What a crzy night. ent out and before I was out of the driveway, W was texting me calling me an [censored] and the kids cry because I always leave them. I did not respond. She then texted me more angry feelings, and I just asked her to stop. She kept going and going, which I was polite calm and not confrontational. I did reply once with a hypocrit comment, but then left it alone. after about 1 AM she texted me and asked if I was safe? I said yes and that I was keeping an eye on the guy who invited us becasue he was loopy. I did not have one drink last night and was calm.
She then started to light me up about talking when I got home, but that my intentions were to stay out late so we couldnt talk, how controlling I was and that yet another way that I control her.
I finally came home got in bed and she came down and stood at the door about 2 AM. She immediately went into me as a liar, that she cant trust me I have lied about everything over the last 7 years and it has broken her beyond repair. I was calm, but stated if you want to talk lets talk, but I will not let her stand there and call me a liar for an hour. SHe says she has notice my changes but felt 2 weeks is not enough. She said that when I agreed to go to my brothers and changed my mind, it was yet another promise I made that I broke. Told her I changed my mind in the interest of me and the kids. I reiterated that if she wants out of the M, that is her choice, I will not fight her on it and she can leave.
We discussed the D, she said she doesnt see any other option, I told her that is her choice and that I would not fight her except where the kids are concerned. She has so much hate towards me, I feel her pain and I want to comfort her and take it out of her, but I cant, not overnight. It was not a bad talk, but it did not go the direction I wanted. Told her I did not invite her tonight because she has shown little interest in being with me, and I did not want to push te issue. She was obviously very jealous I was out, I did wear a new shirt and looked dapper. I know she noticed.
SHe went upstairs and sent me a text "NOt that I guess it matters anymore but why is it that u never fought for me? I started to reply, then I just went upstairs, stood next to the bed, and said what do you think I am fighting for? I would fight the devil himself for my family. Told her that I was sorry she did not feel comfort in me or us, and that I wish she could. I gave her a small hug and kissed her forehead and went back to bed, she just cried.
Dont know if I did good or backtracked, I did what felt right at the time, I do know that. So this week she could go talk to attorneys dont know nothing I can do about it.
I did ask her how she expects things to be earlier, she wants us to be cordial and stuff. Well we will see what today and the next bring.
- W was texting me calling me an [censored] and the kids cry because I always leave them. - She then texted me more angry feelings, and I just asked her to stop. - She kept going and going, which I was polite calm and not confrontational. - after about 1 AM she texted me and asked if I was safe? - She then started to light me up about talking when I got home - she came down and stood at the door about 2 AM. - She immediately went into me as a liar, that she cant trust me I have lied about everything over the last 7 years - and it has broken her beyond repair. - I was calm, but stated if you want to talk lets talk, but I will not let her stand there and call me a liar for an hour.
- SHe says she has notice my changes but felt 2 weeks is not enough.
- She said that when I agreed to go to my brothers and changed my mind, it was yet another promise I made that I broke. - We discussed the D, she said she doesnt see any other option, I told her that is her choice and that I would not fight her except where the kids are concerned. - She has so much hate towards me, I feel her pain and I want to comfort her and take it out of her, but I cant, not overnight. - She was obviously very jealous I was out, I did wear a new shirt and looked dapper. I know she noticed. - SHe went upstairs and sent me a text "NOt that I guess it matters anymore but why is it that u never fought for me? (for someone who wanted to leave you, she just revealed that she has some feelings for you, you are doing the right thing: "letting her go", don't fight for her, that would soothe her ego but it wouldn't bring her back to you, your attitude on this is "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me")
- I gave her a small hug and kissed her forehead and went back to bed, she just cried.
- Dont know if I did good or backtracked, I did what felt right at the time, I do know that. So this week she could go talk to attorneys dont know nothing I can do about it.
I did ask her how she expects things to be earlier, she wants us to be cordial and stuff. Well we will see what today and the next bring.
Well that's a recap of your post, for someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore, she sure is emotionally invested in you. Angry, sad, jealous, etc. asking why you didn't fight for her, etc. The crack about the kids crying because you went out was nice, nothing like using the kids to pull on the old heartstrings ;-) But it was ok when she went out by herself the other night to that wedding, the kids were fine that evening I'm sure of it (and I'm sure the kids were fine when you went out last night as well, that's just her trying to make you feel guilty, again, another test, the tests come in all forms, I've told you this already so you know)
I'm impressed she let you hug her and kiss her, especially since your situation is so new, I thought maybe she would have pushed you away.
