CW, This is my first chance to comment on your convo with H yesterday. Well done!!!!
From my read ....and based on my experience with an MLC XH, I see some major points: ---you now know that one area of leverage you have with your H is your home. It sounds as though your house holds special significance to your H. ---it sounds as though the house is a thread, that in addition to your children, connects you with H. This is VERY good, and important info for you as you DB. I have followed "AliSuddenly's" thread for the last 1 1/2 years. Her BF had MLC but they got back together after 18 months and just got married 1 week ago. Her "wise mum" always told her that she should nurture the thin threads that she had with BF during their time apart...........she did and that's what brought them back together. These threads with H are a connection that OW doesn't have with your H. --you now know that your H is willing to admit that he is not totaly happy. This is HUGE! It is remarkable that he is willing to admit this to you. --it sounds as though he is not being really unreasonable, so that is VERY good. He is not being a total alien.
I know that you need to make your decision re: the house based on economic circumstances. I am not trying to persuade you to make any specific decision. My feedback is based on my read of your description of your meeting with H. You have good instincts. Follow your inner voice.
.......and keep being the woman that H would be a fool to leave.
I'm curious.......do you have any idea what stage of MLC your H might be in?
From what I have read and been told, as long as there is OW then the MLCer is in replay.
On the house...some things I have thought (I know I shouldn't try to guess or mind read) Does he not want us to move cause this is a good place to store his stuff? Cause S14 has an old car in the second garage and if we moved, we wouldn't have a place to store it?
I didn't post this but one of his reason's for us to stay was because of the animals...we'd have to find a place that took dogs/cat and would be hard to find etc. My H has always had some kind of animal...he's had lizards of all kinds, he had a mountain lion (before I met him) he had birds and has always had a dog and a cat) so they are important to him.
On him admitting he is not happy, the thought has crossed my mind that he didn't want to hurt my feelings so is acting like it is not all perfect...
Gee, am I negative today or what!
When I think about it without the negativity, I can see what you are seeing...I have some time to think on the house so hurry there...I also remember a while back when H was acting so dang happy right after he filed D papers and I haven't seen that in him, at least, not consistently...
Thankyou so much for posting your feedback GAG!!! How are things going with your H? Do you have a thread?
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
On him admitting he is not happy, the thought has crossed my mind that he didn't want to hurt my feelings so is acting like it is not all perfect...
Hi back CW, ......even if the above was true (and we don't know for certain because we can't read their minds, right?)........that would certainly show a level of consideration for your feelings, which is much more than a lot of LBSers get from their WASs.
Do you still have animals at your house? It sounds as though animals may be another potential thread to link you to H.
Originally Posted By: courageous wife
I also remember a while back when H was acting so dang happy right after he filed D papers and I haven't seen that in him, at least, not consistently...
It sounds as though the universe is teaching your H some lessons. Stand back and let others teach him these lessons. That way he can't blame you for his unhappiness........I know that you know this and from what I know of your situation you have been doing a good job of this.
Here's an example from my situation of what can happen when we step back and let the universe teach. My XH has had a BMF for the past 30 years who is pretty narcissistic and has no moral compass. I really think that XH has been emotionally connected to this BMF because BMF has many traits that his alcoholic mother had. I think that BMF had a lot to do with encouraging XH to walk away from our M........Well, tonight XH told me that he and BMF have not been speaking for several weeks. (This is highly unusual for them. They were always thick as thieves.) I am hoping that this means that XH is finally able to see BMF for the person that he is.
Originally Posted By: courageous wife
How are things going with your H? Do you have a thread?
Thank you CW! You are very kind to ask. I had a thread last fall in Newcomers and probably need to move it over to MLC and begin posting again. I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately because of the recent unexpected positive movement in my sitch...........the quiet times with no communication that have occurred after our positive interactions have affected me more than I would like. ..........and I have been afraid to jinx things by posting........It's very strange to see, but after almost 2 years of DB'ing, I am beginning to see flashes of the H that I knew before. I think that we are moving into solid friendship territory. After kayaking together on July 4th weekend, his sister invited me to lunch last saturday. I served her brunch on the patio. XH visited with us briefly (it was really, really strange but the XH I saw then acted just like a high school boy.....I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes).....the next day he e-mailed me a chatty e-mail and ended it saying "We should play ping pong sometime" (ping pong is one of the thin threads between us).......Well, we played ping pong and spent almost 2 hours together this evening (we laughed and joked the whole time ---- almost like we were never apart)......Then as we were walking to our cars to leave, I told XH I was planning to see the movie Salt tomorrow after work and he said "Why don't I call you. Maybe we can go together". I said "Yes! I'd like that".
