Got home just a little while ago, I bought the kids some necklaces, S wanted a cross like daddy, and I got D a necklace from the Buckle that has a silver chain with a peace sign pendant. I told her she needs this to keep the "peace" she is no angel by any means, a complete terror. I also got S a Ed Hardy backpack he starts kindergarten in a month, and D got a pink Ed Hardy purse for her coloring books.
Of course the W looked at me like I am doing something wrong, I basically blew it off. I wanted to do something nice for my children so i did. She made reference to spending money, again I wanted to tell her its my money piss off, but i didnt
She seems to be in a better mood, guess she took a shower and a nap and collected "herself" from the total mess she created in her head over the last 24 hours. I am going to lay low and move my PC to the bedroom, I made reference to the fact I cant get anything done on the computer until the kids are in bed, and when they are in bed the pc is outside their rooms and they keep getting out of bed. So its a good reason, and it adds a little mystery to what I am doing with "me".
My Mom called me while I was on the road, and she told me she thinks the W brings up every little thing that has ever made her mad as an excuse, she says they are all excuses. Again I just listen to my family, I will do what I want to do, which my Mom encourages as well, she has her opinion but says I am a big boy and can make my own choices.
S did a funny thing earlier, W had her wedding rings on the counter, S took them over to W and put them on her hand and said " you are suppose to wear these" I laughed a bit, W smiled.
forgot to say, and you guys are gonna get pissed, S wanted me to get W a shirt, so I did. W asked why I got her a shirt, so I played it off, we had a 50$ certificate after the necklaces there was not enough funds for me to get something and S wanted to get you a shirt. and said he picked it out. She said thank you. Sad Sad on my part but I did it, its over need to pull wayyyyyyy back now.
[censored] Rob, we were posting at the same time, you are going to rip into me for this one, I finally got to read your long one, be kind......I think i will text a buddy to go hang out or something, get out of the house again. Geez im a stooge... I do so well then get soft.
well if your son bought it, it wasn't from you so let it be, let's make sure you don't get all "melty man" and start buying gifts, it's not a requirement.
So she is now texting me trying to be cordial at times and takes any repsonse as an attack. She then texts me " I am going to take a nap in your bed" test, reaction none. No reply what so ever
I did tell her she dwells too much on the past, holds a grudge all the time and can't just let go(said this last night)
I did forget to mention when I did hold her and kiss her forhead she didn't pull away, rob but she did just start balling like a baby.
I feel the detaching shows her I can move on, but at the same time does it go against wanting to fight for her? (Something she obviously feels I don't do enough of?
When she tests you like this, consider it a game, have fun with it, she tells you she's going to take a nap in your bed, you do one better, tell her "give me 30min and I'll come home and we can cuddle together LOL ;-)"
And if she texted back something like "I don't think so", you would text her back, "yeah I already changed my mind about this too, no worries ;-)" and don't forget to include the winks.
LOL!
Yes that is bordering on being an a$$hole but I figure it's nice to show you don't take everything she does seriously, it's good to show you're emotionally stable, and have a good sense of humor, a lot of other guys would go "melty man" as puppy calls it, going weak in the knees and professing their undying love on bended knee to a woman that is openly rejecting him. Don't be that guy... ever!
Don't be telling her what she does, what she does is her responsibility, don't act as a hallway monitor recording all of her actions, that won't gain you any brownie points.
I get it, she does dwell on the past too much, she does hold a grudge and can't just let go of the past.... guess what, most WAS's are exactly the same way as this. You just discovered North America, Christopher Columbus ;-)
Don't bother telling her these things, it will look too much like you telling her she's wrong, she's in love with her feelings, I told you this, from her point of view, in her perception of reality, she is 100% right even if she's wrong. Go against her feelings and you go against her, you won't to be agreeing with her feelings because then you get on the good side of her feelings, otherwise you will just continue to argue. We went through this already, don't you remember the other day how you avoided all of those arguments, what did it cost you? Nothing, all you did was agree with her and not defend yourself and you saved yourself the stress and wasted energy of arguing with a woman who is currently committed to seeing everything wrong about you. Not a smart move.
If you held her and she didn't push you away, let her ball her head off while you hold her, it shows you're strong, and it shows that she trusts you to some extent to allow herself to be vulnerable with you. Don't read to much into it and just leave it as is, one incident where you were there for her.
The detaching shows you're moving on. There are other things you can do to move on as well but let's take one step at a time here. Showing her that you're fighting for her would be a form of pursuit, and she will push you away and run away from you regardless of what she says. To get her feelings to the point where she is feeling that she wants to be with you, she will pursue you, she will want to be with you.
Read the $hit load of threads on these forums, every guy that pursues his wife has a wife that stays several steps ahead of him, never within arm's reach and all these guys complain that they can't get through to their wife. You let her chase you, how do you accomplish that, you do what's counter-intuitive, you move in the opposite direction of your wife. You are fine with the separation, she doesn't want to be with you, that's fine, you get a life, you start going out, you give her what she wants, freedom from you, she gets a real taste of that including what life will be like without you, more responsibility for her to shoulder, having to schedule work time and taking care of the kids which you have to do as well, finances, let her speak to lawyers, file for divorce, whatever, you're ok with it. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
In my opinion, chasing her/pursuing her and telling her you're there to fight for your marriage is just going to push her away because in her mind she is going to question what's wrong with you, what does he want someone that doesn't want him, that doesn't make sense, she wants to follow the value, you have to become high value, you have to become something that she wants to pursue, you have to make yourself scarce, you have to move on, you have to appear that you've had an awakening and you don't know how you feel anymore and if you want to be married to someone who could be so flakey and would break up their family so easily, you want someone who WANTS to be with you, you won't settle for less.
[censored] Rob, we were posting at the same time, you are going to rip into me for this one, I finally got to read your long one, be kind......I think i will text a buddy to go hang out or something, get out of the house again. Geez im a stooge... I do so well then get soft.
Yes if you remember, I also mentioned this several pages ago, human nature dictates that when we find something that works, we have an urge to find something else that might work and continue failing while looking for other things that might work.
Go back to what works, stop doing what doesn't work.
yes I remeeber, and yes I left the gift alone , didnt tell her I did get something for myself I left it in the car. I will find a reason to leave this evening.... and just go.
W asked me to use a massage thing on her back later, told her its gonna have to be much latEr, she says why? I told her I was going to a group meeting, I'm really just getting out of the house for a while she can deal with the kids and me not being there.
Do it, and I will tell you what will follow, the massage will probably lead to sex, I don't know what I'd do with myself if she wasn't so gosh darned predictable ;-)
Now here is where it will get interesting.... 1. Do you have sex with her 2. Or do you tell her maybe it's not right considering all that's been happening between the two of you lately, the reason why I say this is that with all your agreeing, GAL'ing and pretty much detaching/moving on efforts, I think it's having it's desired effect on her however.... (and you know it wouldn't be that easy), does she really want sex with you to connect with you or is she just tagging you to keep you in line just in case she's wondering if you're moving on and possibly thinking about the single life with other women.
Sounds like an interesting poll to pose to our fellow db'ers.
If gucci & puppy are out there, I'd love to hear what they have to say here.
