Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

H is supposed to take DS on Wednesday and Friday until Sunday for this week's visitation. I got my weeks confused and told DS that his daddy was taking him to his appointment Thursday, which DS wanted. For whatever reason H wants to take DS tomorrow instead of Wednesday. Which is fine, but he is also still planning to take DS to his appointment Thursday. That's what I meant by extra time, not that it will be all that much extra time, just an hour plus the appointment.

[Abbey]

Catching up again.

Mystik... walk away from this SOB. Sigh... his letter to you was a self indulgent rewriting of history with absolutely NO admission, let alone realization that it was HE who is responsible for this crap.

Do NOT let him appease his own guilt on your back. Friends? Tell him to screw off.

Seriously I say this again... the relationship with the husband stealing whore is doomed. That's a given. NOW though, what you are doing is giving him opportunity to find reasons to put the blame on you. He's seeing a side of you that makes it easy to toss all his crap on your shoulders.

Note what I'm not saying... I'm not saying this is justified... and that you deserve his stupidity. Only that in his demented screwed up in the head mentality... the justification looks for cracks to poke at. You've got those cracks right now. Time to start filling them in.

Time for you to pick yourself up and become the person that only a total moron would not want to be with. Right now, that's not the focus you've got going on. I know how hard this is for you. I KNOW. It's a daunting task, but you have to do it. Not for anyone else... but for you.

Time for the shake up sweetie... I know that the depression is ripping you to shreds. You need to get angry at him... at this... and not internalize... let it out. BE Proactive. Stop crying for a man who needs a kick in the balls... repeatedly.

As for you... Lose weight or gain it, gain muscle, change your hair ... just do what every you need to start to do to move to the next stage. You don't have to make it easy for stupid H... you need to start to learn to make it easier for you. GET MAD sweetie... this is HIS fault. He's not going to acknowledge what you need him to right now. Your focus should be... what do I have to do for me to make me magnetic, irresistible. Those are the kinds of things that should the stars align... he'll WANT to acknowledge all the crappy things he's done to you and your child and family.

Pick yourself up. *hugs hugs hugs* Each day one minute more, one minute at a time and get yourself back. He'll be sniffing around again at some point, just not right now. Neither of you are ready. YOU are not ready.

If the 2 of you never get on the same track again (and I'm still not convinced he won't be sniffing around in the future)... the only person you need to concern yourself with is YOU. Screw him, screw the husband stealing whore and screw his wish that you two can be friends. He wants friendship in order to not have to answer for his past deeds. Screw him, screw that. *smile*

If something isn't working... CHANGE IT ... remember? The pleading, unhappy Mystik isn't drawing the boy back. So now it's time to change the channel. You CAN do this.

Hugs
Abbey

[Mystik]

Abbey, read your words and am mulling over them frequently.

[Mystik]

This week has been extra busy it seems. This is the first I've really had an opportunity to sit and post.

Tuesday night exchange was ok. H was trying to be funny, but I didn't laugh. I asked where DS's bag was and H said he didn't know what I was talking about, then laughed and put it in the car. I didn't even crack a smile. I had my sister's dog with me so he pet the dog and asked me a question about him, then left.

I don't think there was any contact Wednesday.

Thursday was the therapy session, I got there late. H set up an appointment for DS where he is going to be bringing the whore. Therapy went ok, I told the therapist about H's initial idea of having me, him and whore in the room with DS and she was stunned. Said that would not be good for DS, his anxiety would be through the roof and he'd be worried about me, and trying to get H's attention off the whore. She said it would be good for her to see DS around Whore to know how he interacts with her, and how she is with him. Apparently they were talking about when DS was a baby and before he was born before I got there. Therapist told H it was good to incorporate DS into planning for the Whore's baby, not bringing him to appointments but talking about preparing for it. H said that whenever he tries to talk to DS about it DS gets silly, which is what DS does when he doesn't want to talk about whatever you're trying to get him to talk about. DS was being silly, saying if I won Candyland he would die. H asked if that was what I meant when I said DS was fascinted with death and I said no, that when DS gets in trouble he thinks I want him dead. So the therapist talked to him about that for a bit, and I think H finally understood that it's more than just DS joking around.

I set up another appointment for DS and me next Friday. I kept catching H glancing at me during the session. It was bittersweet to reminisce about my pregnancy and DS's infancy with H, I hope it makes him think about what he is doing to me, what he walked away from. After the session we walked out to the cars together, I didn't say anything. I did ask him if he knew when he would be able to pay me back and he said he didn't know.

No contact from him since.

[par4me]

Mystic, I haven't seen you in awhile. Hope you are doing good. My situation has gotten completely crazy. My ex left husband and filed for annullment. She tried to kill herself last night by ODing. She was released from hospital and no one would go get her from the hospital so I did. She is laying on my couch right now. Not sure what I am going to do. I wanted her back so bad but not this way. She is still mentally shot. I am putting her back in detox and rehab Monday. Maybe it will take this time. I just don't know.

[Mystik]

Posted in your thread, Par. Hope it all works out.

[Mystik]

Have noticed a recurring theme in my dreams... weak legs. This week I dreamt at least twice that I was trying to walk or run and my legs kept collapsing under me to the point that I gave up on walking/running and just started to crawl. In one dream I was crawling army-style because my legs were just so weak. I looked up online what weak legs mean and one site said emotional vulnerability. Another site said "If your legs are painful, weak or injured, you are having difficulty moving forward. You may be feeling unstable or afraid. If your legs do not work at all, you may feel powerless or crippled."

Both meanings are quite accurate. I do feel very vulnerable and powerless, unable to move forward. And now that I'm having more, for lack of a better word, lucid, moments I do wonder if some of it is fear preventing me. I don't know what's out there so I'll cling to what is familiar, even if it is painful.

[Mystik]

The exchange went ok. H had me driving all over the place, though. He called me before I left to change from regular place to another mall not too far from the regular one. I agreed, then headed out. A few minutes later he called to change it again to WalMart, this time in the complete opposite direction of the first two places. Since I hadn't even reached the highway yet I said that was fine. So I get to two minutes from WalMart and H calls again to say he needed me to meet him at the regular exchange place, said that SIL was in town and couldn't make up her mind where she was going to be. I wasn't happy but just said I'd meet him there and left it at that. I got there and H apologized again for making me run all over the place, I simply said "Ok". Gave him some computer CDs that I had determined were his when I went through a stack of old CDs last night, he asked where they came from so I told him. He then said good-bye to DS and said to me, "Mystik, I'll talk to you later" and then left.

Not expecting any contact from H until Tuesday night's exchange. But at the same time I want him to contact me.

[newmama]

Mystik, I just quickly scanned your thread but I am seeing the weaker you currently. It feels like you are stuck in one of those currents where you don't go anywhere but in a circle, even though you are paddling! Like your dream about weak legs!

So I realize you might not want to keep getting advice and maybe you just are using this thread to journal. But Bluestar and Abbey (among others) are giving you very good suggestions.

You don't have to give up on wanting your marriage, but DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! which is what it appears is happening...
(((Mystik)))

[Mystik]

NM,

I do use the thread a lot to journal, write things out to clear my mind a bit and also to get feedback. Right now I'm not feeling that helpless stuck feeling. I'm feeling more... inquisitive, pondering why I'm having so much trouble.