You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[awest1217]

Just a story about Xspouses not getting along. I have a coworker whose parents split many years ago, but she still has to do everything separate because they hate each other and if they are together it is constant battle. So last year her and her sibs wanted a whole family celebration at Christmas, and she said the whole time it was trying to keep both parents in separate rooms so they never fought. It worked, but very stressful and she said never again. She is in her upper thirties and is the youngest kid, and she thinks it is stupid. She said they have been D'd for a while and both have moved on so just get over and suck it up for one event, but they can't.

I would hate to have that happen to you. With her, they always pick which parent to invite to things...don't make that be you. Get whatever help you need to work things out so at least you can look at STBXW and not cringe or at least be in the same room without awkwardness. It won't come overnight, but you can get there just give it time and get whatever help you need for that to happen.

[ClingingToHope]

My counselor said when she sees her ex now it's like running into an old high school boyfriend and they were married 25 years.

Wow. I just don't know if I'll ever be like that.

Today I'm hating her. The day is off to a rough start. The girls are very tired. All the swimming and friends and stuff has worn them out. I'd love to just let them lay around but I only have two more days to my final vacation week with them and I don't want to feel I've wasted the day.

I hate feeling forced into decisions like these. D7 was throwing a little fit because I wouldn't let her stay at a friend's house today. It's their grandmother's birthday so I had a valid reason not to let her. But I would have been reluctant to let her anyway because I don't want to lose a day with her.

That's why I'm always willing to have their friends over rather than have them stay over. As they get older they are going to want to spend more time with friends and less with me -- so I guess I'm trying to get in as much as possible.

Part of D11's tizzy this morning was D related. She was whining that she'll never again be able to do all three youth theater shows each year because STBXW is too busy during parts of the year for D11 to always be in theater.

D11 got a little spoiled because when this youth theater group came to town four years ago she did the first one and then all three the next two school years.

It significantly added to the household stress because STBXW was spending us into oblivion on the costumes and both her and I were on committees and spending lots of time on the plays.

So last year D11 only did one play and is being told she can only do two this year.

I told her that the plays were expensive and my guess is that STBXW also can't afford her to do all three -- especially since D7 is old enough to be in them although it isn't clear whether she wants to.

I also told her I was kind of glad she wasn't doing all three because I lose time with her. When she's in the plays, she has rehearsal every Friday night and most Saturdays. Since STBXW is always on the costume committee, those are times she's supposed to be spending with me that she's now spending with STBXW.

In fact, I may even bring it up as part of the parenting plan. If I lose a significant number of nights to play activity I can get additional nights perhaps in the summer.

Anyway, that last part sent her into the tizzy about the D and how it isn't fair and ... you get the picture.

D11 has finished her shower. Now I have to put D7 in the bath and get her cleaned up for the cookout. We bought a bowl of fruit as our dish to pass. It's going to be hot and muggy because of all of the rain. I know I'd want to eat fruit.

Thanks Awest for the note. You are right. I have to find a way to be the bigger person and be able to be in the same room without hating STBXW. My parents never managed to do it so they never attended things together other than my high school graduation.

Dad came to all of my sporting events. My mom rarely came. My grandmother would though. She loved to watch me play. They wouldn't sit together though.

I can't remember if it hurt or not. It just ... was.

So that's my role model.

The trick is to be able to do things together without me getting my hopes up. That's the problem. When we did Christmas together it was like it always should have been ... light, fun, no anger or expectations. Then I found out at the end of the night that the only reason I was invited was so she wouldn't have to drive the girls to my apartment in the snow because she wanted to go partying with her small-town friend --- and whoever else might be there.

That was extremely painful because I had my hopes up.

Until I totally let go I can't do the family things very often. This year I'm even considering setting separate teacher visitation schedules so I don't have to see STBXW.

[whatisis]

"The girls are very tired. All the swimming and friends and stuff has worn them out. I'd love to just let them lay around but I only have two more days to my final vacation week with them and I don't want to feel I've wasted the day."

Um, it's not all about YOU! But, speaking of you, you need to do lay around too. The girls will not be enjoying themselves if they're tired and you're running their butts off! The day is not wasted if you're all doing what you need to do and rest is also part of vacation. Chill out CTH!

[Gardener]

CTH,
I'm with wii 100% on this one.
It's not all about doing things and cramming every minute with activity as if anything else is wasted time.
Much - most - of it is simply being.
Being with Daddy.

