How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

RLay -

This is all so hard for me

Hard yes....

DOABLE....ABSOLUTELY!

One day at a time…RLay….one day at a time…you are not alone.

You don't understand that I am alone. My family and friends are distant and few because of what my situation was. H didn't make it easy for me to have friends and family around. I lost every friend I had, and the friends I have made recently are not at all understanding.

[cat04]

Eric,

Very nicely handled, smoothing things between Punkin and I.

Two grown women with very different views, neither one right or wrong.

Still have that mirror out my friend?

Punkin and Jack,

By no means was I saying stay and let it continue.

I am not also advocating throwing away an entire life based on even that particular action.

Only Rlay can decide if she wants to walk in that way and slam the door shut, or if she wants to do the work on herself, and when she is stronger, see if he has done the work on himself.

It does not sound to me like they live together, like the actual physical abuse is continuing at this point in time...

So what harm is there in continuing to detatch, heal, and then seeing what is down the road?

If she does this, I would bet everything I own that she would not be willing to go back to him if he was going to continue that sort of behavior anyway...

Is it possible for someone like that to change? It is. It really is. Never say never...

[RLay1100]

I want to let him go...to stop this unbelievable pain. The PTSD is powerful in my life right now. I barely sleep due to the nightmares, the smallest things trigger flashbacks, and I SO nervous when I know he is about to call or come by to get the boys.
I WANT to let him go, but I don't know why I don't just do it. I have moments where I am thinking logically and understand that his leaving me is a blessing (I survived), but usually I am just longing to be back in my M with my H because it was something I got used to and had already set up defense mechanisms to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with the aftermath. I feel so lonely and misunderstood, abandoned.

[RLay1100]

I KNOW I must seem like such a sad-sap- a whiner. Please forgive me. I am only trying to let out things here that I can't tell others IRL.

Has anyone dealt with PTSD as a result of domestic violence? How did you get through it? I am at such a loss.

[ericmsant2]

RLay

You are NOT alone! It may seem that way NOW…but NOW…is not the FUTURE.

My family and friends are distant and few because of what my situation was.

Well then those friends and family are the ones that YOU do not need right now. What you need is people in YOUR life that are positive. People that have compassion. That can and WILL say the things that you need to hear. You may not always want to hear them but YOU must listen YOU must be open.

If people are telling you to leave your H…telling you to stop the abuse, then I agree for the most part. Read Cat’s latest response. The first thing you need to do is gain your strength. Gain your sense of self and HEAL. How do you do this? You do this by taking the biggest STEP of your life, which is to STOP the CYCLE of abuse in your R. You do this by not putting yourself in a position to allow this abuse. You do this by totally DETACHING from your H.

Is it scary? Yep…Not as scary though of putting your story on these boards for everyone to see.

RLay – you may not know this right now…you may not see it right now….BUT once you realize what has been done to YOU – you are going to get very, very angry. LET this anger push you FORWARD. Let it out….. YOU have to experience the anger to Heal sweetie…ya do.

So how do you deal with the loneliness?
- Go on line and figure out what is wrong with your dryer.
- Go to a local church and help someone else
- Hit these boards EVERY F*in Day
- Go for a walk with the kids
- Find things to do that do not cost money with the kids
- Get a dog or a cat
- Write down the things that you are feeling
- Dance around the house with some tunes’ blasting

Now…here is what I want you to do first…

- Post all of your fears
- Post some of the things that your H did to you
- Post what you plan to do tomorrow

Introduce all of us to RLay….Your not alone sweetie…not alone…not for a sec….

God Bless,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

RLay

There is NO WAY to “stop” the pain…You must go through it. You must experience it. I am sorry. I could blow sunshine up your butt BUT well that’s not me.

The sleeping…try and see if you can pick up some Tylenol PM or something along those lines.

The nervousness you feel is FEAR. You need to find a way to deal with it. Maybe drop the kids off at a friends house and have him pick them up there. Have him pick the kids up at the local church or somewhere public. This will help but is not going to help YOU face the FEAR. So how do you face the FEAR…quite honestly..(and I am not a professional here) STAND UP for yourself. It really is that simple.

