W has not been to church since the exposure 8 weeks ago, and would go regularly before that. Under the premise that nothing bad can come from church, I invited her to church with D8 and I. She refused saying she would go alone because I stole her fathers heart. Then out of the blue on Saturday she invites herself to church yesterday. So we went, it was a decent service about facing problems that seem impossible, with confidence because god will be there to fight the battle for you. She took notes, not sure why. I can’t see her trying to turn a sermon into something that supports infidelity, but weirder things have happened.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
No big news here, just doing what I can to detach better, and GAL. Yesterday I only initiated contact one time, and that was to tell D8 goodnight, and did not speak with W except,” I would like to say goodnight to D”. So far today, she initiated only contact, it had to do with D8 summer camp, I answered it and did not try to further the conversation.
How do you know when the ignoring them is working?
I also got a hold of our real estate agent, a long time family friend, to pick his brain on options in case I have to give house back to bank or short-sell. He has a lawyer friend that deals with this stuff all the time. For $150 he will meet with us for an hour and let us know all options. Seems reasonable. W found folder that agent left under the mat at my house(the one we own together, as opposed to her rented town home), and TM me that it was there, wanted to know if our friend the agent hated her now also(assuming I told him of the A), I said, “no, he is just worried for us”. The other night when she had my sign ‘notice of service’ for D documents I asked why we had to rush it, she said,’ I’m tired of getting dirty looks from everyone, like I’m a slut, or a whore.’ I had no response. How do you guys read that?
I also scheduled a meeting with a bankruptcy L to see what, if anything I/we can do there if necessary. Seems a bit like W is a little uncomfortable with it, not sure if it is the fact that she doesn’t want to ruin her credit(most likely) or that she sees that I’m accepting the finality of the D process.
Lastly, I am reading thru QS thread, and there was mention of taking down marriage pictures. I still have ours up in the house, do you suggest taking them down? And help me understand the reasons please?
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
How do you know when the ignoring them is working?
Opti,
"Going dark" is not "ignoring them," nor is MWD's concept of "detachment."
And you don't do it so it "works," you do it because it's healthier for YOU to detach yourself from their destructive outcomes.
The best way I had someone describe it to me once is, "You should walk down the path, always shining a light back towards your marraige, but walking on nonetheless. Do NOT constantly look back over your shoulder to see if she is following you! If you do that, it's really just "pursuing" (albeit from the front, rather than behind).
Rather, every once in awhile, stop along your path to rest, and PEEK to see if she is following you. If she is, smile and move on, resuming your walk and content to know that you are having some effect. And if she NOT, smile and move on anyway, knowing that what you are doing is best for YOU."
A wayward wife is like a watched pot. It's never going to boil if you watch it.
There were these two questions from above I was hoping for some clarification on:
Quote:
wanted to know if our friend the agent hated her now also(assuming I told him of the A), I said, “no, he is just worried for us”. The other night when she had my sign ‘notice of service’ for D documents I asked why we had to rush it, she said,’ I’m tired of getting dirty looks from everyone, like I’m a slut, or a whore.’ I had no response. How do you guys read that?
Quote:
Lastly, I am reading thru QS thread, and there was mention of taking down marriage pictures. I still have ours up in the house, do you suggest taking them down? And help me understand the reasons please?
She instigated all contact yesterday, mostly to coordinate drop-off and pickup of D8. But, when I was headed to the gym, W and D8 pulled into nieghborhood, and it was 9:20 pm, so I parked quick to say goodnight to D8. She was crying about an abrasion she got at one of her friends, I comforted her and said goodnight in W's foyer. Then I looked at wife as was going out the door and simply said 'bye'. Then sent TM to let her know if D8 asked for me or needed anything to let me know. Short and nothing about W.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
Just a couple new things. Today was my day with DD’s, and I did not instigate any contact. She must of got bored and/or curious and started TM me about 11 am. I kept all answers very short, and made sure they invited no replies. She sent quite a few throughout the day, enough that I got tired of replying. I’m thinking of just going to a no TM format with her. It might piss her off, but she is using TM to make sure she doesn’t talk to me. Then again, maybe it’s best I leave it like it is, and keep doing my thing, and leave her to be the curious one. Or a hybrid, where I only answer a few of them? I don’t know - input welcome.
Also got a new IC. I go to a very large church, and their member services gave me a few names. I asked them for someone who was a Christian(all were, lol), and one that was very pro-marriage(again, big surprise all were), but the one they recommended I saw today, and looks to be a very knowledgeable man. I’m going to see him next week also, he says he has helped a lot of people through this journey, and has a very mannerism about him. He believes in standing, to a healthy point, and a very faith based outlook.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
The whole separation thing is really setting in. I dropped DD’s off with W, and felt awful, knowing I would see very little if anything of them until Tuesday night. I know that I get to see them a lot more than some people get to see theirs, but it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks.
It will be interesting to see if we go to church tomorrow. I’m still trying to figure that whole thing out. Is she going to show the girls she is a good person, or to ask for forgiveness and god’s acceptance of her affair (which is stupid, I know), or to enjoy the service with me? It is very intriguing.
I hope you are all having a good weekend.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
I feel I’m just sitting on death row waiting for the 90 day state waiting period to expire. W went to required childcare during a D class yesterday, and I will need to go also, I was supposed to go with her, but apparently she chose to go alone.
She invited her dad and his W over for dinner for tonight at her place, but then cancelled on them last minute, and has left to spend the night at OM’s. If she is trying to get back in their good graces, I think stuff like that will backfire on her. Her dad and step-mom do not want anything to do with OM at this point, and continue to disagree strongly with the decisions she is making.
We go to see a bankruptcy L tomorrow to see what options are there for us. I’m concerned we make to much for a chapter 7, and I don’t want to go 13. We also need to set an appointment with the foreclosure L too, to see if maybe just the house goes back. I’m hearing that if we stop making payments on the house that we will most likely be able to go 6-12 months in the house without payments, hopefully if that’s the case, I can save some up for a down payment for something else someday.
I continue to GAL with the gym and church being the main distractions, they are both becoming things I look forward to. I have friends wanting to take me out and do things, but I don’t drink, so that kinda cuts into a lot of that stuff. I need to start golfing again, I was in a tournament yesterday and had a good time. I miss it a lot. Normally 1-2 times a week, but since this mess started, Iv’e only gone three times in three months.
Oh ya, she did not go to church Sunday either.
AND, I’m awfully lonely these days.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
We go to see a bankruptcy L tomorrow to see what options are there for us. I’m concerned we make to much for a chapter 7, and I don’t want to go 13. We also need to set an appointment with the foreclosure L too, to see if maybe just the house goes back. I’m hearing that if we stop making payments on the house that we will most likely be able to go 6-12 months in the house without payments, hopefully if that’s the case, I can save some up for a down payment for something else someday.
Opti,
If you want to swap some notes, I could use some updated info on bankruptcy and I could give you a ton of info on strategic default. Maybe we could swap e-mails in the alt.
btw, I would let your FIL know that his daughter blew him off for a date with the OM. There's no sense covering for her anymore.
