How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

My fears:

My nightmare is always the same: I am standing in a small kitchen cooking at the stove. My H comes up behind me and is trying to convince me to leave with him. I am scared, and softly tell him I don't want to, no. He is whispering in my ear, "Come on. You know you want me. You deserve me so let's go." Then he begins to physically pull me from the kitchen as I cry, "NO!"

I fear H is really not ever going to get better.

I fear anger.

I fear I will never get over the affects of the abuse (emotionally).

I fear that I have failed my children and ruined their lives.

I fear I really did deserve the abuse- was to blame. (I am TRYING to believe I was not to blame.)

I fear I will never know what it is like to be loved and respected and treated well.

I fear that my weakness will hamper me from ever becoming anything more than a broken woman, divorced, broke.

I am always fearful of making my H angry and him retaliating.

[cat04]

Rlay--

Thank you for sharing. Please continue to do so. I have more to say, but I will do that in a little while, it is sort of a busy day here.

In the meantime, please try to have a good day. You deserve it. ((((hugs))))

[RLay1100]

Thank you, Cat. Thank you EVERYONE who has read and responded. No matter the words I type, I can not convey to you HOW MUCH it means to me to be able to share the horror I had to keep hidden for so many years and get nothing but honest, positive feedback and support.

Eric, it did help to write about the abuse. My counselors have been bugging me for weeks to write about the abuse I endured in the M, but I had not been able to until I came here this morning. I have read your story, Eric, and I found it so heartbreaking, but inspirational. After reading through your story again last night, I felt that I should at least TRY to write it out. I was so upset as I wrote out the details this morning, but now I am feeling some relief. Although I have only told a few people about what I went through, each time I feel a little stronger.

Thank you for not telling me I am stupid. I hear that all the time IRL from those who know the truth about my M and know that I do still love him and wish I could save my M. I do still have hope that H will go through this MLC and come out a better man. I KNOW he is a good man deep down.

During one of the last talks we had as a married couple living together, H broke down and cried (only the third time I had EVER seen him cry) and said he felt like he had ruined my life. :-( He talked as if he felt he had caused so much damage to "us" he couldn't fix it, even if we tried. Maybe I am wrong, but I do think that one of the things he is running from during MLC is all the guilt he feels for being so abusive.

[Truegritter]

Rlay

It is slow on the weekends here.

What you wrote above is very good to get out.

I don't have experience to share only that we all have inside us the capacity to choose something better...

To look at our mistakes and learn from them.

I continue to be humbled and in awe of the capacity and power of the human spirit...

If you want proof read Eric's thread.

Everyone who is here whether they are in the same place in their journey as you or have been here now sharing in the wisdom and grace that was given them...

All

All...

Have the same capacity for strength and courage as YOU have right now.

YOU are here my courageous friend and you found strength to cry out here...

NO MORE!

I want my life and the life of my children to be different then what I know today.

And it will.

You can make it so.

I believe that as sure as I breath.

[ericmsant2]

RLay

Thank you. Thank you for sharing. I am writing this on my Blackberry as I do not have internet access where I am. I will post more tommorrow when I can use my laptop.

I want u to know that I am sooooo proud of you. I want you to know that you are stronger than you think. I can "feel" it in your words. You have taken the first step honey. A step that YOU needed to take. Not only for you but for your kids AND your H. You have acknowledged what was going on. You recognize that you were abused. You have made a STAND.

Your H may not like this - it should not matter to you. Not now.

I want you to feel that anger...I mean really feel it. I cannot feel it for you. Only you can do this. I can tell you that reading your story made me want to jump in my jeep, drive to KY and beat the living sh*t out of your H. I am sorry to say - but he is a coward. He is a sad excuse for a man in my book. Having said this, and this may shock you - he can get better. He can fix HIS issues. Here is what you need to remember - they are his issues. You cannot help him BUT you can begin to heal yourself. You can have a live. Fuc* that...YOU will have a life. You will strive, you will gain strength BUT first honey You need to realize what HE did to you. He abused you. He sexually abused you. He physically abused you. So how does that make YOU feel? Angry I bet? Guess what it should. You have every right in this F'in world to be pissed the F off. Every right.

Soooo between me you and these boards what would you say or do to your H if you were not afraid. Can you post that for me. I can tell you that...me... I would as I have said..beat the living...

After you post what you would say or do...rest.

Rest tonight honey ....just rest.

I'll keep telling you ....your not alone. Your not.

I will check in tomorrow.

God Bless you and thank you...thank you for standing up for YOU

Eric

[dl443322]

Oh honey, I am so sorry you had to go through such pain from a man that you love.

So, first things first. You do know that under no circumstances is it ok for a man to hit a woman. ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES!

There is sbsolutely nothing you could have said or done to warrant that.

