We met in 1997 Started Dating in 2000 Had our First baby in 2001 He proposed in 2002 We married in 2003 Had second baby in 2004 Moved to another state in early 2005 Built our first home in 2006 Found out he was cheating at the end of 2008 and I forgave him All of 2009 was fine we were suppose to be moving forward (also found out we were expecting) January 1st 2010 Found out he had another email that he created and was on sex sites again My husband is 32 and I'm 31
So, this is my story hopefully you all can follow along. I never for once thought that my husband would ever cheat because he despised men who did so the thought of him doing so never crossed my mind. When I found out about his affairs at the end of 2008 I forgave him because in my mind I wasn't letting anyone destroy what we had together because no one is perfect. His reasons for cheating was because I'm too clingy, he didn't have a life outside of us (his family), I wanted to be under him all the time, I never went out and had time with my friends and had a life outside of my family, etc.
All of 2009 was great or so I thought. We started praying together, eating together as a family and just overall enjoying life. What I didn't realize that although I thought we were fine he had created another profile on a sex site in April of 2009 and two other email addys that I knew nothing about. We found out in November that we were expecting another child (our third) and we were both very excited.
January 1st of 2010 I had to use his phone because mine was dead and that's where I saw that he had created another email address. When I confronted him about it he instantly blew up and said that he wanted a divorce. I'm like "really" because I found out that you have a new email address are you serious ? He's like "I'm not happy". I couldn't believe my ears. A few days later he said we could work on it and he wanted us all to be happy even if he wasn't. He stated that he suppressed the "true" him for 10 years and he feels as if he's in a box.
February of 2010 I found out that he had a secret phone and a box of condoms stashed in his truck. When I found the phone I noticed that he sends and receives naked pictures. He was pissed that I found the phone and went to stay in a hotel room that night. The next day he pushed me off the bed while I was 4 months pregnant because he was upset that I found the phone. He then proceeded to call the police on me (I was hysterical that he pushed me off the bed but he told them I was going crazy). So, he called them and they were going to take ME to a mental institution. I could not believe that he would actually lie and I was still protecting him by not telling them what he did because I knew they would lock him up. They didn't take me thankfully after they saw that I was just upset about my recent findings. He left that night to stay in a hotel room then went to stay at his dads for awhile. After about a week or so he came back home and we tried to just be cordial to one another.
March of 2010 he left for good because I called the police on him. He told me he would choke me until I couldn't breathe anymore. He has not been here physically since. He says he hates coming here. He doesn't spend time with our two kids. He doesn't go to any of my doctors visits and if he ask what's going on and I tell him he seems frustrated.
April of 2010 his mom died. He came to get the kids and I to attend the funeral and he had pictures of our family in the program and he made a speech that included his wife and kids. When he introduced me he said "his wife". He even held my hand as we walked into the service. It was weird. That night at the repass he was drinking, smoking and telling his family how he was going out with his boys and he was going to screw every woman he saw. He didn't know that I was standing right there and heard him. At this point he had not spent anytime with his sons or anything. He went out that night and didn't come back in until 7 that morning. I seriously thought that with his mom passing that would soften his heart and he would realize that life is too short and his beautiful family was a true blessing. It only hardened his heart even more.
So, I've been going through this pregnancy alone. I have no family here. I'm high risk and should be on total bedrest but I can't because I have no help. He doesn't care what the doctors say. I tell him and it's falling on deaf ears. He's changed the accounts. We had one joint account and he made a private account just for him. Only deposits what he THINKS we need. He still purchases hotel rooms and the such on our joint account. I'm not sure if that because he wants me to see what he's doing so that I can "get it" or what but I will tell you it hurts really bad.
I'm so depressed I don't know if I'm going or coming. He's able to come and go here as he pleases because I can't legally change the locks on the house unless we are divorced. I recently changed my number so that I guarantee that we have no contact what so ever. It really didn't matter because he told me to never call him unless he called or texted me. He's so cruel to me. If you saw him in action you would truly think that I'm the one that cheated and he's pissed off at me instead of the other way around. I did all the wrong things in the beginning by begging, pleading, crying, etc.
