Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

This week has been extra busy it seems. This is the first I've really had an opportunity to sit and post.

Tuesday night exchange was ok. H was trying to be funny, but I didn't laugh. I asked where DS's bag was and H said he didn't know what I was talking about, then laughed and put it in the car. I didn't even crack a smile. I had my sister's dog with me so he pet the dog and asked me a question about him, then left.

I don't think there was any contact Wednesday.

Thursday was the therapy session, I got there late. H set up an appointment for DS where he is going to be bringing the whore. Therapy went ok, I told the therapist about H's initial idea of having me, him and whore in the room with DS and she was stunned. Said that would not be good for DS, his anxiety would be through the roof and he'd be worried about me, and trying to get H's attention off the whore. She said it would be good for her to see DS around Whore to know how he interacts with her, and how she is with him. Apparently they were talking about when DS was a baby and before he was born before I got there. Therapist told H it was good to incorporate DS into planning for the Whore's baby, not bringing him to appointments but talking about preparing for it. H said that whenever he tries to talk to DS about it DS gets silly, which is what DS does when he doesn't want to talk about whatever you're trying to get him to talk about. DS was being silly, saying if I won Candyland he would die. H asked if that was what I meant when I said DS was fascinted with death and I said no, that when DS gets in trouble he thinks I want him dead. So the therapist talked to him about that for a bit, and I think H finally understood that it's more than just DS joking around.

I set up another appointment for DS and me next Friday. I kept catching H glancing at me during the session. It was bittersweet to reminisce about my pregnancy and DS's infancy with H, I hope it makes him think about what he is doing to me, what he walked away from. After the session we walked out to the cars together, I didn't say anything. I did ask him if he knew when he would be able to pay me back and he said he didn't know.

No contact from him since.