WOW! So in my situation, we are moving from a dynamic in which I always initiated, and XH held back.....to him initiating too. .........I don't know what is going to happen with us, but if I learn any nuggets as we move forward I will be sure to pass them on.
GAG, Yes, please get a thread going over here. You have lots of valuable advice and an interesting sitch to share.
Does your H have an ow?
From what I understand it is normal (is that even a word associated with MLC?) for them to withdraw back into the tunnel for a while after contact.
CW - JMO here, but if your H admitted he's not happy I would tend to believe him. They're all about themselves during this crisis and I don't think he's taking anyone's feelings into consideration except his own. This is what I've read and experienced with my own H.
Yes, we do still have animals...2 dogs, a cat and an aquarium. We lost the guinea pig and hamster in January.
Hi SA
I agree that GAG should start a thread if she wants too...don't want to jinx anything!
I want to respond more but my kids are here and cleaning their rooms and going up and down, they feel they need to tell me about everything they are doing!!! So, needless to say I cannot concentrate!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
ok...I think I might have a little time to write something!
I keep thinking about the "don't believe anything they say"! And then, I think about that he said he is unhappy about some things like not seeing the kids so the old confused wife wants to know what he IS happy about? I KNOW...I am working very hard at keeping my mind outta that one! And, truly, it doesn't matter! I have 2x4'd myself...I promise!!! Just needed to admit that I thought that and move on!!!
Most of the time, I do very well! I honestly don't think about him and OW at all anymore. I don't even really think about him that much except when I am alone and not keeping myself busy and even then, those thoughts aren't so much "I love him so much and miss him so much and I want him to come home and everything to be the same" eeewww!!!
GAG
I LOVE how you and your exh are getting to know each other again and slowly reconnecting, little by little! And...on your H acting like a highschooler...Hearts Blessing has written about MLCer's having different aged personalities within them at different stages in MLC...she calls them the "children"...do you believe that your H is in MLC and this might be part of that?
Well, kids are gone with their Dad tonight...going to enjoy a beer and watch "It's Complicated". Waiting for SS and DIL to drop off some fresh sweet corn...yum!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
going to enjoy a beer and watch "It's Complicated".
I saw that C-dub you'll enjoy it I think.
I love Alec Baldwin. To me he will always be the a$$hole sales guy in Glengary Glen Ross:
"put that coffee down! Coffee is for closers!"
Listen we all (all of of us) don't have moments of
Originally Posted By: C-Dub
what he IS happy about?
It is only that we stay the course.
That is the goal.
An airplane flying from LA to Hawaii has to correct multitudinous(no way Jack could spell that <<<<) times but it ends up getting to the destination all the same...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
GAG ........And...on your H acting like a highschooler...Hearts Blessing has written about MLCer's having different aged personalities within them at different stages in MLC...she calls them the "children"...do you believe that your H is in MLC and this might be part of that
CW, yes, for most of this time I didn't feel that I knew with certainty whether XH was a WAS or MCLer. Over the past few months I've become pretty certain he is having a MLC. Last week I looked at HeartsBlessing's MLC stages thread again and for the first time feel like I have a strong sense where XH is now. I think he is now in the early stage of Acceptance.....but I've read in many threads that the stages overlap.......and I am also aware that MCLers tend to duck back into the tunnel when they become uncomfortable. Over the past few weeks I have seen "multiple personalities" in XH. Very weird. When we played table tennis thursday evening we interacted very much like the old days......The next day XH sent me a long, newsy e-mail that was very much like the old H I still love dearly. We went to a movie together last night (his suggestion). We leaned over to whisper in each others ears throughout the movie just like the old days. ..........Now here is the interesting part.... Before the movie, he invited me for a drink. He seemed a bit more uncomfortable at that point. At one point he started talking about how his facial features look old. Said that he didn't realize he had jowls until I had told him that a couple years ago (guilty.....but one of the few derogatory things I ever said to him) and said his first wife made a derogatory comment about his heavy eyelids. Seemed saddened about the aging of his facial features. It was so textbook I couldn't believe it.
Sorry for the highjack CW. Thought you would be interested in XH's overt concern about aging.