If she wants to speak with lawyers this week, let her, that's her option, you can't control her, you can control you, let her do whatever she wants to do, you keep maintaining the same positive attitude, getting a life, going out, staying busy, etc.
If she wants to go, let her go. If she wants to call lawyers and file for divorce, let her. If she wants to move out, let her, in fact, agree with her and help her pack and move out.
Looks like you're doing ok so far, good job on this.
p.s. one thing to note, not a biggie but don't backslide, the one time when she got under your skin and you texted her back calling her a hypocrite, that's an emotional response from you, remember she's testing you, I told you this already, let her go crazy, your job is to remain cool, calm, confident and SANE. You know the tests are coming, that is your advantage, no matter how loopy she appears to be, no matter what she says, all of it is an emotional response from an insecure woman trying to test you to see if you will fold under her pressure. You know this now, so just be cool & calm.
I do not doubt she has deep feelings for me still, I dont think that is the issue. Her feelings are both love and hate, go figure. She is cold and lifeless this morning, and I have told her to go, if thats what she wants, go. I debated not going up to her room, I do feel she needs to know that I do want our M to work, which I let her know, not overly pushy or begging, just reaffirming what I want.
So I am going to take S with me to meet with a client about building a custom home, I was awarded the contract yesterday, Cha-ching! which I needed a bit of a boost which that definetly was needed.
She cried the whol;e time we talked, I did not, not much of a crier, and again I was calm, and when talks turned nasty I stood firm and told her I wasnt going to go that way with the talk.
nope, you don't need to tell her what you want, remember her feelings are all over the place, she is the one that wanted to separate from you, she wanted you to move out, etc.
Telling her you want the marriage to work may go against her current feelings which are still too new & fresh. Remember she wanted to separate and you are telling her you want the marriage to work, two different things, remember the stance about agreeing with her.
You don't have to tell her anything, definitely not that you want the marriage to work out.
Yes I totally agree about ending a conversation with your spouse when they start getting nasty, pretty much like "I'm not going to reward your behavior with my attention, I have no problem talking to you when you are calm and more mature"
So she is now texting me trying to be cordial at times and takes any repsonse as an attack. She then texts me " I am going to take a nap in your bed" test, reaction none. No reply what so ever
I did tell her she dwells too much on the past, holds a grudge all the time and can't just let go(said this last night)
I did forget to mention when I did hold her and kiss her forhead she didn't pull away, rob but she did just start balling like a baby.
I feel the detaching shows her I can move on, but at the same time does it go against wanting to fight for her? (Something she obviously feels I don't do enough of?
I did tell her she dwells too much on the past, holds a grudge all the time and can't just let go(said this last night)
Lecturing people on how to feel when they are in a negative cycle doesn't usually work. "I'm sorry you feel that way" gets you a lot further.
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I did forget to mention when I did hold her and kiss her forhead she didn't pull away, rob but she did just start balling like a baby.
Ummm... don't pursue anymore right now.
Detaching is to give you the emotional space you need to heal and GAL and to make healthy changes. It's a bonus that she might do the same if that happens.
Pursuing somebody isn't the best way--sometimes--to fight for your M (especially when doing so brings them to tears or opens up hot cans of resentment).
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I guess I should have mentioned that she is the one that brought up dwelling I just didn't disagree. She said our R and M started on lies(my part of course) and that how could I expect a M to work with all the baggage she says we have. I did a lot of listening didn't always agree with her "feelings" but I did for the most part not do what I would have normally done, yell argue and defend.
The only time I really got tough was in regards to the house and kids. I'm staying kids r staying.
Its weird her text about the "I guess it doesn't matter anymore" she guesses? She told me alst night we r done there should be no guessing.
Its weird her text about the "I guess it doesn't matter anymore"
If it were a question (?), the answer would be "I guess not".
Get used to this. She's going to be all over the place. Pull way back, go with the flow for now.
Don't tell her how you feel unless she asks, and then be brief but honest (e.g. I feel a little sad, a little angry, and a little bit like no matter what happens, I will be OK).