Have you ever seen a bully in school? If you read my story you would know that as a kid I was sent away to homes. While in these place, I initially had a hard time. I was kinda of small for my age. I was picked on when I first arrived (this happens to most kids in lock up) – One day two kids ganged up on me and beat the living sh*t out of me. I remember vivldy…I had two black eyes and a busted lip. I laid on the floor crying. I felt defeated. I felt abused. I felt alone. It was then that I cried out to God (and no I was not religious at all)…I cried out and said NO MORE. About a week later, one of the kids started with me again…he pushed me…damn I was so afraid…so afraid…BUT then something happened….then I remembered my cry…NO MORE…NO MORE….

The kid pushed me again…and I balled up my hand into a fist and swung with everything I had. I broke his nose. I stood up for myself. I had enough.. I was f’in angry. Know what? The kid never bothered me again. As a matter of fact a few other things happened to me. 1) No other kid messed with me and 2) I started to feel better about myself.

I am not promoting violence. No. I am simply telling you that YOU and ONLY YOU can stand up for yourself.

Need some support….know this Rlay…”I got your back” – do me a favor…do not let your H intimidate you. DO NOT. S*it I’m tempted to try and reach out to Braveheart since he lives in your neck of the woods and see if he would do me the favor and kick your H as* - but I’m not. LOL.

Seriously Rlay…you can do this honey..you can.

And NO you do not sound like a sad sap whiner…as a matter of fact you sound stronger than you think…Your just afraid – don’t be.

God Bless,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

RLay

Okay one more post and then I have to get some work done….

I WANT to let him go, but I don't know why I don't just do it.

You actually think you want to let him go but what you really want is the abuse to stop. What I think you really want is someone to tell you that it is okay to be angry. We’ll RLay it is okay to be angry.

I am just longing to be back in my M with my H because it was something I got used to

You got use to it because you were and are a VICTIM. You and your children deserve better.

I don't know how to deal with the aftermath

You deal with it one day at a time…make YOURSELF a promise that TODAY you are not going to quit on YOURSELF or your kids. That today you will not be afraid. That today, you will make it. You can quit tomorrow Rlay just not today.

I feel so lonely and misunderstood, abandoned.

Feelings change….for a while I “felt” like I hated my wife. For a while I “felt” so f’in angry about her, her actions, my life, pretty much everything…those feelings CHANGED. Want to know how to change them? Take the step of trying to HEAL. That is how they change. Take the step girl…you can do it. I believe in you!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

All things black and white? No...

but some things are more black and white than others.

A male (mot man) hitting a woman? And by that I mean...physically dominating a woman...
[censored] that piece of cowardly [censored].

How does that go: A man who hits once, will hit again?

Unrepentive?

See I see the grey...but only if the man is truely repentive. Totally changed man.

So...in that case wait and see, with an eye toward wary.

But a woman, who is so lacking in self respect to allow that male to do it, maybe even going so far as to say she deserved it?
Or that this is some sort of twisted love on his part?

Broken...broken all around.

And since children learn what they live...when does that cycle end?

[cat04]

But a woman, who is so lacking in self respect to allow that male to do it, maybe even going so far as to say she deserved it?
Or that this is some sort of twisted love on his part?

Broken...broken all around.

Jack, Sweetie, you know me and some of my story. You know the pieces can be put back together. It takes time. It takes a lot of time.

And since children learn what they live...when does that cycle end?

The cycle ends when that broken woman picks herself up, dusts herself off, and begins to put those pieces together again and teaches the kids a different way.

Rlay,

My H, too had a temper. Most of it was emotional and verbal rather than physical. It was bad enough, at times, that sometimes I actually prayed for the physical instead.

It wasn't all of the time. I am still not certain that I believe it was most of the time. Because there were good and happy times. Although the fear of it, was always with me. That was all of the time.

It is ok to want your M back. I believe what Eric said is correct. You want the abuse to end but you don't want to lose your M because of it.

You do have the right to be angry. You should be angry. If you can't get angry at him for what he did to you, then he wins.

Don't fear the anger. Let it come out. As it does, you will be amazed the transformation that can take place within you.

You aren't alone. It may feel like that right now, but you aren't...

[RLay1100]

The abuse:


I had just turned 22 when I met my H; he was 26. He was so handsome, but quiet and shy- which made him even more appealing to me. At the time, I was a very out-going, confident woman. I managed a couple of movie theatres, was raising my three year-old son on my own, and going to college (Psychology major) full time. H had already been married once before and he talked very hateful about his ex-wife (the same way he talks about me now, I suppose).

