she has given me lip service over the years in being supportive of my coaching endeavors and has discouraged me from being the type of coach and person that I would have liked to have been
There is one thing you have to understand and work on IMO.
If you believe you were a codependent/enabler the person you were trying to help will resent you for helping because it makes them feel worse about themsleves. Helpless.
Parent/child relationship.
Not good for husband and wife unless you are role playing for fun
or
It's Holloween.
Read his words again.
This is not your fault. Your intentions were good.
It is your fault from now on if you continue blaming yourself or not changing your choices.
Mistakes are only that if we don't learn from them.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
My H could have written that "script" except for the jealous part and the spending money (I am a saver although I don't deny us the pleasures that money can bring when we have it...he on the other hand, can barely keep a dollar in his pocket which led to me "controling" money).
My H didn't do phone chat stuff that cost money, he found the women online...he didn't do PA until he found the "perfect woman"...but pretty much the rest of it is spot on for his MLC feelings...like mentioned "the script"
I was blamed for him not going to college because I didn't want him to leave me...I was 15, what did I know? I also got a letter from H like this...exept he was telling me that he had asked OW to marry him! Hit me like a brick wall but then later he said he wasn't going to get married again because it was too much work and he didn't like handling the emotions of someone else...so who knows what was real there...what I do know is that I did work on the things that stung me...H had been severely abused as a child and my dominance was something he valued at one time but came to resent in MLC...my opinions were expressed strongly also and this made the little boy in him recoil and give in...I didn't even know he was giving in I thought he was agreeing with me!
I think you can change what you feel you need to change...make yourself happy...but don't fall into the trap of trying to "please"...in part of my H's MLC, before he left, before I even knew what was happening our roles had started reversing...he was standing up to me (this scared me) and I was running around focusing on what H wanted and what I could to make him feel better with me...that is not healthy either...I realized what I was doing on day when my sister was saying that I needed to tell H something and I burst out with "If I do that he will leave me!" I had never consciously felt H would leave, he had never threatened to leave at that point, but my radar was on and I had been ignoring it...hindsight is always 20/20 and I see it for what it was now...
Go, enjoy your trip, rest, reflect, meditate, and dream a little...take care of yourself and you will be fine.
So, slept great - have a really nice room to myself in a house full of boys. H apparently was here last night late however I was in my room so didn't have to engage him. S said that H texted him this morning about going shopping? S said that H rented a hotel room rather than staying with friend like he was planning.
Coach and dad from team asked me what had happened to H. I said that I couldn't answer that because I only knew that he was unhappy and that I am trying to respect his apparent need for space and trying to model respect for kids. They said ~ that he told them he was in "survival" mode right now ~ would be working at school 7-3 / then 2 nights a week working at school an additional 3-7 / then going back to the extended stay place and every 3 hours "walking" the grounds as security. They asked him how he was going to sleep? He said that he was in survival mode but by next year he would be in great shape.
I try to keep my chin up ~ eyes forward ~ but my heart hurts for my family. He is completely detached from what our reality was ~ and now he has his own reality. In many ways, I guess I'm trying to create my own reality and trying to keep the structures and traditions we had in place that were good for the kids and creating new ones as necessary.
I am sad for him, for me, for the kids. I often feel lonely - like I'm the only one that thinks all of this is crazy. I hate to say it - but sometimes it helps for me to hear outsiders say "what is wrong with him?" - it makes me feel less insane. Not in a "team a" or "team b" kind of way / just that this situation is not the "norm".
Sunny day in Orlando - going to sit by the pool - watch a basketball game - and grill out a nice dinner for the boys. I am blessed!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I hope you are enjoying your vacation. I have not read your thread in a few days so i apologize for the late response.
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Does it sound right that I am planning to respectfully, with quiet dignity, self-esteem, and common courtesy stand for my marriage?
Not AT ALL. You decide what is best for you. Standing is something that does not have to be announced. You just do it.
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I don't plan to discuss it with anyone
Good that will keep the nasayers at bay. You know...the ones that all seem to have an opinion.
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just letting myself live
F'in A! Yeah...this is what it is about. You get it. You really get it girl. Standing does not mean you wallow in your misery. Detachment does not mean that you become cold and desensitized. it means that you "let go" that you go and live your life. Good for you IB...good for you!
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He will NEVER be the same - and I know this
No and neither will YOU. Let this process change you IB. Always look to do better. Always strive to be the person you want to be. Then no matter what you will be happy.
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Made some people laugh
Can you tell me a few jokes. Hell I need a good laugh.
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I have found a yellow lab puppy
I own a golden doodle (no comments please Grit), which are very much like a golden lab. Great dog. Not the shiney tool in the shed if ya know what I mean but good dogs.
Now...re: your H's letter. It is MLC Script. It is his crisis. Ignore it. If something he wrote stings..well then look at it and change it. Otherwise, ignore it and go live your life.
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He is completely detached from what our reality was ~ and now he has his own reality
Yeah...i know...my W is in her own world as well. Remember the old saying that people's perception becomes their reality. Well his is a little warped right now. Nothing you can do but...let go and be happy.
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watch a basketball game
What team?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
