. . . . aaaaaand now for . . . the rest of the story.
Tonight we had a big talk. Went from her accusing me of being grouchy and snappish to me pointing out how much more snappish she's been to her admitting that she's felt lousy for days; first she said the heat got to her, then she said she didn't know what was going on, then she admitted that she quit smoking four days ago. She smoked for years, "quit" when we got serious, then actually quit when she got pregnant, and maybe 6-9 months ago began sneaking cigarettes again about the time she started going out for "girls' nights." She tried to hide this at first, but I figured she's a grown-up and she can sneak a cigarette on a Saturday night if she wants. Then it became several, then she started having one in the evening, and lately she's really been a pretty steady if light daily smoker.
So she decided she's been smoking too much and she really ought to quit . . . but not to tell me, for some reason I didn't get out of her.
In any case, I kicked the whole thing off by asking whether she was feeling pressured again. The short story is yes, she is. I told her I would think about that and do my best to minimize pressure, but I wasn't going to betray my integrity, nor do I expect her to do so. I'm sure the nicotine fits aren't helping when her husband brings up sex again.
I'm being cautious here because I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on her, and I'm happy to back it down if it will help . . . but I also will not sacrifice my integrity. I won't pretend I don't want sex.
It felt a little like old times tonight. This afternoon she said something about going to bed later, and I said something suggestive. I don't really remember what, but I think it was respectful and loving, just something like "I can't wait" and maybe I waggled my eyebrows a little, as is often my wont. She said something she hasn't said to me in a while: "Is that all you ever think about?"
I have to admit, I went right back to taking things personally. I think she meant this at least half-jokingly. Maybe she thought it would be funny banter. But I thought we were getting past the point where she turns down sex by making fun of me. When she tells me "no," I don't smile and say "Don't you ever think about sex?" It'd be awfully hurtful. But maybe the only difference is that I realize that's hurtful and not a funny joke, and she doesn't. I do realize that one difference is that for years I didn't take a straightforward "No, I don't want to do that tonight" as the end of the conversation. Now I would . . . and now I wish she would just say that . . . but now I have to deal with the fact that I taught her to deflect me by hurting me with funny little quips like "Do you have to do that?" and "Don't you ever think about anything else?" So I'm trying.
But in the spirit of venting, I did tell her that yes, as a matter of fact, I do think of other things sometimes. Today, for instance, I've spent time thinking about: breakfast lunch dinner cooking barbecue chicken in the crock pot for dinner Terry Pratchett Willie Nelson Garth Brooks They Might Be Giants Beethoven This American Life people who represent themselves in court psychiatry people who pretend to be mentally ill to avoid jail sentences, then find themselves unable to get out of their mental institutions science pseudoscience vaccinations autism chelation chemistry dental amalgams, controversy surrounding political volunteering opportunities meeting with lobbyist and grassroots activists next week revisions to a proposed bill landscaping/mowing/weeding working out (cardio day) gunsmithing rifle types (AK47 vs. AR15) Russian history American history ballistics USPSA rules power factors proud of my friend who won his local Steel Challenge happy birthday to another friend I haven't seen in a long time religion, multiculturalism, and the intersection with the American justice system (in the case of a man who was acquitted of sexual assault charges in New Jersey because the trial judge ruled that he had no criminal intent (though he admittedly raped his wife while she cried and refused him) because he believed that his religion allowed him to do so Taking S14K to the pool Figuring out what's eating S14D (I think it's hormones?) changing S3 getting S3 to pee on the potty playing with S3 making S3 lunch drawing pictures with S3 swordfighting with S3
That's probably not even exhaustive, but off the top of my head . . . I get that she feels pressure. But the fact is that I mentioned sex twice yesterday and one time today. None of the rest of that counts for anything when she needs to see me as one-dimensional and sex-obsessed, but I'm not. I *do* have a life, and most of it doesn't revolve around sex (though that doesn't mean my thoughts never stray to sex during those other times, just that I'm actually a fairly busy, complex guy whether she's always able to appreciate it or not.) She actually told me that these things don't really count because I don't talk to her about them. The truth is, I do talk to her about them, of course. Some of them we had conversations about, and some of them I tried to talk about and she tuned me out or blew me off. For example, the idea of steampunk design. A friend is building a really cool couch that's going to have steampunk elements that I thought were really cool (without getting too detailed, think Victorian steampunk airships. Cool, right?) She said, "Yeah, I guess," and went on to something else. I was OK with that; I wasn't expecting a deep conversation about some nerd's steampunk couch. But where it goes off the rails is when she comes back hours later and accuses me of not talking to her about it . . . she doesn't get to blow my conversation off and then complain that I didn't have a conversation with her. If she wants to have a conversation, but she's not interested in the ones I'm starting, she could just start a conversation about something else. It seems silly.
It all feels a little silly, since I just finished writing up this celebration of how connected we were and she was apparently busy hiding resentment and feeling pressured. Pride goeth before the fall, I guess. But I do insist that we're doing so much better than we used to; we were able to have this conversation, and she cried a little and I got a little angry, but we stuck with it and we had our conversation. And I was able to tell her honestly that I know she loves me as much as I love her, even if I don't always understand how her mind works. And I realized that I really do believe that now, which made me realize that for a long time I truly did not. Allin all I really am grateful for the progress we've made . . . but it clearly doesn't pay to get ahead of myself.
