I'll ask you a question Gucci if you don't mind. How do I get my W to get those feelings back for me? The only way that I can see it happening is to lead, be strong and confident, show consistency, not control her, continue to give her space, and have my actions be my word.
I know you want to believe that stuff, but you haven't done ANY of it since this started. You seem to think that not having contact with her for a month or two means that you are giving her space and showing her all those other traits that you mentioned.
Not in HER eyes. Let's see.. The flowers episode..... when she said it was a little too much (she was again being easy on you because your emotions are so fragile)(you are the feminine one in this relationship because of that. It is YOU always emotional, you always wanting to talk about the relationship etc. etc.)
With that being said...
Read again what just happened a day or two ago..
Just look at how emotional and begging and weak you again came across. I think you have destroyed it to a point that it may be past the point of no return of her. I believe your ONLY chance is to find another woman that your WS thinks you have the hots for. You just have NOT displayed the qualities that you mentioned for any (if at all) length of time. YOu always go back to getting emotional and begging and apologizing and weak. You get emotional. I don't think you realize it but she is still trying to let you down easy. You still fail to admit to yourself that "it really may be over)(which is an important step in letting go) You still are wanting to hope that "I still think she loves me deep inside and it is buried"... you have to STOP that kind of talk. You are in the "hope trap"...
Quote:
This is where things went downhill. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable signing this agreement. I asked her if she would ever be able to trust me again. I said this would be a good way to bring some trust back. Then the bottom fell out. She said that I have done nothing since the separation to give her any reason to trust me. She said by me not wanting to sign the separation agreement when she left, that this gave her no reason to trust me. She said that I was still controlling and wanting to still do things my way. I validated, told her I understand but just because I didn’t want to sign the separation agreement I didn’t think that was a reason not to trust me.
Then I don’t know what happened. We both went silent. We were silent on the phone for about 3 minutes. Very weird to be on the phone with no one talking for 3 minutes. It felt like an eternity. I then said that I wish she wasn’t so angry with me. Then more silence…probably 2 minutes. Then I told her that I know she has no trust in me. Again, another 2 minutes of silence. Then I told her that I was sorry that she was so frustrated with me. More silence. Very strange, she didn’t say a word.
I don’t know what came over me at this point but I just started pouring me heart out to her. I started off by apologizing to her for many specific things in the marriage. I had written her a letter of apology but never sent it. Well I don’t have to worry about the letter anymore because I told her just about everything in the letter. I apologized to her for not only putting us in a financial crisis but also for things like being controlling, smothering, not listening, etc. I got emotional and I know I shouldn’t have. It felt like 9 months of emotion just came out. Remember, W and I have never had a talk about why she left or any R talks.
I told W the things that I have learned about our M, the things that I regret and the things that I now know I should have changed. I told her that I put myself in her position and tried to understand how she must have felt. I told her that it would be disrespectful of me to say that I know exactly how she felt but I was trying to understand. I got emotional again when I told her that it tears me apart to think how she must have felt, the stress, the pressure, the financial mess. She said nothing, totally quiet on her end. She just listened.
I talked for about 30-45 minutes and she just listened, literally did not say a word. Finally at the end of the conversation she said that she appreciated and accepted my apologies. She said it meant something to her. She said something about forgiving yourself first before you can forgive others. She said it sounded like I have done a lot of thinking about the M and our problems over the past few years. She again said that she appreciated me telling her these things. She said she had to go and we could talk later. I got myself together and said that it would be nice to be able to talk. I said that we haven’t talked in 9 months and it would be nice to talk together in private or in counseling. She said how she offered to go to counseling before but I didn’t want to go. Well no wonder, she wanted to go for closure before. I asked her if she would go to counseling now and that I had an appointment coming up. She said she would go.
She then said that she doesn’t see us getting back together. She told me that too much has happened. I told her that I wish I would have gone to counseling a year ago when she wanted to. She argued that it was actually two years ago. Whatever, I didn’t argue as the time was not really the point. I said that I don’t know if this M can be saved or not but that I am willing to try. I said I know it will be hard work.
She said she doesn’t feel like trying anymore. I said that everyone in life, at least once, deserves a second chance. I told her that I do not understand why she wouldn’t be willing to try. She said that even if we went to counseling two years ago that who knows if we still wouldn’t be where we are today. It was like no matter what I said to her she was going to come up with an answer for everything as to why she didn’t want to try.
She then got upset with me because she said I was trying to keep her on the phone when she told me 20 minutes earlier that she had to go, she had to be somewhere. I said that I wasn’t trying to keep her on the phone. She talked a little more and I talked a little more. Then she got upset again, really upset, and said that this was the old mza8 trying to control the situation. She said that this whole conversation I had been telling her about things I have changed…a new mza8. She said that when push comes to shove that the old mza8 came out. I told her that I understood and was sorry she felt that way. I said that she was right but not to take my entire conversation and think that I hadn’t changed. I said that this was a difficult conversation for me and that I didn’t want to get into a R talk but it just happened.
She wouldn’t go into too many specific reasons why she didn’t want to work on the marriage. She mostly repeated her answer that she couldn’t try anymore, that she had been through too much. It seemed pretty clear though that talking about trust and anger stirred up some of her emotions. She even admitted that she still had anger and no trust for me. She would keep saying that this is where she is today as far as not wanting to work on the marriage. She said that I should respect this is how she feels now. Then she made a weird comment. She said that people can change their feelings the next day, the next week or the next month. Then she went back and said that this is how she feels today.
That interaction took you back to SQUARE ONE and maybe even back of square one.. You ruined anything you think you accomplised. That is why I tell others in these situations that you DO need to beat yourself up over these backslides. They are so important not to have, that if you do have a backslide it could be the one that destroys the last glimmer of hope...