You need to heal to see this objectively and to stop reading every nuance of every word she utters like a mystic trying to read tea leaves.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Its weird her text about the "I guess it doesn't matter anymore"
If it were a question (?), the answer would be "I guess not".
Get used to this. She's going to be all over the place. Pull way back, go with the flow for now.
Don't tell her how you feel unless she asks, and then be brief but honest (e.g. I feel a little sad, a little angry, and a little bit like no matter what happens, I will be OK).
You need to heal to see this objectively and to stop reading every nuance of every word she utters like a mystic trying to read tea leaves.
Exactly this! You will drive yourself batsh#t insane trying to analyze everything. And you'll be wrong 99% of the time. Focus on yourself, not her.
So she is now texting me trying to be cordial at times and takes any repsonse as an attack. She then texts me " I am going to take a nap in your bed" test, reaction none. No reply what so ever
I did tell her she dwells too much on the past, holds a grudge all the time and can't just let go(said this last night)
I did forget to mention when I did hold her and kiss her forhead she didn't pull away, rob but she did just start balling like a baby.
I feel the detaching shows her I can move on, but at the same time does it go against wanting to fight for her? (Something she obviously feels I don't do enough of?
When she tests you like this, consider it a game, have fun with it, she tells you she's going to take a nap in your bed, you do one better, tell her "give me 30min and I'll come home and we can cuddle together LOL ;-)"
And if she texted back something like "I don't think so", you would text her back, "yeah I already changed my mind about this too, no worries ;-)" and don't forget to include the winks.
LOL!
Yes that is bordering on being an a$$hole but I figure it's nice to show you don't take everything she does seriously, it's good to show you're emotionally stable, and have a good sense of humor, a lot of other guys would go "melty man" as puppy calls it, going weak in the knees and professing their undying love on bended knee to a woman that is openly rejecting him. Don't be that guy... ever!
Don't be telling her what she does, what she does is her responsibility, don't act as a hallway monitor recording all of her actions, that won't gain you any brownie points.
I get it, she does dwell on the past too much, she does hold a grudge and can't just let go of the past.... guess what, most WAS's are exactly the same way as this. You just discovered North America, Christopher Columbus ;-)
Don't bother telling her these things, it will look too much like you telling her she's wrong, she's in love with her feelings, I told you this, from her point of view, in her perception of reality, she is 100% right even if she's wrong. Go against her feelings and you go against her, you won't to be agreeing with her feelings because then you get on the good side of her feelings, otherwise you will just continue to argue. We went through this already, don't you remember the other day how you avoided all of those arguments, what did it cost you? Nothing, all you did was agree with her and not defend yourself and you saved yourself the stress and wasted energy of arguing with a woman who is currently committed to seeing everything wrong about you. Not a smart move.
If you held her and she didn't push you away, let her ball her head off while you hold her, it shows you're strong, and it shows that she trusts you to some extent to allow herself to be vulnerable with you. Don't read to much into it and just leave it as is, one incident where you were there for her.
The detaching shows you're moving on. There are other things you can do to move on as well but let's take one step at a time here. Showing her that you're fighting for her would be a form of pursuit, and she will push you away and run away from you regardless of what she says. To get her feelings to the point where she is feeling that she wants to be with you, she will pursue you, she will want to be with you.
Read the $hit load of threads on these forums, every guy that pursues his wife has a wife that stays several steps ahead of him, never within arm's reach and all these guys complain that they can't get through to their wife. You let her chase you, how do you accomplish that, you do what's counter-intuitive, you move in the opposite direction of your wife. You are fine with the separation, she doesn't want to be with you, that's fine, you get a life, you start going out, you give her what she wants, freedom from you, she gets a real taste of that including what life will be like without you, more responsibility for her to shoulder, having to schedule work time and taking care of the kids which you have to do as well, finances, let her speak to lawyers, file for divorce, whatever, you're ok with it. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
In my opinion, chasing her/pursuing her and telling her you're there to fight for your marriage is just going to push her away because in her mind she is going to question what's wrong with you, what does he want someone that doesn't want him, that doesn't make sense, she wants to follow the value, you have to become high value, you have to become something that she wants to pursue, you have to make yourself scarce, you have to move on, you have to appear that you've had an awakening and you don't know how you feel anymore and if you want to be married to someone who could be so flakey and would break up their family so easily, you want someone who WANTS to be with you, you won't settle for less.