[awest1217]

The only other thing I would add is the girls are your children and as someone said it is like they are on loan. I understand hating when they are not with you and feeling you are losing time, but this is not about you, it is about them and what they want to do. If D11 has found a passion in doing plays, empathize with her about not being able to do all three, but (if you know which plays are possible) ask her which ones sound the most interesting to do. Maybe next year send her to a theater group. I know around here there is a nonprofit, so cheap, summer theater group for kids so things to look into. See if the church does any little dramas she could join.

D11 wants to do this. STBXW isn't making her so I wouldn't fight about the time. You need to show her support. Yes, you will lose very precious time with her, but allowing her to do something she loves and supporting her while she does it will be more important to her, and that is what is important. There are times you do get the girls extra because STBXW has to work so just enjoy the time you are with them and unless STBXW is forcing the girls to do something so she wins more time...let it go.

Sorry to be so harsh, but it really sounds like you are starting to hold on too tight. I understand hating to have them away from you and I understand that it isn't fair, but as the adult you need to help the girls adjust and allow them to be kids and do what they want to do, not what you want to do (as said above). Learn to listen to them. I hate when S is with H because I miss him, but he needs that time, and today all we did was play wii together. I want to something more fun, but it is what S wanted so that is what I did.

Think about the girls, and what they want and need, not what you or STBXW wants or needs.

[Gardener]

awest,

Sorry to be so harsh, but it really sounds like you are starting to hold on too tight. I understand hating to have them away from you and I understand that it isn't fair, but as the adult you need to help the girls adjust and allow them to be kids and do what they want to do, not what you want to do (as said above).

Exactly. Well put.

[ClingingToHope]

We made it over to a coworkers' cookout and unbelievably stayed seven hours. For the first couple there wasn't a girl D7's age so it was a bit of a struggle. We took a dog for a walk -- and she had to clean up after him when he went in a neighbor's yard.

She watched TV for a while. She ate. D11 found another 11-year-old there and became instant best friends.

Eventually, some other small kids showed up and D7 and there was a scavenger hunt and I was able to actually play volleyball for a while and visit.

Eventually, D11's new friend wanted to stay the night and since the storm blew over we did another round of night-time swimming.

Hey, one more day of vacation. Church in the morning and another cookout and there will be friends the girls already know their age there.

I hear the advice about letting them rest. Here's a counter thought. If I let them, they would sit around all day playing on the Wii or Facebook games. D11 doesn't need that. She sits around watching TV enough as it is. She needs to get up and get moving and I may have overdone it this week on the physical activity -- but she needed it.

D7 is highly active, but ADHD kids are better doing things than watching TV. Watching TV is like crack cocaine for ADHD kids.

I may be holding on too tight right now. I'll admit that. But time marches on. After tomorrow I go back to being the secondary parent. To me, it's about making memories and the most of moments. For BBJ and Mish, who are my FB friends, I've posted pictures of the week. It's been a good week.

Only STBXW moment was D11 called or STBXW called sometime during the cookout and I heard D11 kind of fill her in on the day. The weather was good enough that her biker bash probably took place.

You know what? I didn't care that much today. I'm trying to be "The Me I Want To Be" and today was a good day. I spent a very rewarding day with my girls and coworkers. She may have been stumbling around drunk in the muck with a bunch of ... whatever. I'll take my life any day of the week.

[ClingingToHope]

Wow. D7 was so tired last night she fell right asleep when we got home. Then she was up at 6 a.m. Amazing.

Hey, I didn't realize this until this morning. Seven hours at the cookout yesterday and no one, no one asked about the D and about half the crowd know about it.

I didn't have to explain or fill people in. I didn't talk about it once. I had a small pang at one point when this one guy -- a teacher who is probably 40 pounds overweight -- said something along the lines of "I don't have to impress anyone anymore, I'm married."

I decided to get up and go inside and grab something to drink rather than continue in that conversation. He'll learn on his own.

[Gardener]

CTH

...this one guy -- a teacher who is probably 40 pounds overweight -- said something along the lines of "I don't have to impress anyone anymore, I'm married."

I decided to get up and go inside and grab something to drink rather than continue in that conversation. He'll learn on his own.

Very funny. Sounds like he is well along on his goal: he impresses nobody.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH I know those ups and downs. I know the feeling of 'I didn't want to be a part time parent who's missing out on half the stuff the kids do in their lives'. When you really think about that "half" part it's hurtful but as others said it is what it is and we just have to make the best of it. The time you do have with them just make it special...I know you do and I know you try hard but just hanging out with them even cleaning up the house or doing grocery shopping with them is OK. They'll remember and cherish the simple moments in life- I need to remind this myself sometimes when I'm trying to plan out the weekends for her.