Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

So, slept great - have a really nice room to myself in a house full of boys. H apparently was here last night late however I was in my room so didn't have to engage him. S said that H texted him this morning about going shopping? S said that H rented a hotel room rather than staying with friend like he was planning.

Coach and dad from team asked me what had happened to H. I said that I couldn't answer that because I only knew that he was unhappy and that I am trying to respect his apparent need for space and trying to model respect for kids. They said ~ that he told them he was in "survival" mode right now ~ would be working at school 7-3 / then 2 nights a week working at school an additional 3-7 / then going back to the extended stay place and every 3 hours "walking" the grounds as security. They asked him how he was going to sleep? He said that he was in survival mode but by next year he would be in great shape.

I try to keep my chin up ~ eyes forward ~ but my heart hurts for my family. He is completely detached from what our reality was ~ and now he has his own reality. In many ways, I guess I'm trying to create my own reality and trying to keep the structures and traditions we had in place that were good for the kids and creating new ones as necessary.

I am sad for him, for me, for the kids. I often feel lonely - like I'm the only one that thinks all of this is crazy. I hate to say it - but sometimes it helps for me to hear outsiders say "what is wrong with him?" - it makes me feel less insane. Not in a "team a" or "team b" kind of way / just that this situation is not the "norm".

Sunny day in Orlando - going to sit by the pool - watch a basketball game - and grill out a nice dinner for the boys. I am blessed!