You want your sons to know that too, right?

The way to heal all this is to remember who are, who you were.
Remember the 22 year old with a little boy who held a management position while going to school fulltime. Remember who were you were then - confident, outgoing, capable. FIND HER.

Put your h and your marriage in a box on a shelf for right now.

Think about the type of men you want your sons to be. Show them how to be that by showing them who you are and how you deserve to be treated.

Sweetie, it's time for you to dig deep and figure out what makes you happy, what makes you you.

Get back to that 22 year old girl.

You did not deserve to be treated that way. You did not.

Your h is broken. And I do not care one bit what he says to the ow and neither should you. He is walking a journey, too. LET HIM.

And you walk yours. Its Rlays, time now. Your time. Your life.

Put the focus on Rlay and your children.

So get to gettin'. Find your strength, your center. Use any anger you feel to propel you forward. Then let it go. Because if you hold onto it, it holds you back. It weighs you down.

You can do this. One moment at at time. One step at a time.

[ericmsant2]

Rlay

I have so much to say to you…so much….

I do not want to coddle you – I don’t. I want YOU to stand for YOU.

I also want you to know that this post is coming from someone who was emotionally distant in his M. Some one who took his W for granted. Some one who said things that he has since regretted. I have spent so much time working on me… working on myself and so I know this…... As a man your H must do this on HIS OWN. He must. As Brooklyn said to you…this is HIS journey as much as it is yours. It is how YOU choose to deal with it that will separate you from the pack. Separate you from everyone else.

You control your own destiny, you control YOUR life. You Rlay…control YOU. You cannot either by actions or by words control or change your H. Your H is broken, he needs some serious help. He does. Anyone who can touch a pregnant women needs serious help. Help honey, that you cannot give him. Help that will only come from God and from him finally being willing to take the step for HIM. A step that he must take to finally accept that he does need help.

So what can you do? What do you do to save your M (if that is indeed what you want)?

You work on your healing. You work on finding you. As Brooklyn pointed out…the old you, the 22 yr old that had dreams, had hope, had life, lived, was happy, smiled, laughed…yes that is the person that you must find. Once you do…you can then decide what YOU want. Maybe while you do this, your H gets the help he needs, maybe he does not. I can tell you that most people will not. Most people will not dig deep, will not do the work, most will run…most will justify there actions…most will follow the masses, the friends, the OP…most will just put it away and hope to deal with it later only to realize that they have carried it forward. That should NOT be YOU RLay.. God, the hope and the future that is in front off you is wonderful. If you take that step RLay, and if you keep moving forward. Forward with your kids, forward for YOU. It is scary honey.

Change is scary, the unknown is scary, the loss of a love one is scary, the loss of a familiar sitch is scary, so much in life is scary honey. So how do you deal with this fear?

You face it. Period. I can blow smoke up your butt if you want – but something tells me that is not what you want. You want to be pushed. You want to change. You want to stop the cycle of abuse. You do…your just scared and I understand.

Another thing that you can do to face that fear is let loose the anger. As I said yesterday you should be angry..very angry.

In terms of your abuse I am going to be very honest and very personal here. You may not know me from a hole in the wall but I am pretty open person these days. It is the change that I thank God for everyday.

Let me tell you what I see in your post..Keep in mind that this is my opinion..and based on MY LIFE.

and he talked very hateful about his ex-wife

This is an early sign that he may not respect women. He may have had issues with mommy. In my case, my mother was well let’s just say…less than an “ideal” mom and I’ll just leave it at that. I grew up with a fair amount of resentment or lack of trust toward women. This took a long time and a lot of work to finally change.

H convinced me we were "in love" after only a couple of months of dating.

Yeah he probably would. He saw that you were probably a little niave and he knew that he could control you. Once he could control you he would in turn feel better about himself. He probably did not even realize that his self worth came at your expense.

he began to pressure me into having children- NOW.

I am torn on this one, he may have wanted children in an attempt to “rectify” his past. As a way of trying to find some joy in HIS life. Something that he could call HIS. Something that would understand him.

I would assure him I loved him

When someone has no self worth, when some one does not know how to love another albeit due to their own issues or there past…NOTHING YOU DO or SAY can make them see it. NOTHING YOU DO or SAY can make them feel it. Only GOD. Actually, the more you tell him the more insecure he probably felt. He KNEW (subcontiously or contiounsly) that he was insecure. This fed it.

He would push guilt trips on me and bully me

Screams control…control…control. You see, he wanted to control so that he did not hurt. He wanted to control so that he did not have to face HIS FEARS. You my dear can do better. You can face yours!

The first time H hit me I was 7 months pregnant with our first son.

I can’t tell you how pissed this makes me. You should be just as pissed!

