Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

I'm confused. Why the change? Did OM blow her off? Is she bi-polar? Passive agressive? All sounds great, but based on your previous post very suspicious.


PMA

Agreed. I know this sounds very suspicious, but really I can honestly say I believe this is her true self even with my doubts. I'm not a clinician, but I'm very intelligent individual, very keen on understanding and observing situations. She seems to go through these episodes once every 6 months. I've suspected for quite a long time that she either has some anxiety disorder, or she is indeed bi-polar. Her sister was recently diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder and she is on meds to control this.

I really think she needs some help, but money is an issue right now with seeing an IC. Her insurance plan doesn't cover it. She has agreed however that "If money weren't an issue I'd see an IC in a perfect world."

[PMA_Baby!]

Well then I hope you like rollercoasters

WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[john28]

Well then I hope you like rollercoasters

WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Been on one for 4.5 years the entirety of our M. I'm thinking once this one slows down it's time to re-evaluate where this rollercoaster is going next.

[john28]

Journaling / Update today:

Today was S birthday, he turned 4. We had a really good day together. For some reason I felt like disconnecting for part of the day from her, and she came to me. I just wasn't feeling like I wanted to be with her, and I know it showed. I was just numb. She came to me and layed down with me for a nap, we cuddled pretty well. I woke up before her and started to get up and she asked me to stay for a little while longer. I held her and stayed about 10 more minutes but then got up. Was that wrong?

Tommorrow is W b-day. I have a great night planned that involved a spectacular dinner out, then comedy show after, then a cool bar scene. We'll see what happens - my S is spending the night with a friend. But, I don't want to get my hopes up - but she's been really touchy and loving as of late. NO EXPECTATIONS i keep telling myself....

[par4me]

Take it slow and show patience. It looks like things are going good just don't take small victories as battles won. Keep dbing and do what you are doing. Good luck? jeff

[par4me]

Bipolar is hard to deal with. I know you love her but they do not act normal all the time and impossible to read. Do not try to understand or read to much into what she is saying-it can get you hurt again. She means half of what she is saying and doing something else half the time. Just try to relax. She needs meds to work her brain out. I know this my ex is bipolar and has tried to self medicate herself for years. It didn't work for her. I hope yours can get the right treatment and you can get you life and marriage back where you want it.

[john28]

Ugh. This night was ... well... ugh.

Started out great. Good dinner. Decent comedy club act, then we were driving home. She just started getting super distant. Her words were "this is just overload" and we didn't talk to whole way home.

After we got home she said she needed to go out for a drive because she had too much of me.

I'm just - broken. This is excruciating. I'm so alone. I'm so lost. I feel so desperate. I screamed at the top of my lungs as loud as I ever had cursing God for doing this to me. I don't deserve to feel like this. I've done NOTHING to deserve all this in my life. I feel so absolutely alone in my life. I feel like I've lost my best friend and my love. She pulls me up and down, rollercoaster after rollercoaster. I'm just absolutely torn to pieces.

God, why has this happened to me? I haven't done anything to deserve this. I know I said I was going into tonight with no expectations but ... you know how it is. I love my W and I want her to feel the same again. It's just so.... broken right now.

I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate this life I've been dealt right now. I just can't keep doing this. I want to preserve myself, but for the love of my S, I stay. I allow her to continue to hurt me over and over. I find stuff out everyday that she's lied to me about. She's just not affectionate in the way I need her to be. She's so far from my grasp. I've never felt like this before. Yet, she stays because she feels bad for me, and some part of her wants to work on this.

I AM BROKEN. I AM GONE. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED, this life of a W and family, but it's slowly being taken from me day by day. I can't stop it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

I'm sorry your night was such a disappointment, but how did we get from "I'm 99% sure she's telling me the truth" to "I find stuff everyday she's lied to me about" . . . in just FOUR DAYS??

I have some thoughts on the whole "God thing," (I too cursed Him many times during my sitch, and during my SSM), but I'm trying to clarify what's happened this past week.

Puppy

[john28]

I just keep finding things that have happened in the past that I'm just now uncovering that are hurtful. Specifically the following two things:

1. I found a screenshot of her talking with some guy over live messenger (video chat) around the middle of May while she was in NY seeing her mother. When I confronted her about it, I specifically said the OM name, and she acted as if she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I mentioned the video chat and she SHUT DOWN on me and started getting really angry at me, mostly because I exposed her. She said she didn't remember his name because she hadn't talked to him in months. I know this to be partly true because I saw a text msg from this OM around the bomb (6/20) that said "Are you still alive?"... as if she hadn't talked to him in a while.

2. I found out that two weeks ago, after a MC session, she went out with one of her friends - and that in itself is OK. She asked me if it was OK to do so, and I said Yeah, Sure! That sounds like fun! She mentioned the person she would be going to see is a gay friend of hers. I thought - ok - that's cool. She came home that night and was in a good mood, talked about how she just talked and laughed but didn't talk about the R with him. I later found out that she DIDN'T go and see her gay friend, but another friend of hers that she chats on facebook with sometimes from her hometown. I'm suspicious, and I haven't confronted her about this. I know that this is the only time that she's gone to see this person, because I found texts with his address in her phone and the msg "Did you find it?" as if it was the first time she went and saw him. Through GPS i know she hasn't gone there since. She had been talking to me in the past about catching up with him for a beer. Maybe that's all it was.

She swears she is doing nothing wrong up and down and that I can trust her. No talks of moving out - and today was supposed to be S day. A month ago before DB, this was the day she was going to move out. No talks of it in two weeks since a successful MC session and DB.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So, a serial adulteress, she hits you sometimes, and she's still LYING to you.

Sorry, but my advice hasn't changed, John: cut her loose. You deserve WAY better than this.

Puppy