A new day ... or something equally cliche ....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So why is no one supporting PEI

Not sure I would agree with that statement.

Challenging her yes.

Not supporting? At least for me I don't feel that way.

You're right, TG -- I stand corrected. I should have said "So why, when she does this, does everyone seem to challenge her decision?"

I also strongly disagree with this. Strongly AGREE with the first half, but the second half, no:

If you are making a decision to move on as a reaction to something your spouse did to you or some deal breaker then you haven't healed from that.

Dealbreakers are, by their very definition, something over which one SHOULD move on. Otherwise, they weren't really dealbreakers (or, as I like to call them, Boundaries of Personal Integrity) to begin with.

Puppy

[TimeHeals]

If you are making a decision to move on as a reaction to something your spouse did to you or some deal breaker then you haven't healed from that.

Dealbreakers are, by their very definition, something over which one SHOULD move on. Otherwise, they weren't really dealbreakers (or, as I like to call them, Boundaries of Personal Integrity) to begin with.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

So... if I decide to get a divorce because my spouse shoots me 3 times, it's because I haven't healed emotionally and spiritually?

Poppycock and gobbleygook.

I can heal emotionally and spiritually, forgive the person, and make dang sure they are never given another chance to shoot me again.

I sometimes think TG doesn't want to draw any line in the sand to sensibly protect himself.

[Truegritter]

Dealbreakers are, by their very definition, something over which one SHOULD move on. Otherwise, they weren't really dealbreakers (or, as I like to call them, Boundaries of Personal Integrity) to begin with.

I think I need to clarify...

I am not talking about a boundary. Yes boundaries are for you and must be enforced. An example would be if you shoot me then I will have you thrown in jail.

And

Probably not want to be M to you anymore.

I was more referring to what brings us here to begin with. Like an A. You may have said to yourself if my spouse has an affair then that is a dealbreaker. Well ...

Maybe not. When we find understanding, compassion and grace.

With regards to Boundaries of personal integrity...

I am only going to speak for myself on that one.

I get the concept and may be to protect you in the beginning.

BUT

I don't want to give ANYONE the power over MY integrity. I control that by how I react to what someone does.

I can't control what someone does so why would I give them the power to hurt my integrity.

My integrity is mine and have dominion over it. It is not subject to what someone else thinks or does.

As far as I'm concerned what someone else does or says about me or to me about my choices that are based in my integrity is....

What's the words I'm looking for

Poppycock and gobbleygook.

When you allow that then anyone can have dominion over who you are and your integrity.

I also believe that it is a process to get to this understanding and is what I believe is part of healing and growth.

So yes one may need boundaries until this happens. BUT

When it happens maybe you don't need them anymore???



Pup,just my opinion and so on the whole I think we agree except on this point as you have already pointed out.

[Truegritter]

I sometimes think TG doesn't want to draw any line in the sand to sensibly protect himself.

Sorry for the apparent hijack here PEI.

Protect myself from what?

I control if I stay or go...

... not my W or what she chooses.

That is the only thing that does make SENSE to me.

Allowing anything else outside my control to run my life is senseless indeed.

Drawing a line in the sand to sensibly protect myself?

Gives power to that which I fear will break me.

I might as well post a sign on my front door that says

"broken man lives here"

No thanks.

[TimeHeals]

Sorry, TG.

Don't agree. You don't have to be broken or anything of the kind to protect yourself from harm.

Excluding somebody from your life because they do harmful things is very healthy and sometimes must be done.

It's not because you are broken that you do that. You do that because you are NOT broken.

Now, with the integrity version of this, I can agree: you don't go cheat, for example, because somebody cheated on you. You don't do something bad because bad has be done to you.

And once you get over the pain of betrayal, you aren't broken because somebody else did something in their brokeness that hurt your feelings.

You do what is right, and sometimes this means not only letting people go, it sometimes means giving them a push on their way. You don't do that out of fear, anger, or resentment: you do it because it is the right thing to do, and you know that.

[Truegritter]

If you would like to continue this discussion you can do it on my thread and maybe you can read it while your over there.

Excluding somebody from your life because they do harmful things is very healthy and sometimes must be done.

Harmful by whose definition?

Yours?

Then do I have to ask the milkman what is harmful to me too?

The point of this is to go your own journey. Take control of yourself.

Someone hurt me do I

1) Run away and call it healhy
2) Stay and face my fears

Conquer them
Live my own values
Live my own choices
Grow
Heal
Learn about Grace
Learn about Love
and so much more...


It is healthy to recognize that you cannot control others.

What others choose to do they do to themselves.

You can only control how you react to them.

Once you learn that then you are on your way to being healthy and free

... and guess what?

You don't have to walk around scared about the next time someone "harms" you and you have to

Run away...

Again.

Disagree with you?

With every bone in my body friend.

Wholeheartedly and with every bone.

[ericmsant2]

Can we all have a group hug?

Just sayin.....

God Bless both of you. Your both right.

Just my 2 cents but hey what do I know.

Eric

[PEI]

Eric ... is that you trying to smooth things over? Fix things perhaps? Just sayin'

[ericmsant2]

Yep....that damn fixer in me! Fu*k I still need to work on that.

[PEI]

At risk of interupting an interesting debate on my own thread, I want to address a few points ...

I do feel supported, and yes, I do feel challenged. I've always welcomed the challenge, it gives me an opportunity to examine my choices and look for the "sting". Quite frankly, I think most are suspect of my ability to be genuinely making decisions from a place of healing, growth, maturity and love based on my timeline. They're entitled to their opinion.

Puppy, I'm with you re the dealbreakers, or Boundaries of Personal Integrity. I'm not going into the gory details, but suffice it to say I am one to draw lines in the sand. It's all a part of my not believing in unconditional marriage. I have not made any decisions from a place of anger or resentment, actually it's just the opposite. I am lovingly letting him go to live his life, make his choices and live with the consequences of those choices. I need to make choices that affect and protect my children and I: financially, emotionally and physically. Period. How he chooses to react to my choices is his business. I'm no longer basing my life and decisions on how it will affect him, or what he might or might not do as a result of what I've done.

Gotta run and pick my Daddy up at the airport ...
I'll be back in a bit ...
Peace
PEI