I'm going to jump in with info from a book I'm reading. It's called "The Courage to Trust: A guide to building deep and lasting relationships" by Cynthia L. Wall. I bought it because as a military/diplomatic brat, I never had a friendship longer than 3 years growing up (even through college), and it's very easy for me to put up walls.
Anyway....a section talks about 5 circles of belonging.
1) Aquaintances- these are people you've met a few times, have known for years, have decent converstations with, are nice to, but don't do things with...hairdresser, lawn guy, friends of friends you see at get togethers....you'd offer to help in tragic situations, but not share your deepest desire with or invite to your house.
2)Companions/coworkers-more than aquaintances, you've shared a few outside activites, but you don't go to their houses or even casually reveal details of your personal life- they're nice, and you'd go to a going away party, but wouldn't visit them when they moved.
3)Friends- this is someone who a shared activity is secondary to being together (I love that phrase and copied it from the book). you share details of your personal life, mutual sense of trust and connection. Even old time friends seldom seen are supported in troubled times.
4)Intimates- people with whom you have a shared sense of empathy. you can share your feelings without fear of shame or being pushed away. even in diagreements there is no rejection. You talk through issues to understanding.
5) Soul mates- you can call these people at 3am when you are upset and they'll come get you. possible romatic partners, but also could be business partners where everything is on the line. Takes years to build this type of relationship, reflective, nonjudgemental, honest...you can't imagine life without these people. self sacrifice at times, but it is equal. And it is hard to be this for more than a few people at a time.
NOW:
according to those definitions, a WAS should not be a friend. they're not a friend, they can't be a friend.
They should be put in the companion or aquaintance category.
I like these definitions, because it shows me why H and I seem to be stuck in the "friend" stage.....that whole "confident you can share your feelings without rejection" part in the intimates kinda puts a damper on things
When H and I split a few years back, I treated him as a companion. Family things with the kids? Yes. Saying please and thank you? Yes. Mentioning the weather? Yes. Commenting on liking a shirt? Yes. Just like I would tell a male coworker- Nice tie! or Good job on the project. Or Thanks for helping. Share emotions? nope. Mention issues with mom? Nope. Ask for help with mowing the lawn? Nope. Ask for a recommendation on a car mechanic- yes. That's how I treated H.
