As I said the last time you were here – are situations are very similar.
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I know many of you will be disappointed as I have back slid from a couple months ago when I was on
Dude I am not disappointed. We all arrive here and think we are different. Think…nah…not me…I can do this. Then….we realize….holly sh*t this is really happening to me. Holly cra* this stuff does take a long time. Holly…holly…holly…she just may not come out of it. WTF do I do.
You coming back is quite normal dude. Let me give you another secret. In a few days/weeks/months…you will be saying your done when you really are not. Trust me. You can ship me a bottle of sapphire when it happens.
My first piece of advice to you – do not commitment to anything right now. Right now it is soooooo important that you keep your mouth shut or as we say in these necks of the woods…sit back and pour yourself the biggest glass of STFU. I cannot stress this enough. Pour it straight up dude. No ice.
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Every other thing she does just makes no sense and comes at a cost to everyone but her.
Welcome to the world of MLC. Get very familiar with the word “entitlement”. Very familiar.
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Only advice my wife is getting is from the OM.
OM is NOT the problem BUT you can’t see that right now – cause your probably pissed the f off, which is normal. I will say it again OM is NOT the problem. Right now in HER mind he represents everything that YOU do not. He is the fixer. He is her “soul mate”, he “get’s her” and you…well your just there. You a familiar thing in the background – someone that yeah she loves but “feels” that she is not in love with anymore. It sucks dude – it does. The faster you can get a hold of this concept the faster YOU can begin YOUR journey.
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she asked if I had ever slept with the woman who was her Maid of Honor.
Know why she asked? Cause…she needs this justification so that she can justify HER actions.
So just know that every word you have ever uttered, everything you have EVER done wrong is in the forefront of her mind. NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING that you do can change it right now. NOTHING.
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We have to get to work on Stilt.
Think about this ^^^^^ think about this please! AND what this means is this….
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You are going to work on being the man YOU want to be. And if that happens to be the kind of man she wants, then great
So how do we begin the work on you….first off…..
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You HAVE to detach.
Because….
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She doesn't want this right now.
Why do I say this…..Because….
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Right now your ex doesn't really care what's best for you, but rather how it will affect her. Those tears were most likely selfish tears. If she cared, she wouldn't sit there texting another man.
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I think the entire point is that I cannot worry any longer about what she thinks.
YES…YES…YES….It is about YOU. The hard part is doing what you need to do in love and not in anger. It is hard but it can be done. You may question yourself a bunch of time before you are about to do something. That’s normal. It is a natural check that we all should do. Take your time before you make any decisions about things and make sure 1) it is WHAT YOU WANT 2) Is in the best interest of the children 3) is not an attempt to “manipulate”, “guilt”, “force” her to do something that YOU want. In other words, do not do what I did, which was…well if I do this maybe she will see that I have changed. Or my favorite….If I do this maybe she come back to me.
Still – I am sorry to say that while there is another person in the picture it is VERY hard for her to see anything you do. Nothing. She must first get over the OP and then maybe…just maybe..she will turn her attention to you. That should not be your focus right now…Right now you need to get over the anger, get over the feeling of being tossed aside and finally you need to heal.
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I simply cannot see staying as a healthy option for me.
What about the kids? What is in their best interest? I am not suggesting that you stay. I am only saying that if you leave what does this mean in a court of law and how will that effect your time with the kids. Another thing to consider…are you leaving hoping that she will see that you have left and deep down inside you feel like she will “miss you”. If you are doing things like this they are tricks, they are games. Games my friend do not work.
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but then she hit me with a trembly lip and near tear eyes when I talked of leaving
Oh….mine did something similar….when I found out about OM#1..I said I would file. He response “what are you quiting already”. IMO, they know what buttons to push. They now how to control the sitch. This is why it is so important for you to detach.
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I screwed up today outrageously, and just do not know how to handle it. If wife says something about it I do not know what to say, and if she does NOT say anything about it I do not know what to do.
This is a tough one dude. If you say something to her well then she has to deal with the guilt that you know and trust me she will think if YOU know then others know so it may back her into a corner. If you do not say anything then she will think you are holding back and it may come across as you are lying. IMO – I would just listen if she says anything. I would answer if asked..something like “Is there something that YOU want to discuss – if so I am hear to listen”.
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That meant backing away and giving myself the space I needed to get stronger.
This ^^^^^ is Detachment.
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I also told my wife that I need to move out sooner than later. I told her it was no good for me and that I would be sure to give her more than the 28% she will be getting when things are final so that she can get settled, but that I needed my own money in order to survive.
Still – you may not want to hear this. What I see in this statement is you are looking for HER approval. You are hoping that she sees that you are being fair and kind and being a man. Know what – talking to her will mean nothing! You need to just act. Right now she does not really give a shi* about what you need. You think she does but trust me – she doesn’t. Hopefully I am not coming across as angry. BUT I have been where you are. Have done the SAME things. Trust me. Shut up now…don’t commit to a thing.
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She said we should keep going like we are for now
Yeah it make sense for HER. What make sense for YOU. It seems to me like you are throwing yourself on the sword for her hoping that she will interpret that as change. True change Still will come when YOU decided that YOU want to change for YOU. Not when you change for her hoping for some sort of outcome that is in YOUR favor.
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She wants the house, but does not want my 401-K or pension, and only child support, which I would be giving anyway.
That’s what she says now. Has she seen a L? If not, then expect that you may be asked for more. I hope not. In my sitch…it started with…E just pay down the debt, I want no alimony, I want us to be friends, there is no one in my life, etc. etc. I hope and pray that your sitch is different. What I can tell you is that NOW she wants everything. So be careful. As the saying goes in MLC. Believe NONE of what you hear and half of what you see. Be careful dude.
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do not care if I end up in a box if it gets her back to me.
Be careful what you wish for dude.
Still I soooo know where you are right now. I have been there. Trust me I have. Look man…the focus should be on detachment. I personally would not leave the house. Let me ask you a few more questions…
1) What do you see your life with the kids like? How often do you want to see them? 2) Have you seen a L yet? 3) What example do you want to set for your kids? 4) What books have you read lately? 5) What do YOU really want for YOU? 6) What dreams do you have? Ones that do not include her.
Dude – I suggest that you go look up some of my old threads…
Here is my first post…http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45463&Number=1915002#Post1915002
Look man…I am really trying to help you. I made so many f’in mistakes it was not even funny.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
