or find a good job...
If you expose him he is not likley to pay you anything after that and he will be quite vendictive.
The fastest way to beat an affair is to attack it head on with exposure on both ends... OW's not particulary vulnerable given she's got a rather sleazy history to start with...
HE is VERY vulnerable but so you are YOU right now.
If you go after the affair to bust it he will retailiate before teh affair is over.
He is still paying the mortgage for our marital home. Initially, when I threatened to expose him, he said he would put me out.
OK I about died laughing at that. and I AM NOT LAUGHING AT YOU. I am laughing at the big tough Navy Captain that is so terrified of being found out that he will bully his stay at home wife. If I were you, I'd be on the phone with a JAG officer as NICE AND SWEET AND HEARTBROKEN as you could be. Let some tears fly, and ask them for help because you are so devastated and hurt.
Let's just say I grew up around lawyers, and I am a quick study at things like this.
In order for your husband to "put you out" he would need an ex parte order from a judge. Fancy getting one from halfway around the world. I am absolutely AMAZED at people sometimes when their spouse "throws them out".
And just how does that spouse ENFORCE THE THROWING OUT?
Most "thrown out" spouses just accept it and say "Well I have to go, they don't want me there anymore". WROOOOOOONNNG.
I SAY: "Sit RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE and let them scream, say they will call the police, yada yada". Just tell them "I'd like to see you make me leave". Ultimately, it is going to take a court order to get you out. And as sexist as this sounds, a MAN getting an ex parte order against a WOMAN simply is NOT going to happen. The judge will split his liver laughing at the request.
OK so he REFUSES to pay the mortgage? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Captain doesn't realize that it will IMMEDIATELY affect his credit, and put him in what they call the "high risk" category in the US Military.
I am sure he has security clearances in order to be in-theater operational. Those clearances are CONTINGENT upon good financial status, BECAUSE people with bad financial situations and credit are HIGHLY LIKELY to sell secrets to pay off debts.
So he stops paying the mortgage? CALL JAG. LET THEM KNOW. He is now putting National Security at risk because he is 4 times more likely to do something stupid to help with debts.
You have so much more power at your disposal than you realize. It is just going to take some GUTS to use it and put a stop to all this.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Thanks QS... You seem to have a facination for the military.. did you serve at all?
I do agree that exposing is the best route here... He will be livid, but I don't think he can throw you out.
I am interested QS how would the military react to a divorce suit in this case normally?
Does he need the military's permission to file for divorce?
Just don't leave SD sounds like a good plan at the moment... If QS is correct (and I believe he very much is) then exposing him and waiting out the blast to follow is a good route to take.
Find a VERY GOOD family therapist in the time he is away. Do NOT wait for him to agree to go or to go with you. YOU need to be going FIRST to interview them. The first session should be YOU asking most of the questions like a job interview. If you don't they will just steam roll you and do what THEY think is best and YOU may nto agree... you do NOT want that dispute when your H is there. Find a FT YOU LIKE NOW that is on the SAME PAGE as you who knows how to deal with infidelity cases.. do NOT ASK them if they deal with infidelity ask them WHO have they READ on the subject.. INTERVIEW THEM to find out what they KNOW and how they THINK
I am interested QS how would the military react to a divorce suit in this case normally?
His chain of command isn't REALLY going to notice. UNLESS it AFFECTS HIS ABILITY TO COMMAND EFFECTIVELY. Like if he has an emotional breakdown. Or
1) His credit tanks because of being forced to sell a home 2) He displays behavior that calls into question his mental stability 3) When his security clearance is renewed, they ALWAYS look at divorce proceedings
Any of these 3 will result in reexamination of his security clearance. Other than that, his command will say "that sucks man".
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Does he need the military's permission to file for divorce?
No, but in all 50 states you CANNOT initiate divorce proceedings against a deployed military member. Congress has set clear guidelines for Federal and State courts to follow, and military members while deployed are the SOLE JURISDICTION of the military. No State court has the Authority due to the "Supremacy Clause" to issue a writ of divorce against them. You can FILE, BUT THAT IS IT. NOTHING can be done other than that.
Where the military is going to be interested is:
When some NASTY and UNBECOMING CONDUCT of the military member comes out in a divorce proceeding. All divorce records are PUBLIC, and most anyone can view them.
How do you think the military would like if a person was looking at military divorces and found out that like 60% of military member divorces involved infidelity? The military PRIDES itself on its image, EVEN IN DIVORCE.
Anything "Contrary to Good Morale and Discipline" in a divorce proceeding is fair game to initiate Article 32 investigations. Many times, the magistrate will often forward such evidence to the JAG officer themselves.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
