The "I Still Want to be Friends" Issue

[AntoniaB]

SunnyD a few weeks ago I was trying to find that article too because I read it early on and noticed it ran contrary to the DBing advice in some ways, but I was feeling myself that "well, if I couldn't have my husband in every way, shape, and form, maybe at the least I could have him as a friend." So I tried to find that article but couldn't. Anyway given some time to think about it, I think that my wish to try to be friends with him through this comes from me again not letting go of him. I don't want to be friends with the guy he is NOW. No way. I was trying to be friends with who he was to be pre-affair. The problem is that his behavior now crossed a very big line, and it's wrong and continues to be, and I think his wish to try to remain friends with me comes from him trying to not feel guilty over his actions. Think of it this way, if he is able to keep me as a friend, then he can tell himself that what he did to me and the marriage "really couldn't have been that bad" because "she seems to be ok with it." Well I'm not. I understand my role in the foundation of the marriage cracking before the affair, but I did everything I could to try to get him and me into counseling LAST year before he started up this affair, and he wasn't up for the work. So this affair is NOT on me at all.

So I think that the friend thing as expressed in that one story might have worked for one sitch, but I think in most cases it just makes the LBS into the safety net and doormat. I mean if I say "ok I'll be your friend, I'm ok with the affair", even if he comes back he'll come back into the rel. with the idea in his head that I'd let that go again and there would be no real change on his end.