How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

The abuse:


I had just turned 22 when I met my H; he was 26. He was so handsome, but quiet and shy- which made him even more appealing to me. At the time, I was a very out-going, confident woman. I managed a couple of movie theatres, was raising my three year-old son on my own, and going to college (Psychology major) full time. H had already been married once before and he talked very hateful about his ex-wife (the same way he talks about me now, I suppose).

Although I had initially tried to let our relationship move slowly, H convinced me we were "in love" after only a couple of months of dating. We moved in together after only three months. He was WONDERFUL, at first. (A lot of the things I see him saying to OW he said to me in the beginning.)

Soon after we moved in together, however, he began to pressure me into having children- NOW. (He had no children.) I would assure him I loved him and would probably want children with him in the future, but not right then. I had a three year-old that was all I could handle and I wanted to finish school and be secure in a job and MARRIED before becoming parents. This issue became a BIG deal for us and we argued a lot about it. He would push guilt trips on me and bully me (threatening that he'd sabotage birth control if I didn't just give in willingly), and...yes...there was sexual abuse even then. I became convinced that I was being selfish, so I agreed to allow a pregnancy.

I got pregnant after 5-6 months of dating/living together. I was so scared and did NOT really want this, but I felt that I was making the man I loved happy just as he was me. I had blinders on, I realize. I thought that the only reason he was doing the BAD things was because I was being difficult and now that I was pregnant all that would stop. ...And it did- for a while, though he was VERY possesive of me during this time- which I interpretted as loving.

The first time H hit me I was 7 months pregnant with our first son. We were arguing and he suddenly picked up the coffee table in front of me and threw it into the tv. I was so shocked. I immediately stood up and quickly walked into the bedroom and closed the door. I wanted to get away from him to let him calm down and I was worried the stress would hurt the baby. (My three year-old was not home.)
The bedroom was so dark you could barely see your hand in front of your face. H busted through the door yelling. I couldn't really see him, but I could hear him right in my face yelling and threatening me. I was so scared, I was holding my pregnant belly and pulling myself back further onto the bed I was sitting on. Then, out of nowhere, I felt him slap me so hard, my head went sideways and I saw a flash of light (like a lightening bolt). Immediate silence followed. He walked out. I sat there crying and realizing that our R was over; it HAD to be- he had hit me.

Unfortunately, he convinced me to let us stay together until our son was born, at least, so he could be there for me and there on the birth day. He promised to never touch me again, and I agreed to continue living together under the assumption we would part ways (amicably) after our son was born. When our son was born, H was SO happy and begged me to marry him and just work through what had happened in the past. I refused. Then the sexual abuse began again.

Within eight WEEKS of giving birth to our first son, I was pregnant again. I was devastated, and I think it was when I realized I now had THREE children to take care of and "NEEDED" him, I gave up trying to pull away from H. Right before our second son was born, my mom and H was pressuring me so much to marry him, I did. I loved my H, don't get me wrong, but I felt so controlled and trapped.

By the time our second son was born, H was emotionally and verbally abusive often. I had quit school, I had quit working, my friends were gone, and I was distant from my family. I was so lost and paralyzed by confusion and fear.

The physical abuse began again when our second son was just a week old. H and I were arguing loudly when he picked up a broom and hit me with the handle. When I reacted by hitting him back, he picked me up and THREW me off our back deck into the gravel. I had just given birth a week before! I remember being in so much pain, that when H's mother came to visit later that day, she offered to take our other baby home with her to take care of him so I could heal.

During the course of our M, H was not abusive all the time. He had long periods (months) where he was a great H and father who worked his butt off to make sure we had enough. He was loving and thoughtful. No one had any idea there was abuse, always complimenting me on my "beautiful" family. These GOOD times would help me to deny the horror of the BAD times. But then stress would begin to overcome him, and he would then become mean and abusive, followed by guilty and remorseful.

Injuries I have suffered at the hands of my H include: dislocated shoulder (from slamming me to the floor so hard), numerous black eyes, numerous busted lips, nerve damage in my left calf (from H stomping me with a steel-toed boot), scars from being burned and hit with a chain...
About three weeks before we separated, I had found that my H was talking to an ex-girlfriend. When I confronted him about it, he denied it. I yelled at him, demanding the TRUTH. He jerked me toward him as I tried to walk away so hard, he broke my right ring finger. I screamed in pain, infuriating him, and when I refused to be lead into the house H dragged me through the gravel.

The last incident of actual physical abuse came about a week after he wouldn't let me come back home. I showed up at our house and was begging him to PLEASE take me back:-( He was so angry and cussing me and began to beat me in the head. He ripped off his neclace and hit me with it several times.