Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

HI Antlers,

Have you ever asked your attny how to respond to these types of messages?

As I learned in therapy when somebody reaches a *certain* psychological point no amount of validation will EVER work. Period. For over a year I validated my H up and down and all that did was give him a forum to bash, blame and emotionally abuse me to a point that was beyond cruel. When one reaches the point of emotionally abusing somebody (which I feel your W is doing) validation is fruitless.

Your W, my H were not emotional abusers prior to divorce but something in them clicked and put them on this path. My H's verbal abuse, manipulation and emotional blackmail became so bad my attny had to step in after talking to my psych. Nobody should have to endure that just to keep things "civil" during legal proceedings.

Just so you know, this type of treatment is VERY common among people who are guilty. So they don't feel remorse for their behavior they keep on slamming. It is very alarming to be on the receiving end. I put in an effort that was nothing short of REMARKABLE to deal with it until my attny decided enough was enough. Nobody should have to be verbablly abused and I don't care who says what about DB'ing. If validation leads to more abuse and tirades then you are dealing with something more than a WAS.

I always have you in my thoughts and will be sending you every bit of strength I have for your proceedings on Wed.

xoxox
CityGirl

Hello CityGirl. I always appreciate your straight talk and logical posts.

I've talked with my L about it some, and she said it'd be more trouble than it was worth at the time...more expense and legalese. Now, we're so close to the trial, that it doesn't matter at this point.

I agree. I validated her for 19 months, and I honestly don't think it did one bit of good. She reached a certain psychological point, just as you said, that validation was fruitless...she was completely different from the person that I've known for 2 decades. She has used my validation to bash and blame me without taking any responsibility for anything herself. It's been hard for me to understand...hard for me to get my brain around how she could be this way. To know that you experienced the same thing kinda helps me understand.

Nope, she was completely different before she made the decision to leave. I do believe, as you said, that something in her 'clicked' and put her on this path. It's like she is hell bent on doing this, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the damage to our kids. She has in fact put forth more effort to make it much worse than it should have been...for everybody involved. And she doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all. Again, hard for me to understand how she could be this way.

I've wondered if she feels guilty...about anything! She sure seems to be 'driven'. Heartless! And I've thought that maybe she needs to be this way in order to 'justify' her decisions...to continue to 'convince' herself that what she is doing is right. Or, as you say, so she doesn't feel any remorse she just keeps on being mean. I've dealt with it quite well, I believe...but all of my validation has just led to more attacks and hatred on her part. Your explanation, and take on this kind of behavior, kinda helps me get my brain around it. Could you clarify...what else would one be dealing with in a situation such as this besides a WAS?

Thank you for sending good thoughts my way, especially for the trial on Wednesday. I need it. I hope and pray that she doesn't get full custody of our kids. I'll send some good thoughts your way too CityGirl. Thank you for your post to me.


antlers