I felt him slap me so hard, my head went sideways

RLay…I want you to promise YOURSELF one thing….He does this again – ever – (assuming you take his butt back) I want you to call the cops BUT only after you take a fuc* frying pan to his damn head. Okay…no don’t do that…call the cops, get a restraining order. Make this PROMISE TO YOU and YOUR kids.

I have to stop reading the abuse…I am sorry I am getting way to pissed off. Once again…SO SHOULD YOU.

Let me respond to your Fears…

I fear H is really not ever going to get better

You do not know this. What you should KNOW is that YOU cannot fix him.

I fear anger

Why? It is okay to get angry. It is how you deal with the anger that is the bigger issue. Anger is HEALTHY. As Cat pointed out to you…

Don't fear the anger. Let it come out. As it does, you will be amazed the transformation that can take place within you.

I fear I will never get over the affects of the abuse (emotionally).

I can assure you that YOU will IF you do the work. IF YOU take the step towards YOUR own healing. Any person can, if they make the commitment to themselves. FTR and IMO…I am living breathing proof of it as are so many on these boards.
Here is what my brother from another mother Grit said to you…

You can make it so. I believe that as sure as I breath.

I fear that I have failed my children and ruined their lives.

This fear will become a reality if YOU do not make the changes that YOU need to make for YOU and them. If you do not STOP the cycle – then yes. No bull – you would have failed your children. Why would I say this? Cause my mother failed me. She was in an abusive R, a very physically abusive one. Did she leave him? Yes. Did she do the work on herself? NO. She ran, she found comfort in the arms of another, and then another, and then another. She never stopped to work on herself. She did get us out of the environment but really moved us into one that in some cases was worse. She never healed. To the day, still has not. Me and my brother were left with the emotional baggage of all of it. So yes, RLay – this fear will become a reality if YOU do not change it. Know what? I KNOW YOU CAN…and I believe in all of my heart that YOU WILL.

I fear I really did deserve the abuse- was to blame. (I am TRYING to believe I was not to blame.)

This is a victim mentality. One that you can change if and when YOU want to. You know deep down that you are not to blame. Your not stupid. You are just so used to feeling this way. You’ve been programmed this way. FTR, I manage programmers all the time. I can tell you that EVER PROGRAM can be REWRITTEN! So, stand up girl and know that you did not deserve this. Hey…even if your H came home and you were banging the entire football team – you did not deserve this. Please do not take offense to this – I am only trying to make a point and not imply that you would ever do anything as such. Hey…want to laugh….FTR…I may have if it was cheerleaders. Opps…sorry that alpha male ‘tude came out. LOL.

I fear I will never know what it is like to be loved and respected and treated well.

You fear this because YOU have not learned how to RESPECT YOURSELF. Sorry to say honey. You don’t respect yourself. If you did..you would be so fuc*ing pissed right now it would not be funny. The good thing here is that once you do, this fear will go away. Once you have your own respect. Once you know who YOU are. Once you are sure of WHAT YOU WANT and what YOU need to be happy….we’ll then this feeling really does go away.

I fear that my weakness will hamper me from ever becoming anything more than a broken woman, divorced, broke.

Your broken now – yes….will you be broken in the future? Only you can decide this RLay.. You can choose to stay stuck or you can choose to move forward. Slowly, once step at a time. Remember the first step is healing.

Being divorce will NOT define you. Being broke will not define YOU. You sweetie will define YOU. Hard to imagine. I know. BUT do the work and I can guarantee that you will see this.

Now…in terms of being broke – hey join the crowd. I don’t even want to get into my details. I may need to bang to pennies together to get a dollar. Guess what – I’m still me. I’m still a great guy. I’m still getting stronger every day. I’m still alive. The sun still rises. My children still love me (okay maybe not the 16 yr old but he is 16 so what do you expect).

So here is what you should be thinking about…DAYDREAM….Yep….dream about what you want your life to be like. Dream about the things that you want in your life. Spend the time trying to figure out how to get these things.

Now, at the risk of overkill in my post I want to point out a few key quotes that I would really like you to read and re-read.

I am so hurt. I am so lonely.

You want this ^^^^ to go away- right?…well then listen to some very wise people…take a look at what they have said to you…just read these quotes from YOUR thread.

But you can overcome it, you can.

you are strong, you are beautiful, you are loving, you are kind, you are worthy ... because you ARE. Period.

you cannot fear this man

If he threatens you, have him arrested.

is actions towards you are UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Keep fighting the good fight and keep the faith!

saying abuse is NEVER ok. It isn’t. And it is NEVER the victims fault.

I will not support you in allowing yourself to be the victim anymore though.

You will continue to live in this you decide it's time to stop.

It took courage to spill your guts.

he anger that is underneath the surface, let it out, rage, vent, rant. We'll be here to support you, to prop you up when you falter, to walk beside you.

