You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Finally got the girls up and moving and we picked up a couple of friends and went to the water park. It was on our list of things we wanted to get in this summer. That was a good time. Threatening weather ended it early and their friends wanted to stay the night.

The parents said OK and by the time we got home and situated the weather had cleared. So we headed to the uncle's house for swimming. Swimming at night is a tremendous amount of fun.

I did it all the time as a kid. This was deja vu. As I was swimming I looked at the girls and how much fun they were having and it seemed like a movie. You know the type, where the aging parent has a flash back to their kid's childhood. I just wanted to freeze the moment. Savor it.

I have no doubt that the D is doing permanent damage. No kid comes through these things unscathed. But I also believe there are going to be lots of great memories as well.

I think of my own childhood. One of the great things about having kids is you get to relive childhood a bit. I remember swimming at night. I remember water parks. I remember sleepovers.

I really had a great childhood -- and my parents got divorced.

My head was swimming a lot as well. I recognize the pattern now. Every time there is a new development in the D it sends me into a downward spiral for about a day. Then I wake up and face my reality -- and the ever growing certainty that my hope that the D won't happen is vanishing.

I was really sentimental tonight. You know what I really, really miss -- other than the sex -- is looking forward to seeing STBXW.

Do you know what I mean? Remember when you were first married and you couldn't wait to get off work to see her or him?

That feeling is still somewhat fresh for me. It was March 2009 that we had a great talk and a window opened and I thought we had things turned around. For two weeks, it felt like it did when we were first married. I couldn't wait to get home to see her. Then the window closed for a couple of weird reasons and the D train started to chug again.

Now? I dread seeing her. I dread hearing her voice. I wonder if I'll ever actually look forward to seeing her again. Another poster likened it to Alzheimers. The person you loved is inside that body, but the person you married doesn't exist anymore. He or she is lost to you forever, but they look the same ... and it hurts.