She's 47 I'm 45. Married almost 17 years. Together 18.
We've had a great life until the last 5 years or so. I now know I have been dealing with mlc and acute depression.
She, has been on about a 2 year run of premenopause. It's finally come to a head. Now bear in mind, I've been oblivious of any of this. Stuck in a fog of alcohol abuse, failed mlc business etc.etc. ad nauseum.
She dropped the S bomb on me 7-16-10 so I'm pretty fresh.
I found this site that nite and Saturday morning as I tried to find the answers. It was a relief initially for me.
Then, the more I read of the stages of marriage and the stuff we're going through, it dawned on me that it would be a giant waste to throw this away. I feel that we just need to get past this hump and it could be pure magic!
BTW, we're almost empty nesters. Last S of 15 and a daughter that's 23 still living at home. I married her with 3 D2,S1 and we had another.
The 23yo is getting married this oct. at our home.
So, in home seperation. We have sep. bedrooms. My snoring and her MLS.
We can't afford sep. places. And she just wants to ride it out until after the wedding.
She's silent right now and angry. I have to watch the tone of my voice, it's like startling a fawn.
I've never laid a hand on my wife but I have been snide, verbally abusive and just a plain ol' depressed bonehead.
I was lucky that I found this that night. It's kept me from any emotional out bursts other than last saturday I did a bit of blubbering.
I want my beautiful best friend back.
I want her to look at me with respect and love in her eyes again.
I want to change me to be a better man for her and my self.
I do not want these kids to see us do this terrible thing.
Any questions, and I'll try to amswer promptly.
As far as I know there's no om at this point. She is part of a group of women that are extremely close. So, she has plenty of support.
I have a brother for an ear, and that's it. Well, now you fine folks.
Well thank you for the kind words. My DR showed up yesterday. I do not see any good coming from the both of us living there.
One needs to move. Luckily, I've got a brother close that I think will let hang out and I'm going to go right to moving out and GAL. Work on me and get to where I need to be.
Bro's house is close enough that my son can spend alot of time with me.
Well thank you for the kind words. My DR showed up yesterday. I do not see any good coming from the both of us living there.
One needs to move. Luckily, I've got a brother close that I think will let hang out and I'm going to go right to moving out and GAL. Work on me and get to where I need to be.
Bro's house is close enough that my son can spend alot of time with me.
Let me be the first to say it: DO NOT MOVE OUT!
Give her space and relax and GAL and everything else you read here and in MWD's books, but do not move anywhere. How could that possibly help? What signal does that send to your wife?
Moving out is the worst thing to save the marriage. read your book and get a plan. Change you self and your ways. It is alot easier when someone is looking at you daily to see changes then seeing you weekly or monthly.
I know it seems obvious but my DB coach reminded me to think about each and every thing I say to my W right. Not to keep me from saying something that I need to say but to watch the little things that seem harmless that will set her off and continue this spiral. She is angry and silent and will not work for M.
also, Do not give up the bed, I did and lost some progress for the fact I wanted back into it.
Ha ha dad. I answered your thread and came on down to mine and here you are. I have a suspicion that you and I are going to get to know each other pretty well in the next few ????'s. Sigh..I wish the question of time could be answered.
It sounds like you're lucky enough to have the resources to get a coach? I'll take every nugget that you can pass on and be eternally grateful I might add.
I'm so glad to see that several others have given you the advice I was going to give you! Not to beat a dead horse, but . . . STAY THERE!
I think it's wonderful that you are invested in working on your marriage. Use every possible resource available to you, but don't try too much at once. This is a looooooooooong process, and it takes a long time to get results. Start small, and monitor results (even tiny ones). Please also remember that your ACTIONS will speak much louder than your WORDS. It's best to avoid EXPLAINING to your W how you've changed. I learned very early in my separation from my H NOT to try to talk, explain, reason, or articulate how things could be different or what changes I'd already made. Trust me--it gets you nowhere!
Whatever she thinks about you now--PROVE HER WRONG. And don't forget to be consistent with your changes. She'll naturally question your ability to change long-term, so you'll have to be consistent to effectively prove your changes to her.
