Quote: Interesting Deb, as I used to think my H wanted me to react to his mood or maybe I did react to his mood, it became my mood. Now I'm noticing that when his mood is distant and I act detached and upbeat, he'll come closer.
This is an EXCELLENT place to start your detaching!
Stop the "mood-monitoring"!
Moods are just moods. They come and they go. We all have them, even me!
When I get in a "bad mood", I really don't need for my wife to "mirror" it. When she does, it will usually last longer, and tends to turn into a "bad attitude". That's when things start to turn bad for us.
When she "detaches" from my mood just a bit, gives me some space, stays more upbeat and empathetic, and not make ME responsible for HER bad mood, I tend to do like Cathy's H, and draw just a bit closer soon.
This also seems to work both ways for us!
JJ
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I had posted this on Hud's thread a while ago because I get confused about how the word "detaching" is used sometimes...
This is the way I think of it!
Quote: So...I guess sometimes I get confused about what MY idea of detaching is and what other people seem to think it is. I personally think that detaching has far less to do with YOUR overt (initial) behavior and everything to do with your RESPONSE to their behavior. And, for that reason, I think it is not in anyway in conflict with compassion and/or a loving attitude (although I can see how perhaps the word loving is confusing the issue). I think that detachment is about unhitching your car from their car on the rollercoaster.
Here's an example: Let's say you're out on the town and you're walking through a set of doors. You see someone behind you so you make sure to hold the door open for them. As they walk by, they can give you any number of reactions: they can smile, thank you, snarl at you, say "screw you buddy", any range of responses. Detachment, to me, is about NOT personalizing their response, good or bad, and not relating it to YOU, your WORTH, even your original action. You held open the door. What they do with it is up to them.
Sometimes I think that people think detachment is noticing someone is behind you and rushing through the door so that you don't hold it open for them. Maybe you even make it a little bit harder for them to open it themselves. IMHO, that's not detachment at all.
Now, if you cancelled all your plans so you could hold open the door, or you tripped all over yourself to get there so you could hold open the door or you weren't even going THRU the door but you will because you want to hold it open...that's NOT what I consider "loving and compassionate" behavior...I call that PURSUING.
Now..let me be clear...I'm NO expert on detaching. Heck, there are times when I even get irked if someone doesn't say thank you when I hold open the door (let alone reacting to my h!)
sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
My H wasn't interested in any of that stuff...but I never asked him to be either...H has little patience shopping for the small stuff.
Quote: Could be it's because your H is a man's man type; domineering type, bossy type.
HA!! That is the understatement of the year, girl.
Quote: My H likes to share tasks, like furniture shopping, grocery shopping, school supplies ect.
Wow...now I know why you miss him.
My H could go either way, but remember my H has a drinking problem and lots of other unresolved issues. So it all depended on his mood.
My H is a "gatherer" he wants to get what he needs and get out. I'm a "hunter" want the best deal and will look around and see what's there, maybe not buy anything. Go home think about things and then decide, go back and make my purchase. UNLESS, it's something I absolutely must have.
Excellent post sage! I love this!! Thanks for posting it!!
imalright -
Thanks for the kudos! It's much appreciated!
Quote: BTW I think we should have a thread with your name on it
If you insist, I'll let you start a Happy Birthday JJ thread! Yes, it's today!
Birthdays are something that I "detached" myself from in the past, however, my wife loves these occasions, and I'm beginning to "catch her good mood" on them!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