I had my first phone counseling with a divorce bust counselor this past Friday and she gave me some insight on my sitch and a few goals to do.
Right now your first priority is your children and your unborn one. Can you go back home or somewhere that you have a better support system? Take care of yourself right now because he is currently incapable of doing so.
Remember...he should be taking care of YOU not the other way around. And the fact that he threatened you bodily harm is a warning. Next time it may not be a warning. Do you want to put your unborn child's life in danger like that?
Concentrate on the kids first, your H after.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Naturallyblessed, I am so sorry you are here. This happened to me, Piano, Jstar and is happening to Gatsby and BD (well their H's don't have OWs but walked out on them while pregnant). SO you can find their threads for support as well.
Do you think perhaps oyour H is having an MLC? It can happen at any age...if so, then you might want to ALSO copy and paste your story in the MLC forum and start a thread so the vets there can help you out!
So my advice for now is to just avoid conflict with him right now...was he close to his mom? Is he pretty grief stricken?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I'm sorry I checked back after posting this and didn't see any post so I didn't know anyone responded.
~ I had my baby a week ago and my mom was here with me. He was there but texting the other women shortly after I had my princess. I found that to be quite disrespectful.
~ I am still in the house that we purchased together but he comes and goes as he so chooses which I feel my kids and I are being used as doormats.
~ I had to take my baby for an ultrasound Monday and he would not take us. I'm not to drive this early and I have no one out here (family wise) and so I had to drive myself and my three kids to her ultrasound with no help. He then texted and said that if a man took me that I better not think of coming back to the house and he should take care of us. Now, I didn't mention any man nor have I had contact with another man so I found that to be confusing.
~ The next day he texted and said that no man is allowed around his kids with the exception of his dad and him.
~ I don't text him unless he text me and even then it depends on what he has said in his text.
~ I still want my marriage to work but it seems hopeless with me being the only one working on it and praying (standing for my marriage).
Answers to questions asked:
newmama- It could very well be a mid life crisis but I don't really know. I thought it happened later on in life but I'll try posting this in MLC and see what they say. He wasn't very close to his mom, but he loved her to death. He doesn't seem to be grief stricken that I have noticed. I mean if he was would he be all over the place with other women? Who knows?
MrBond- I was staying so that my kids could have a relationship with their dad which isn't happening. He hasn't even helped after the birth of our last child a week ago. I'm so exhausted it's not even funny. I haven't texted or called asking him for help other than him taking us to the doctor which he didn't so oh well. My mom was here for the birth which was a blessing!
Last edited by naturallyblessed; 07/23/1010:44 PM.
I'm getting so discouraged. It's so hard doing this alone with three kids one of them being a newborn. How can he live with himself knowing that I have no family here and hasn't offered to help at all. All I get is text that say "everything okay" and my response is always "Yes" because if he's not offering why should I ask.
As far as I can tell, in reading your entire history, I don't ever see where you EVER laid out any boundaries or consequences whatsoever for each of your husband's affairs. Any time he has left the house and the marraige, he's been allowed back in, with no boundaries in place.
Why does he do what he's doing now? Hint: it's the same reason why dogs lick themselves.
Puppy - Thanks for stopping by my sitch! The reason he's doing what he's doing is because "he can" or I'm allowing it so to speak. What type boundaries should I have in place or should be in place for his type of behavior?
The best would be, when he asks back into your home and into your life, for you to say "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore." Then let him twist for a week or so, and then let him come back WITH CONDITIONS:
- sends no-contact letter to OW - complete transparency with you -- cellphone, computer passwords, etc. - agrees to go to MC with you
That sort of thing. If he refuses, then you tell him he's not welcome back in the home.
Had you done that, you wouldn't be in this boat. The good news is, you still have the opportunity to lay out your boundaries.
Found out he was cheating at the end of 2008 and I forgave him
I think this was the warning. It took my former husband 20 years to do it to me again but he DID. It was just a matter of time before yours let it ruin your marriage too.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