You can break this cycle

NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. IT'S HIS PROBLEM.

A person can stand for the M, even one like this, because strength is gained through standing, while doing the work to strengthen themselves.

Is it possible for someone like that to change? It is. It really is. Never say never...

I want to let him go...to stop this unbelievable pain.

The cycle ends when that broken woman picks herself up, dusts herself off, and begins to put those pieces together again and teaches the kids a different way.

Rlay, I leave you with the most important quote (at least IMO)…..

You do have the right to be angry. You should be angry. If you can't get angry at him for what he did to you, then he wins.

Get angry girl….please let it out…..

As always, your not alone…not alone…I gotta go…gotta go live the LIFE that I am MAKING FOR ME.

God Bless,
Eric

[RLay1100]

I just want to UNDERSTAND WHY. WHY take a young girl with her whole life full of dreams and ambition ahead of her and destroy her just because you can since she loves you so much and put all of her devotion and trust in you?

He beat me until I was so damaged he didn't want me anymore:-(

Now that he is in the midst of a MLC, H seems to be completely soul-less. I use to see some guilt, shame, remorse from H when he would lose control. Now, all I see is hate toward me...for WHAT?! WHY does HE hate ME?!

I don't think he will EVER realize that the abuse was really really bad. He blames me for EVERYTHING wrong in our marriage, in his life, in his relationship with his kids... H has no care or appreciation of what I went through, how difficult it is for me to deal with now, and how HARD my life has become.

[dl443322]

Honey, I know that you want to understand why your h treated you the way he did and I can understand why you do.

I dont know him so I can only guess. I think, as Eric said, your h has very little self-esteem. And he needed to have total control.

I know that is important for you to understand why. But, to me, it is even more important for you to learn why you felt you had to put up with it.

Once you begin to understand that, the true healing can begin,

You have been and will be going through the stages of grief - denial, guilt, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.

All of the steps are necessary for you to go through in order to come out the other side. Don't fight them.

Just try to remember that your h is broken. You can't fix him. You can only fix you.

Your h doesnt hate you - he hates himself. He needs to use his anger to justify his actions. Of course he doesnt realize what he's done - he wouldnt be able to live with it.

I want to see you take the focus off of him. I want to see you put it on you. What will make you whole again? What can you do to get back to who you were?

Time to dig deep, sweetie. I wish there was a short cut through it all, but there's not. And I wouldnt want you to miss a step of this journey. Every piece of it allows you to learn about yourself. Everytime you accept yourself, everytime you get a little stronger - you grow.

Let your h blow in the wind right now. I dont care about him. I care about you becoming the person you were meant to be. I want so much for you to find peace within yourself.

Come on now, you can do this.

[ericmsant2]

Rlay

I am sorry to say but ONLY God can answer that question. What I do know is this….everything happens for a reason. Everyone is in our life for a reason. Every thing happens in God’s time.

What makes me say this?

I was abused. I was tortured as a kid. Here I am…trying to help you. Luck, Fate? I suspect God’s will.

So leave the WHY to God. You worry about what YOU can do to heal YOU.

He beat me until I was so damaged he didn't want me anymore:-(

He beat you because he is SICK. He beat you because YOU LET HIM. He beat you to build himself up. Can he change? Yes. Can you change? Tell me RLay can you? Can you stop being a victim and stand up for yourself?

Now, all I see is hate toward me...for WHAT?! WHY does HE hate ME?!

He hates you because you no longer let him do whatever the Fuc* he wants to do to you. Remember my bully story…well when you finally stand up to the bully they do not like it. That is until the bully changes and then well anything is possible. Anything but first you really must heal.

He blames me for EVERYTHING wrong in our marriage, in his life, in his relationship with his kids.

People do this Rlay. Not just MLCers. They do. They do it to justify their actions. I made mistakes in my M. I suspect you did as well. Neither YOU nor I share ALL of the blame. What we can’t do is make the spouse see their role. This will come to them in their time or in God’s.

H has no care or appreciation of what I went through,

You actually do not know this for a fact. You are not in his head. So do me a favor and stop trying to figure out what he is thinking and feeling and start thinking and feeling for YOU.

how difficult it is for me to deal with now,

Sweetie…your feeling sorry for yourself again. Yeah it is hard…anything you want in life tends to be hard. New car, hard car payment, New career – hard work, solid M = hard work, faith in yourself = hard work, Faith in God – Hard work, dealing with 3 little kids – very very hard work. In the end though, the hard work pays off.

and how HARD my life has become.

Well then CHANGE it! You do know that YOU are responsible for YOUR life – right? Com’on girl. You can do this shi*.

Pick yourself Rlay – F him right now. What do you want in YOUR life. What is YOUR new life?

Oh….and what is my favorite saying……YOUR NOT ALONE!

God Bless,
Eric