Although I had initially tried to let our relationship move slowly, H convinced me we were "in love" after only a couple of months of dating. We moved in together after only three months. He was WONDERFUL, at first. (A lot of the things I see him saying to OW he said to me in the beginning.)

Soon after we moved in together, however, he began to pressure me into having children- NOW. (He had no children.) I would assure him I loved him and would probably want children with him in the future, but not right then. I had a three year-old that was all I could handle and I wanted to finish school and be secure in a job and MARRIED before becoming parents. This issue became a BIG deal for us and we argued a lot about it. He would push guilt trips on me and bully me (threatening that he'd sabotage birth control if I didn't just give in willingly), and...yes...there was sexual abuse even then. I became convinced that I was being selfish, so I agreed to allow a pregnancy.

I got pregnant after 5-6 months of dating/living together. I was so scared and did NOT really want this, but I felt that I was making the man I loved happy just as he was me. I had blinders on, I realize. I thought that the only reason he was doing the BAD things was because I was being difficult and now that I was pregnant all that would stop. ...And it did- for a while, though he was VERY possesive of me during this time- which I interpretted as loving.

The first time H hit me I was 7 months pregnant with our first son. We were arguing and he suddenly picked up the coffee table in front of me and threw it into the tv. I was so shocked. I immediately stood up and quickly walked into the bedroom and closed the door. I wanted to get away from him to let him calm down and I was worried the stress would hurt the baby. (My three year-old was not home.)
The bedroom was so dark you could barely see your hand in front of your face. H busted through the door yelling. I couldn't really see him, but I could hear him right in my face yelling and threatening me. I was so scared, I was holding my pregnant belly and pulling myself back further onto the bed I was sitting on. Then, out of nowhere, I felt him slap me so hard, my head went sideways and I saw a flash of light (like a lightening bolt). Immediate silence followed. He walked out. I sat there crying and realizing that our R was over; it HAD to be- he had hit me.

Unfortunately, he convinced me to let us stay together until our son was born, at least, so he could be there for me and there on the birth day. He promised to never touch me again, and I agreed to continue living together under the assumption we would part ways (amicably) after our son was born. When our son was born, H was SO happy and begged me to marry him and just work through what had happened in the past. I refused. Then the sexual abuse began again.

Within eight WEEKS of giving birth to our first son, I was pregnant again. I was devastated, and I think it was when I realized I now had THREE children to take care of and "NEEDED" him, I gave up trying to pull away from H. Right before our second son was born, my mom and H was pressuring me so much to marry him, I did. I loved my H, don't get me wrong, but I felt so controlled and trapped.

By the time our second son was born, H was emotionally and verbally abusive often. I had quit school, I had quit working, my friends were gone, and I was distant from my family. I was so lost and paralyzed by confusion and fear.

The physical abuse began again when our second son was just a week old. H and I were arguing loudly when he picked up a broom and hit me with the handle. When I reacted by hitting him back, he picked me up and THREW me off our back deck into the gravel. I had just given birth a week before! I remember being in so much pain, that when H's mother came to visit later that day, she offered to take our other baby home with her to take care of him so I could heal.

During the course of our M, H was not abusive all the time. He had long periods (months) where he was a great H and father who worked his butt off to make sure we had enough. He was loving and thoughtful. No one had any idea there was abuse, always complimenting me on my "beautiful" family. These GOOD times would help me to deny the horror of the BAD times. But then stress would begin to overcome him, and he would then become mean and abusive, followed by guilty and remorseful.

Injuries I have suffered at the hands of my H include: dislocated shoulder (from slamming me to the floor so hard), numerous black eyes, numerous busted lips, nerve damage in my left calf (from H stomping me with a steel-toed boot), scars from being burned and hit with a chain...
About three weeks before we separated, I had found that my H was talking to an ex-girlfriend. When I confronted him about it, he denied it. I yelled at him, demanding the TRUTH. He jerked me toward him as I tried to walk away so hard, he broke my right ring finger. I screamed in pain, infuriating him, and when I refused to be lead into the house H dragged me through the gravel.

The last incident of actual physical abuse came about a week after he wouldn't let me come back home. I showed up at our house and was begging him to PLEASE take me back:-( He was so angry and cussing me and began to beat me in the head. He ripped off his neclace and hit me with it several times.